I must first say it is overwhelming reading the stories of women and men so much like me and most importantly, stumbling onto this website has HOPEFULLY changed the course of my life. I am almost ashamed to admit that I have been married to my Narc for 28 years. At one time or another, I have experienced MOST every form of mental abuse I've read about on here. (I really believe my narc would have slapped me around a bit if he could have gotten away with it. I work in the court system and my brother is in law enforcement and so was my father for all his working life. So my narc knew he would never get away with physical abuse). I am thoroughly convinced that it was a divine force that brought me to this site. You see, I truly believed I had come full circle in this relationship. For many years while my children were small I was convinced by my narc that I was fat and stupid and was so fortunate to have married so well because I would probably be homeless if I didn't have him. I tried so hard to be what I thought he wanted. And the thing is, I was very good at changing me. The problem was what he wanted changed on almost a daily basis. I was told I was fat and needed to exercise. I heard that, I internalized that, I owned that. I became Ms. Aerobics. I ate slept and breathed working out. I even opened my own studio (because my narc didn't want me to waste the gas driving to a gym because there are no gyms in our small town). I really thought he would be so proud of me, so pleased I had been successful at getting rid of all my flubber. (In reality, I was probably never as obese as he made me believe. I wore a size 12 and weighed 149). But I worked out so hard and was so dedicated that I got down to a size 5. I believed in my heart that if I could look like he wanted surely I would be deserving of kindness and love. Of course we all know that was not the case. Over the course of all these years I could literally write a book, but I will only hit the issues that have been the most damaging. He is in the medical field and makes a very good living, but he monitored every penny that I spent. Any spending that he didn't approve of would cause a rage and he would curse and shout and belittle me for hours on end. Even though he made a very good living, it was always a necessity for me and my children that I work. If I did not make my own money then "the one that makes the money gets to control exactly where it goes." So I worked throughout our entire marriage. I was always the one taking complete care of the children. "His job was most important because he controlled life and death." My job was just very menial in comparison to life and death. But because his job was so important and he was such a grandiose being just to be able to perform this job, I was required to have a hot meal on the table for him when he got home. Now in my job, I had no control over when I could leave. Sometimes juries would stay out until 10 or 11 at night and I have to stay until the judge says court is adjourned. But in those cases that I was not home in time to get him his dinner, I knew I would be in so much trouble. (And I always had either my mother or a babysitter to watch the children when I was working late because the job thing again, the need to relax from his stressful day and couldn't be bothered with squalling kids, etc). And it always came back to the same thing when he had to feed himself, why are you working? I put a roof over your head, food on the table, it's not unreasonable for you to ask if you want something. If I think it's a wise purchase, then you can have it. Problem was, he never ever thought spending money was necessary. The kids didn't need all that "stuff", he didn't have that growing up and look how good he turned out. "Your hair color is fine, why do you need to get it colored? And makeup, I don't like makeup, I've told you not to wear it. I'll never pay for such." So of course working was a necessity for me and my kids. He made lots of money and any time he'd be generous and buy me that used "new to me car" I would have to really show my gratitude. And my gratitude was always to perform in bed. He started bringing home pain pills because he noticed that if he gave me a pain pill, I would do more of the kinky things he wanted me to do. So that got to be our routine. I started to like those pain pills and I would really perform good to get them. I observed that not only did they numb physical pain, but they also would numb emotional pain. It got to where I existed on them. I believe he got scared that I had become addicted (duh) and he cut me off. Well these things had become way to important to my existence for me to stop. And I justified it in that I was really the perfect Stepford wife if I was using. I could take care of the kids, work, cook, perform in bed and do all that was required with no pain at all. So I bought them on the street. When he found out about what I was doing he was in a rage like none I'd ever seen. I became a prisoner and he the warden. I couldn't tell anyone what was going on because I was so ashamed of myself. I believed every hateful hurtful word he told me about me. I was worthless and useless and the only reason he didn't kick me out on my arse is out of respect for his kids. Because I was the mother of his children he would remain married to me but I had to really be a good girl and do everything he said do or he might just change his mind. It is for my children and my mother and father that I did not commit suicide. I was hopeless. I could not let my children be raised by him without me to buffer his ugliness. And I could not hurt my parents that way. So I continued to live this life.
There have been affairs and so much emotional abuse that I could literally write a book. But I think anybody who has wandered onto this website gets it.
My children are grown and I stayed married to my narc for what I thought was the sake of my children. But my grown children now tell me that they would have been so much better off had I made a clean break because as much as I tried to shield them from the narc, they still suffered greatly when they disappointed him (which was not hard to do).
I am still in this marriage for no rational reason I can put into words. The only way I can explain it is that I at one time loved this man with my heart and soul. Now I have mostly pity for him because he does not possess the ability for loving another human unconditionally or even accepting unconditional love from another, nor does he have the ability to be truly happy. And I have loved him unconditionally and been good to him, so much better than he deserved. I said earlier I had come full circle, so I thought. Years ago I thankfully learned that I am okay. I've always been okay. I'm a darn good person in fact. I stopped the self-loathing and believing all the bad things he had told me about myself. But this website made me realize that I am far from coming full circle and far from being free of my narc. I have adapted so well to his control and abuse that it is normal for me now. What most people in normal relationships would perceive as abuse is just my day to day life. And I read here that just because he is incapable of being a good husband and happiness should not mean I should continue to live my life of unhappiness. I am 48 years old and I think it's high time I actually started loving life again. Today, truthfully, I only exist. I am pretty indifferent to living or dying. And this my friends is hard for me to admit. So by divine intervention I found your words and your stories and I realize that I have got to muster the courage to walk out the door and away from my narc and find that person that was silenced so long ago, that young girl who loved every second of life and loved to sing and dance and be joyous. She is still in there. In fact in the dark of the night I sometimes hear her whisper to me.

