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Hi and thank you for your articles.
I am writing this because I am having trouble leaving my narcissist. I have done a great deal of reading on the subject and I truly believe my boyfriend is NDP and like so many others, I have experienced the rages, the criticism, the yelling, swearing, and lambasting that comes from being with this kind of person. I have found myself being drained and having terrible doubts about myself. I've been told I'm a "lipstick lesbian" an alcoholic, a person without empathy, a bad mother, a commitment-phobe, etc. On the other hand I have been told I'm a great writer, a great mother, a beautiful woman, the woman of his dreams, etc. When he isn't in a rage or enumerating my faults he is praising me to the sky, and always telling me he is nuts about me, crazy about me, totally in love with me and fantasizing about a future with me. I have blocked him from my email and even changed my phone number to try to make a final break, but I find myself unblocking him and engaging in email exchanges in which I tell him he is a narcissist and that he has abused me. Of course this is a losing game but I find I'm addicted to him, to the drama and excitement and the romance, and I feel that when I try to star over without him I am so drained and empty that I want to plug into him again. So it's a vicious cycle. I feel better for having shared the dilemma I find myself in. I am not able to talk to my friends about this. I find people who haven't been through it just can't understand what I've been through or how I could keep going back to someone who is blatantly abusive. It's his sweet-talking, his mesmerizing charm, and his flattery that keeps me hooked. My thinking goes something like this: who else is going to be so crazy about me? maybe it really is love. The idealization phase was there in the beginning (he got my name tattooed on his arm before out second date) but it has also been there most of the time since and that could be because after living with him briefly I moved out so he doesn't really have control over me. I wonder if others have had a similar experience. __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear you have been dealing with a narcissistic person. I know how hard it is to try to break free from an abusive relationship. You are right, only those who have experienced an abusive relationship themselves can fully understand why it is so hard to let go. That is why it is very important to be able to share one's experiences with people who have been through the same. Your story will help others to see their situation more clearly. Thank you for sending your letter.  It sounds like you are already well on the way towards recovery, since you have realized this man is a narcissist and that the fault is not in you. Many people write to me asking if they are dealing with a narcissist. Only after understanding what one is dealing with one can start to come up with strategies to break free. Many people are staying in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, hoping they could somehow with their behavior change the other person. Only after one realizes this is not possible, one can start the process of detachment.
You say you have already blocked your narcissistic ex from your email and made it clear to him that you want nothing to do with him, however you find yourself contacting your ex time to time, trying to make him see what he has done to you. I understand why you do that. You are wishing to get some kind of a reaction from your narcissistic ex that would show you he is at list a little bit sorry for what he has done to you. We so-called "normal" people (those of us who are not narcissistic) feel the other person owes us a proper conclusion after the relationship has ended. However, with a narcissistic person, that conclusion will never come. That is one of the hardest things to deal with while separating from a narcissist. A narcissist simply does not understand he or she has done something wrong in a relationship and hence does not feel obliged to give any kind of explanations regarding his actions. A narcissist was not able to be empathetic and understanding when he or she was in a relationship, so it is not surprising that a narcissist cannot do it after the relationship has ended. Dear Friend, I know how you feel when you are writing emails to your narcissistic ex, telling him how he has abused you and how miserable he has made you. Deep in your heart you might still be hoping to get some kind of a positive reaction from your ex, in form of him admitting what he has done and perhaps saying he is sorry and would like to try again, promising that he has changed. I am glad you wrote in your email that you realize it is a losing battle, and that you realize you do this because you have in some ways become addicted to all the drama and the excitement your narcissistic ex was providing you with.  It is good that you are not having any delusions of your situation. You understand that you are addicted to this person and you want out. That is an excellent starting point. Now all you need to do is to find the strength in you to maintain your decision of not get back together. Please read this article regarding this topic, I believe you find it to be helpful for you: How to Leave a Narcissist.
If you are able to maintain No Contact, as time goes by your healing process will pick speed and eventually you will feel balanced and happy again. When that day comes, you will be so glad you did not stay with your narcissistic boyfriend any longer than this. Your situation would be much harder if you would be seriously considering getting back together with your narcissistic ex. The key thing is to realize that you are not actually addicted to this person, you are addicted to the thrill and excitement. If you could get those things into your life from somewhere else, it would be easier for you to let mentally go of your narcissistic ex. You said you feel your life is empty without your boyfriend in it and that is why you get pulled back to him. You are right, that is how this vicious cycle works. One way to break the cycle is to fill the space in your mind that is now occupied with your narcissistic boyfriend with something else. There are several ways to do this. One way is to use your experiences to help others who are dealing with narcissism or mental abuse in their relationship. I found that method to be very helpful for me during my recovery period and you are looking at the result of that strategy right now: If I did not choose to use that strategy, this website would not exist. Today I am so glad I created this site. So many people have given me positive feedback and told this site has helped them to deal with their situation. That is the best reward I can get, to be able to feel that something good has come out of all my suffering. If you feel you would like to use similar strategy, please visit page Use your experiences of cheating and narcissism to help others. There are also other ways to teach the brain to let go of the addiction to a narcissist. To read more about these methods, please visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism. Dear Reader, if you would like to comment on this story, please leave your message below to "comments" section. Warm thoughts, - Maria If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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. I can't do anything. BUT HE CAN. he can go to bars, etc and it's all validated because of the horrible person i have been to him... i don't even rele know why i am so horrible in the first place? but the worst part that hurts the most is ican't seem to let go. I can't seem to stay away when he tells me to. i beg him when he should be begging me. My friend's are tired of hearing the story. they don't understand. can someone please help me????