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Dear Maria,
I found out about 9 months ago my husband to whom I've been with for over 15 yrs, married to for 6 yrs and had a baby girl together last 4 yrs has been having a extremely emotional and sexual relationship with a co-worker. I found pictures (naked) plus him holding her two young daughters. Many love letters, e-mails and fathers day cards from her girls. From the moment I found out to this very day the pain I'm feeling is so deep. I continue to have a hard soulfelt cry everyday. I can't believe he could do something so sneaky. He has shown no compassion for the pain he's put me through, he just says I need to be more mature about it. I can barely be around him without crying from the pain of his betrayal. He's been moved out for over 7 mths. but comes over to the house to see our daughter or to pick her up. He can't even comprehend how watching him take my baby from her house to be with her father (for his time) breaks my heart further. She deserved a better family life not that of divorced parents dragging from one to the other. Neither of us have filed yet. I feel him and her have a plan. He says he don't know what he's going to do but he is not coming home to deal with my immaturity. I've wanted to pack his stuff and tell him to get the hell out of my life. But our daughter which he'll fight for equal time. That puts him in my face, where I seem to lose control every time I see him. He acts and wants me to be as if nothing is wrong. He calls and wants to talk about everyday things like nothing's happened. He's hid everything from me, stopped his mail at the house, said he's not seeing her but won't do anything to prove it. I need to find a way to go on with my life. I can't when I have to continue to see him. Just the thought of later him taking our daughter to her house where she'll bei with her daughters (same ages) happy family makes me sick. The thought of how for two years he came home every night and look me in the eyes. How he must have felt nothing for me. How he wrote and did the things he did for so long. Not caring how he's shattered his family. He hates when I say that, he thinks he's done nothing to his daughter. He never thinks what we might have gone through when the man we both trusted and loved suddenly left the house. We were alone. I hate him for putting us both through this. When I said I try to work on saving our marriage he says he's not sure. Why would he want to come back to what apparently was a very unhappy marriage. Of course he blames me. I know it's not my fault, he is a grown man who can make his own choices. I know there should be no reason to want to hang on to a man that can hurt you and continue to do so every time my pain rises. But I think about my daughter and I'm scared. How can anybody forgive when he truly hasn't asked to be forgiven. So much more. The counselor we went to for awhile before I found out nailed him as a narcissist. Said he came to marriage counseling while he was cheating. Now when I stop and look back, so much pain, why he treated me so bad. He had her to meet his needs so I was just there. I'm usually a much stronger person. I have a business, was smart with money, then that day came and I've fallen apart. It's effected me at work, I took week off, I can't hide my pain from my parents to whom it is killing them to see their daughter allow him to keep hurting her. I know I should march down to the court house and file. It just hurts so bad. Look at my life, I'm writing a letter to you of this magnitude. I look up coping, healing and affairs, trying to find a way to regain some strength for the coming events. Most things I read assume man being regretful and wanting to try. Mine left, and wants to go on like nothing happened while we're talking about who gets our daughter and when. Help me stop crying, I know he's not worth it but I just can't seem to not feel this pain of his betrayal everyday. __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for sending your story. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I know how badly you are hurting right now. You had built an image of the future with your husband and now that image got broken. That is why you are feeling such pain. It takes time for the brain and the mind to adjust to the new situation. None of us hopes to experience that kind of a tragedy in life, but unfortunately some of us have to face horrible things like that. There is no excuse for the cruel behavior of your husband. Yes, sometimes in life it can happen that one falls in love with someone else and feels one must leave the spouse for that person. But even in that situation one can choose to handle things in a right way and take the feelings of the former spouse into account. Your husband is not doing that. He is acting very cold and cruel toward you.  Everything you write about the behavior of your cheating husband implies strongly that he is seriously narcissistic. Your husband is saying you are not "mature enough" and that you are not handling the situation correctly. How can a person "handle" something like this in a mature way, without any emotion? I heard those exactly same words from my narcissistic spouse when I was not behaving in a way he expected me to (when I was demanding a bit of respect for me). That was his way to try to control me. Your narcissistic husband is doing the same thing.