So much of your message rings true to me. Your message is so recent. I feel you out there, dear sister. I feel your pain. I am married to the narcissist. Spending money on things he doesn't approve of is "not necessary." Losing weight made no difference at all, so I gained it back again.Dear sister, your children are grown, so maybe now you can leave him. I can't leave for a few years more now. Anyway, I send to you love and hope for healing in your broken heart.

I dont even know where to begin with my story. my ex the father of my son, pushed me out of his car causing me to go to the hospital with a cuncussion. I went 8 months strong with no contact and was okay but sometime in july he calls saying how he wanted to try again and said this time it would b different. so me being soooo stupid i went back I was living with him for about 2 months. this whole while I was the one doing all the changes and he never said sorry for any of the things he caused but i figured mayb he was sorry and i really didnt have to hear it. everytime i had a complaint he'd say "let me take out the violin" basically he didnt want to hear me out so on one of the days he went to work. the doorbell rang and it was a girl looking for him. my anger got the best of me and i left with all my stuff. I did tell him I may have over reaacted and that we needed to talk. well he just said it was over. the whole while when i was there he kept saying how much he wanted to have another baby with me. and well i tried avoiding any sexual advances but he always gave me the guilt trip. so i felt forced or bad and well now im pregnant. I have been trying to email and text him about it to see what he wants to do about it but i can't get him to respond. I dont know what to do. Im so depressed. i gave up alot for this guy and now i dont know what i shud do...i even sent his mom a text letting her know but still nothing. when i had my son he was never apart of that process and i swore i wudnt want to go through a pregnancy alone but he doesnt seem to care and i dont know what i shud do...I have no idea what to do I have tried contacting his mother but he has turned her against me and she has such a dislike for me. I need help i fear my depression is getting worse as now i wish i could die. He has after a week gotten in touch with me but is angry with me because i have nvr done anything for him, he is also upse because he came upon a picture i took years ago in college with a guy friend, and because i have a facebook. He now gives me the guilt trip as if i am the one to blame for everything??? I'm so confused and feel so alone

