How to Get Over Mental Abuse and Cheating - Breaking Free from a Narcissistic Husband

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Latest - Jul, 2010

On meeting this man I saw a lot of red flags to begin with, but unfortunately I was at a very low-ebb in my life, having come out of a very long marriage. I resented my hubby for not helping me with the children etc. I ran his business and felt lonely and sad. I had an affair with the "N" nine years ago. I divorced and stayed with the N, just seeing him in the week, he had his house and I had mine. Right in the beginning he would make me cry and be horrible to me. I would ask why and he said "I'm testing you". On asking him what does that mean, he said "testing your love for me to see if you really love me". He swept me off my feet in the beginning. He would take me to his parents and say this is the girl I am going to marry etc etc. He was so caring and kind, but also had a Jekyll and Hyde to him.

On one particular row that we had I said "you are showing your true-colours now aren't you". He didn't like that and reminded me in later years of what I had said to him. He was right from the start very jealous of me, he wanted to know where I was, where I had been and who I was with. I'm a very outgoing type of lady and chat a lot, an "open book" he calls me, and he didn't like that. I said "but you didn't like your wife cause she was too quiet and now I'm an outgoing person and you don't like that either"...

First three years were really horrible, shouting, temper etc. I was needy towards him. I would cry and say don't leave me, although in later years I turned it around completely, when rowing I would say "there's the door". I turned completely around. His traits are extreme jealousy, very low self-esteem etc. He doesn't like himself, he's told me that. He is very arrogant, a perfectionist in everything he does, and very controlling. And he lies. I have caught him out in real bare-faced lies, lies to my face when I know he's lying. He hates criticism in any form, you couldn't say to him "shut the fridge door up please". He didn't like you correcting him in any way. Also the double standards were awful. When dropping my younger son to his dad's he didn't want me going near my ex's house, but HE actually went inside his ex's house and had cups of tea. Double standards.

In short Maria, I've had a hell of a time last nine years. He was always jealous of my two sons who lived with us. The elder one moved out (because of the N) and I had one left at home. My son could do nothing right in the N's eyes. It got very awkward. He had two children (then teenagers). His daughter stole and lied, and his son got into drugs for a while, so for him to sit in judgment of my two sons who were "good lads" made me feel awful.

It seemed to turn things around when my son moved out for a year. He went to live with a girlfriend. I thought now the N has me to himself which is just what he kept going on about. I thought he will be happy now. That year I put the N on a pedestal and thought now he will be happy when my son was gone. But no. He was not. The whole year he was going out with one of his mates who's marriage had just broken up and kept getting drunk and saying to me "I don't know what I want in life". This really upset me and I thought this man isn't normal. This man is never happy.

My son came back and since then the relationship has really gone down-hill for the past 4 years. Apart from all the verbal abuse, he kept downing me by saying I was over-weight (which I know I am but I have thyroid problems etc). It's been pretty horrible living with him. About just over a year ago, to throw another problem in the pot, I started to worry about him and other woman. He is a flirt by nature and loves the young girls. He kept looking in my mobile phone trying to find something on me and I was disgusted with that, so I looked in his mobile. He had sent a message to his ex--wife with lots of kisses on it. He had taken a woman's mobile number whilst out clubbing one night and she texted him. He paid to have a private lap dance and came home with his shirt covered in fake tan.

That was last september. The last year has been awful. He denied being on facebook but I found out that he's been chatting to young girls there. The latest I found out was that he was talking sexual innuendos with a young girl half my age. I had access to his emails, I knew once he moved out of my house that he would be face-booking and talking to all the ladies. That's what he is like. He's been sending flowers, texting me etc but I've just ignored him. Only last weekend he said we should get engaged, then within half an hour of leaving my house hes face-booking sexual talk to some girl.

I haven't obviously told you everything, but I'm sure he's an N and would like to know if you think so too. I think it stems right back to childhood and his father is to blame (from what I know about him). I did get the N to go to counseling once and he came back and said I'm not going again. I asked why and he said because they went back to my childhood and I am not doing that.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It is early day for me at the moment. I am coping. I have a very loving family around me and two beautiful sons who I adore. They are my life. I also have a wonderful mother. I know I am very lucky. I have a full time job, a little house and a car, I am keeping my head above the water. My motto in life is "there is always someone worse off than you".

I hope this gives you some insight as to my N. I have broke from him. He has tried to turn things, like I should take a look at myself etc. Everyone is telling me that there is nothing wrong with me, that it is him. My sons tolerated him for my sake. I have put up with his problems and his children's problems, I have bent over backwards and been there for him 24-7. I can't tell you how many times he has kicked off with his bad temper. Once I was only talking to one of his mates that he had known for 15 years when he walked into the pub and kicked off. His friends had to hold him back.

