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Hi Maria,
It was a wonderful courtship. He obsessed over me. We were separated while I was finishing school and he wrote me a letter every day. I still have them, I read them recently and they were so sweet. He was a Christian, so I thought, and we prayed together. We waited until marriage to have sex. We were both monagomous.
Early on, he made my breakfast every morning and put nice notes in my lunch. But he did control things and I can remember begging him to let me buy a 3$ pizza combo special for lunch. We didn't have much money, but I had to ask permission for everything. I loved him fiercely. Then I remember a fight and I was afraid that I might try to kill myself, as he was threatening to leave, cutting me off. I didn't understand what was happening, but that our fights were very crazy and didn't make sense and no matter how hard I tried and apologized, it never seemed that he would reconcile. I felt suicidal for the first time in my life.
Then, the next thing is I remember that we would be in an argument and suddenly, I would be pinned to the wall or to the bed and he would squeeze my wrists so heard that I thought they might snap. He would be screaming obscenities, calling me F.. B... and his spit flying in my face. I would think, he's going to kill me. His rage was so high, I thought he might strangle me to death, but I actually sorta wanted it because I was so miserable that I really wanted to die. One day, we got in a fight and I removed my diaphragm, still with body fluids on it, he took it and smeared it all over my face.
Abuse like this was regular for 10 years. I supported us for the first 5 years and he was very secretive. I found out he changed his major for the 3rd time by overhearing him tell his sister on the phone. This upset me, but when I confronted him as to why he didn't tell me something that affects me, he would tell me how vindictive I was and go on and on about this so as to blame me. I found out his brother's girlfriend had an abortion by his dad mentioning it and I was embarrassed because I knew nothing about it, but he told me later it was kept from me because of how mean and vindictive I would be about it. He was always bringing up stuff from the past that was of a paranoid type mentality, things that hadn't even happened that he would mull over for months and years.
My parents are so nice and wanted to befriend him, but he was always suspicious of them for some reason.
He would get angry and throw and break objects that I had made. He never left a mark, but I once had some scratches on my arm that I lied about to a friend. I kept it a secret for 10 years. I never realized how that would scar me emotionally years later. We got counseling and he did quit the physical abuse, but the emotional abuse just got worse and worse. He ignores me, treats me like a child, and shows all this affection to our girls. He could go 2 weeks without touching me if I didn't initiate any touch. He told me he didn't love me 5 years ago and cut me off and wouldn't let me touch him for 6 months. He pushed me away one day when going on a trip and I was begging him for a hug before he left. He left me in the corner of the garage crying.
I had rotator cuff surgery and he didn't even tell me he loved me or kiss me before the surgery. My mom was afraid he wouldn't take care of me so she had to stay at the house. She would call and ask him if he had checked on me and he would occasionally poke his head in the door and ask me if I needed anything. He never comforted me, despite the severe pain I was in. I wanted to die for many years. I felt that I could not take the kids away from such a great dad. I also thought he could get full custody because of his ability to make me think that I'm mentally ill. I am ADD, but not mentally ill. I finally began to learn about Narcissism and it was exactly what he is.
I prayed for a long time and God gave me the strength to get a divorce. We have papers written up and I am waiting on my lawyer to review them then it will be over after 25 years. I have a huge bald spot on my head that is like 3 inches or more in diameter, probably from stress. One day, my body just said that if I didn't get out, it would die. I was tired anyway of wanting to die. In the midst of all this, I have had a great opportunity to be a musician, and do lots of great sutff with worship music and singing. He has always demeaned this and said that the time could be better spend serving the family. He made all these domestic demands that the house wasn't clean enough, dinner wasn't on the table at the right time, etc. I have worked many years as an occupational therapist and had many years of fulfilling work.
He was abusive several months ago and I just decided that was enough and I started sleeping in another bedroom and finally, after pretending like nothing was going on, after 2 weeks, he asked me what was up and I said I wanted a divorce. He was not happy about my decision, but never because he "loved" me, just talking about the kids and his retirement money.
So, I"m almost out, maybe 2 weeks and it will be over with and I hope that I will have a will to live after this is over with. __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for your email. I was touched to read it. You have been through so much in your life. I feel sorry for the pain this man has caused you. I am so glad to hear you are finally out! As I was reading your email and the big picture of your situation started to emerge, I was afraid that by the time I reach the end of your letter I find out you are still together with him. I was so happy to read that you had filed for the divorce and are finally on the road towards a happier life! Thank you for sending your story. Reading it will help others to see their situation more clearly and hopefully to break free before things become worse.  Many times people are hoping that the situation will improve, if they stay and somehow change their own behavior. But sadly that is not the case. A narcissist can rarely change and those who stay in a relationship with one often end up leaving sooner or later (unfortunately sometimes people cannot break free and end up spending their life in an unhappy relationship, becoming slowly more and more depressed). If one knows that sooner of later one has to leave anyhow in order to maintain the mental health, then why not to make that decision sooner when there is still lot's of life ahead.