Candy,
I believe 1st you have the issue of being pregnant and said he is your ex, ex husband BF? I believe you will be going full term since you did not mention any other alternative. I'm sorry these questions are so blunt and I understand how you are hurting right now. The question of support needs to be answered. Get a lawyer, do not accept anything less, no verbal agreements, no promises from him. Seek legal protection for your children and yourself. Get to a safe place if you feel you are in danger. When that is done you can begin on the other issue. His control mechanism
is to keep you in a position you must rely on him. Your pregnant he got two things. I don't think I need to write those out. OK, that's said and done. Please understand these people will say and do anything to protect their narcissistic world. It hard to say what stories he has told your mother-in-law but I'm sure its not good if she has "turned" on you. If she is not the type that can see through him you may as well write her off for any future support. As a part of controlling you they project all of their shortcomings onto you. You may have already thought "maybe I am the one who is crazy". Not so, that his way of breaking you down, its almost like a form of brainwashing. He has you believing its true. The other reason you are feeling this way is most likely because you have a picture in you mind of this person you were married to that is very different than who he really is. The picture and reality don't match. They never will by the way. No one wants to think the person who you thought loved you could be like they really are hateful and mean,controlling liars. They are and some can be more than just emotionally abusive they can become physically abusive. You never what to back them in a corner with no way out unless you have support with you, some will become physical. To him your nothing but an item to control,put down,walk over and treat like trash. He gets to show the rest of the world how wonderful he is by trying to be a good husband and father and then tell them all the lies about how he tried and look what you did to him. He is at the center of attention,the center of the universe. NO CONTACT, its key. You have to replace all of the hurtful memories with new happy memories. You need to heal and you have little people who need you. Limit any conversation with him. Dont let him draw you into a arguement or discussion, you cant win and even if you do he will turn it around and twist it in his favor, just dont do it. You win the war by getting away from him for good! You deserve to be happy in life and to have someone who cares for you deeply, not abuse by this monster. I wish you the best, I feel the pain, your not alone.

My Narcissist's mother is a Hypochondriac/malingerer. She whines constantly about being sick when there is nothing wrong with her and cannot contain her desire to paint herself as being on death's door to anyone who will listen. His father was a compulsive gambler. Do these things cause narcissism? I'm starting to think his whole family is narcissistic as they have very much the same scapegoating/lack of responsibility behaviors that he does. How did I fall into this nightmare? Why did it take me so long to figure it out? I feel so stupid for not having seen this sooner. The worst thing is that no one will ever know what I have been through. People who haven't been through this will never have any idea what's it's like.

What are your narcissist's family members like? Do they support him or do they hear you? I'm curious how it is for the rest of you.

The man I lived with for 24 years is a master manipulator and I am a stupid, uneducated, naive twit with problems. He used that to his advantage to keep me in a constant state of confusion. Any time I found evidence of his screwing around he always had some canned answer to explain it away and I was left feeling helpless because I couldn't prove he was lying. He would convince me that I was "crazy" and that I was "driving him away" by questioning his long absences, my inability to reach him on his cell phone, his emotional and physical neglect. I ended up having a nervous breakdown. He then used that to blame me for everything under the sun. Unbeknownst to me he had an addiction to daytrading and ran up huge debts that I didn't know about. When I found out he blamed me and insisted it was my fault because I was a basket case who couldn't hold a job. Eventually I found actual proof of his cheating and he still denied it insisting that all he did was "talk" to other women on his phone. There were hundreds of calls to prostitutes, many of them shemale prostitutes. I can't imagine what anyone would talk to people like that about. He told me he quit all that and acted ok for a while but I never trusted him again. One day I picked up his phone and saw he was visiting sex sites, asked him why he was back to that and he went bezerk and physically attacked me leaving bruises on me. His whole family enables his sh*t and blames me for everything. He has the whole world fooled. He tells people he's broke because I have mental problems and cannot work, like it matters because he doesn't pay for ANYTHING. He forces me to hand over hundreds of dollars a month out of my disability check while he lies to everyone and makes it like he's supporting me. If I had the money to leave I would be out the door. The thing that bothers me most though is that no one on planet earth sees my point of view. He is good looking and charming and acts nice to everyone but me so I come off as some nutcase when I tell of what I have been through. Even shrinks don't take my side. I am so destroyed as a person I honestly don't know how much longer I can hang on.

Im sorry you are going through this....being in a relationship with a NPD is very difficult and even more difficult to get out of it. My ex was into shemales and shemale porn......and he would cheat on me constantly. Have you thought about contacting your local womens shelter to get advice on getting out of an abusive relationship? They can offer help.

Go to an electronics store that's deals with tracking devices and get a magnetic tracking device that car be attached to his car. These come the software to load on a computer. Attached to his car where it cant be seen and wont get knocked off. Then watch and see. Call him when he is gone and see where he is really at. You will have the proof you need. Do this for about a month and record findings. You should see a pattern and who he is seeing, good luck.