Thank you Maria. I would like to hear what you think about all this... I am ok at the moment, I have a full time job, do hairdressing when I can, 2 cats and a dog that I now have to walk morning and night... But hey it is good for my weight :) Sometimes I get very tired, but when I get my quiet moments, I feel sad....sad for what! What could have been... At my age (53) I want peace, I want contentment. He was never happy, he couldn't "settle" as he called it, but I have my own explanations....

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.

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Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry that you have been through this emotional turmoil. I do not know you or your partner, but based on the facts you are telling in your email, I will give you my feedback. It sounds like your partner definitely is a narcissist. You wrote in your email:

>>
Right in the beginning he would make me cry and be horrible to me and when I asked why he said "I'm testing you". On asking him what does that mean, he said "testing your love for me to see if you really love me".
>>

This is so typical behavior for a narcissist. I remember the same thing happened to me in the beginning of my relationship with "my" narcissist. He was acting horribly rude towards me. He never apologized, instead he blamed me by saying "I am behaving like this towards you because you are as you are, it is your personality that makes me behave like this, it is all your fault" etc. I was so much in love with him that I did not realize how sick and twisted comment that was from his part... In a same way it is horribly twisted and unhealthy to say "I am testing your love towards me", after being cruel to someone. It is clear to everyone that cruelty and nasty behavior are making the feeling of love to go down. His reasoning is completely incoherent. But, as I said, unfortunately it is typical for narcissists to twist things any way they like, so that they can look at themselves in the mirror and say to themselves "there is nothing wrong with me, I have done everything correctly". A narcissist cannot see anything wrong in himself, the fault is always in someone else.

I know the intensity of the pain you are feeling due to the behavior of your narcissistic spouse. If you wish to read about the ways I used to teach my mind to let go of my narcissistic partner, visit page Learn to Control Your Emotions.

You also wrote:

>>
I have caught him out in real bare-faced lies, lies to my face when I know he's lying. He hates criticism in any form, you couldn't say to him "shut the fridge door up please". He didn't like you correcting him in any way. Also the double standards were awful.
>>

Yes, this man is definitely a narcissist, there is no doubt about it. My spouse was exactly like that. He could accept zero criticism, and got upset about tiny, insignificant things. He also lied and saw nothing wrong with it. His excuse was "I lied because I though you would not like what I was doing, I thought you would get jealous"... He said this when he lied to me when he was meeting with other women secretly.

His comment was so ridiculous: Of course I would get jealous if he is getting romantic with other women, and I have every right to get jealous. If I am in a relationship with someone, I have the right to expect loyalty. I don't think he even realized how ridiculous his comment was: "I lied because I thought you would not like what I was doing...". There is nothing new there, that is always the reason for lying. It is almost impossible to understand how the mind of a narcissist works when he or she is making these ridiculous statements to justify their actions. Now when I am looking at things from the distance, I even find that to be in a way amusing :D

My narcissistic spouse claimed it was all about friendship with him and the girls he met behind my back, but if that was the case, there was no reason to hide things. He once went to a secret trip with his ex girlfriend without telling me. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. It really opened my eyes about him. Based on your email you are dealing with a similar person. I am so glad you have gotten out! I really feel for you, I know the pain you are now going through. Trust me, Dear Friend: The pain will pass and after that you are able to live a happy, balanced life! Let the time pass, and little by little you start to realize that there really is nothing there to miss in him. You are so much better off without him!

I have written a book about how to heal after cheating, narcissism and betrayal in a relationship. I wrote it when I was going through exactly what you are going though right now. I felt the same anger, pain and depression you are now feeling. I analyzed my feelings from many different aspects and I did lots of mental reprogramming. I believe this book would be very useful in your situation. It helps you to learn to control your negative emotions so that you would not feel such pain when you think about the unpleasant events related to your narcissistic spouse, or when he is trying to contact you and trying to get back together with you. The book is introducing the necessary steps one must take in order to recover after the betrayal. If you wish to read about the ways to teach your mind to let go of your narcissistic spouse, visit page Learn to Control Your Emotions.

The aim of the book is to open your eyes to the fact that YOU are in control of your life and of your emotions, you have the power to decide whether you let the actions of your partner to influence your life adversely. You can get rid of the emotional pain you are now experiencing. Once you have gotten rid of the pain, it is easier for you to enjoy the prospect of a happy future without the negative influence your narcissistic partner.

Stay strong, Dear Friend! Warm thoughts from Europe,

- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it