Dear Reader, if You are in a relationship with a narcissistic person and are feeling sad and depressed, please do not wait too long. The aim of this website is to give you the strength to break free and to regain your happiness! Dear Friend, you wrote you have been feeling suicidal. That is no wonder considering what you have been going through. You described so beautifully how you fell in love with this man in the beginning of your relationship... We have all experienced that same "fairytale" period with our narcissistic partners. Every man and woman who is reading your story has been through the same. We all know how fantastic the beginning of the relationship feels like, how head over heels we are in love with our narcissistic partners.... And we all know how our love is making us vulnerable to all the blows the future has in store for us. If we love someone very strongly and that person then turns against us, that is one of the worst things that can happen in life. Think about a child who grows up in a home where he or she does not feel loved and cannot rely on the parents. When a child is born, parents are the center piece of the child's world. Child is relying on the parents and trusting them in everything. If parents withdraw their affection and reject the child, the damage to the integrity of the mind of a child cannot be avoided. There are countless of studies and rock-solid scientific evidence of what that does to the psyche of a child. A child grows up to be an adult who has a low self-esteem, who feels very insecure, has greater tendency to get depressed and who cannot easily trust people around him or her. These are the facts. Now think for a moment what happens to a grown-up person who has to experience the same tragedy (the neglect and betrayal performed by someone who one has loved and relied on). Unfortunately growing up and becoming an adult does not provide one with an armor against the mental blows in form of neglect, betrayal, cheating and abuse etc. Our mind is just as vulnerable as the mind of a child. If abuse and mental violence goes on for years, we will slowly become depressed, often without even noticing what is happening to us.  A person can be depressed without knowing it. This may sound strange at first. Dear Reader, you may now think "what, of course I would know if I am depressed". But people often have a wrong idea of what the manifestations of depression are. People tend to think a depressed person is somehow fundamentally different from someone who is not depressed. Many tend to think a depressed person cannot accomplish even the simplest every-day chores and is simply sitting home, incapacitated and passive. That is true in case of a severe clinical depression. That is the point when things have gotten really, really bad.
But before those people who are severely depressed have reached that point, they have gone through years of depression that does not show out so strongly. They have been feeling down, feeling there is no joy in their lives, no excitement, no thrill, no nothing. They have slowly started to lose the will to live. People who are living in a relationship with a narcissist are often depressed. The longer the relationship goes on, the more depressed the "victim" becomes, until one day the victim may reach the state of a severe clinical depression. The only way to reverse this negative cycle is to get away from the negative environment. Only then the mind can start to heal itself. The brain has an incredible ability to adjust, reshape the neuronal networks and to heal. To learn more about the way the brain is behaving in different circumstances, visit page Controlling Emotions. Dear Friend, I am so glad that you have now gotten away from your narcissistic husband. Now your brain and your mind will start to heal. In the beginning of the healing process you need to be patient. You need to trust that your brain is capable of healing itself. I am involved in brain research so I know what I am talking about. Dear Friend, I know you feel so empty and painful right now. But trust me: Your brain WILL heal itself. Just give it time. The most important thing for you to do to make sure the healing process is not interrupted is to stay away from your narcissistic husband. Please read this article of Controlling Emotions to understand what I mean when I say your brain is going to heal itself "automatically" if you only give it some time. In order to help yourself to recover, you can also visit page Recovery after Cheating. I am so glad you found my website and wrote to me. My thoughts are with you. I know the pain you have felt and are still feeling. But believe me, after some time has passed, you start to feel a bit better every day. The improvement can be slow at first, but it will accelerate as the time goes by. While you are waiting for the recovery process to pick speed, please feel free to write back to me anytime you want. I wish to help you to get through this difficult phase in your life. You are not alone. All the readers of my website know exactly how you are feeling. We are all here for you. Dear Reader, please leave your comment regarding this story to comment section at the end of this page. You do not need to log in to leave your comment, just write down your thoughts and type in the security catchpa. If you feel this story has touched you and you wish to say something regarding it, please do not hesitate to send a comment. Let's help and support each other. We are all in a similar situation. Warm hug, - Maria If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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Stories - Narcissism 
Hi, I want to write this to encourage women who have read the first letter and document my progress. My last post, I was saying how I had the struggle to NOT go back. Now I cringe at the thought of going back.
-Kim- (in Idaho)