Your husband is saying those things to you so that he can look into a mirror and say to himself he is a good person, he has done nothing wrong, it is YOU who is being immature (as if you should accept it without any complaints that your husband has fallen in love with someone else and has decided to leave his family). Your narcissistic husband seems to be totally incapable of putting himself into your position. He seems to lack all the empathy. That is very typical for a narcissist. I know you are going through a horrible time right now. I know the intensity of the pain you are feeling. If you wish to read about the ways I used to teach my mind to let go of my narcissistic spouse, visit page Learn to Control Your Emotions. You can teach your brain to let go of the pain you are now feeling. If it worked for me, it can work for you. You have taken a big step towards the recovery by sending your story. If you would get back together with your narcissistic husband, you could not forget the things he has done to you and you could never be completely happy with him. You would always remember your husband was capable of cheating on you for years, coming home every night, smile to you and make love to you, and all the time he was having an affair with another woman. You would always remember his cold and uncaring behavior towards you when you tried to make him see your pain, caused by his cold behavior towards you. When you think about these things carefully and when you realize that there is no way you can go back to past, it will be easier for you to file for the divorce. You will be sad for some time, that cannot be avoided (you would not be a human being if you would not feel sad in a situation like this!). But after some time has passed, you WILL feel happy again.  The most important thing for you to do right now is not to keep alive hopes of getting back together with your narcissistic husband. Even if you could get your husband back, you could never fully trust him. You would always be afraid he will cheat on you again.
It is true that sometimes people are able to survive infidelity and the relationship can become even stronger after cheating has occurred. But that is possible only if the spouse who cheated is truly sorry and is acting warmly and lovingly towards the cheated spouse. Your narcissistic husband does not seem to behave that way. Your husband does not seem to see anything wrong in his actions. That shows your husband is a cold, uncaring character, the kind of a person who you do not really want to be together with. Believe me, Dear Friend, you will be so much happier without him! You may not feel like that now, but I speak out of experience, wait for a while and you will see this is true. I know you are thinking about your daughter and you would wish her to have a home that is not broken. But in a long run it would be worse for your daughter to live with the parents who do not fully trust and love each other. If you have a feeling you wish to get back together with your husband, fight that feeling for the sake of your daughter. Children are extremely sensitive to matters such as these. Your daughter would not feel secure and happy living in a home where mother and father are not feeling good being together. Dear Friend, I know it is so very hard to let go of the past. But please try your best to do so, for the sake of your daughter. That man could never be a good father to her, if he lived with you. He would not be a trustworthy, loving member of your family. It is better to let him go, cut him loose, to float or sink on his own. He is no longer your responsibility. But your daughter is. I know you want her to have the best possible life. I know you can provide her with that! You are not alone. So many people around the world are going through what you are now going through. The most important thing for you to do right now is to get rid of the mental pain you are feeling due to the cruel behavior of your narcissistic husband. Your brain is creating the painful feelings you are now experiencing. You can learn to control your mind instead of letting your mind control you. You can read more about this topic from page Recovery after Cheating. You also said you must find a way to get on with your life. If you wish to find out how you can use your experiences to help people around the world, visit page Use Your Experiences to Help People. If you know you are able to relieve the pain of someone else out there, it will help you to heal. That is what happened to me after I created this website. Helping others has brought a whole new meaning to my life. I know my work (maintaining this website) is really making the difference and helping others. That knowledge is the best reward I can get. Dear Friend, my thoughts are with you. Please stay strong! Warm hug, - Maria
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I dated a man for 5 years and we got engaged. He was a good boyfriend (not a dream like some narcissists at first) but an overall good guy. So I thought. 5 Months into the engagement he comes to me and said he was developing feelings for his married boss who kissed him at a work affair. I was devastated. He said he wanted to work it out with me. So I delayed the wedding and went to counseling with him.Big Mistake! Four years later he was still dragging his feet regarding marriage so I broke it off. A year after our breakup, I found out he bought a house 15 minutes from me and was engaged to his former affair partner! She divorced her husband and they have sinced married. My sister ran into him and hs wife and he actually had the nerve to say hi and tell her how much my niece has grown. Can you imagine the misery this has caused me? Even after all these years, he is causing me pain. Somedays the thought of those two living happily just a few miles away is enough to make me want to crawl under the covers. How will I ever get over this? I'm mad at him but I'm also mad at myself for ever giving him (them) another chance at breaking my heart. He even told me that I shouldn't blame her at all. It's really not personal. They didn't mean to hurt me it just happened. How will I ever really heal from this? I'm 46 years old and I feel like I will be one of the walking wounded for the rest of my life? Any ideas?