PS I would not confront him with the information until you are sure of your safety. You could get a violent reaction.

Thank you, Maria. You are right on target with my narcissistic spouse. Although my spouse has never cheated on me, but it's funny about the illness thing. I didn't realize that was part of this mental sickness. He is constantly asking me, or anyone else that will participate, to feel his pulse or feel his forehead as he is ALWAYS sick. And, after 32 years, I see right through him and his lying and boasting. It makes me physically sick. I've tried to leave several times, but haven't been able to due to his stalking, calling my employer, threatening to take the kids, threatening to sue for spousal support, etc. BUT, once my 16 year old daughter is moved out, I'm gone - to another state far, far away.

2 years down and I have just realised that the man I thought was wonderful, albeit not very emotionally supportive is really a monster. After finally demaning to know why he was always so 'unavailable' and 'busy' I told him it is over... Our relationship was casual and he had told me many things about himself all of which I now know to be lies. My Gut Instinct was always a little off with him, I knew but didnt listen to it..thats my lesson listen to your gut instinct...but he was charming and attentive..In the last few months I had an insight into a scary revengeful controlling person who was selfish beyond my belief. I really am reeling I am an honest single Mum who just see's life as a glass half full, I dont look for anything more in a friend or lover than an honest kind person and I really cant believe how sucked in I was...I think he picked me as an easy target just coming out of a marriage..it makes me feel sick knowing what he is really like, Secretive, dismissive, manipulative and cruel...you name it..I thank you for this page and the information on it I am not going down the revenge road it isnt my style but I will be quite cool and without malice in dealing with the ending of all of this as I dont want to enrage the beast and feel that the advice on this page is very very useful...Personally I feel I have doged a bullett. God speed to you all.

RUN..DIVORCE...HE CAN'T LOVE YOU OR ANYONE ELSE BUT HIMSELF..SERIOUSLY Harsh but true!

My husband's silent treatments and mental barbs have been getting worse as the years go by. He insists of seperate vacations, tells me that I am too dependent while becoming enraged when I do not answer his calls immediately, and the silent treatments go on for days or until I break down and apologize without knowing what I could have done to upset him. His former girlfriend is now employed with him and he refuses to acknowledge why I am upset about it. I have tried to talk with him about it, but he considers it my problem and will not discuss it.I feel like I live in a take or leave it relationship. He tells me he loves me and can be very caring, providing I don't disrupt his life. I can't imagine life without him and am having trouble accepting the fact that he may not love me unconditionally. Is it possible for him to have narcissitic tendancies, but still love me?

I relate to this Abigal. There is a woman at his job he calls and texts constantly even after work hours and they exchange gifts and such and act like some kind of couple. When I question this he calls me horrible names and makes me feel ridiculous but if i Say nothing he acts like everything is aok. These men feel they are entitled to do whatever they want and you have no right to question their behavior. As long as you are a doormat then things are fine, if you stand up for yourself rage ensues. I hope you don't think I am being mean, but he doesn't love you, he doesn't love anyone. This is what I learned. I don't know what your economic situation is but if you can work or have money start planning your own life without him. I am trying to figure out some way out of this which isn't easy because I am struggling with lack of education and disability. Good luck to you.

The man I married had an alcoholic father. Did not know all the ramifications of this until I started reading articles regarding "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents" years after we were married. I did not put the narc together with ACAP until several years ago. He too, was the life of the party, always funny, kept me in stitches, outgoing, where I was a shy, quiet person. Dated about a year and married. He moved us about 100 miles from my family and closer to his hometown. I was very lonely and after a few months he found me crying in our closet. He did not know how to comfort me, so he called my parents and had them come to help me. How crazy is that? But, now makes all the sense in the world. He also would humiliate me in front of our friends and when I would let him know that it hurt, he would tell me I was being to sensitive. My parents have never seen the other side of his two faces, so it appears I am the problem and therefore when I have tried to go home to get away, I get questionable support. Once while vacationing with our children and our daughter's future husband, I was upset because he had ruined my b'day plan and I was in bed upset and he came in and told me that we were going home(still had 2 days left in our vacation). I told him there was no way I could even think of getting in the car to go home. So he packed up the children and left me there for 2 days. When he returned to pick me up, he said nothing. After sitting in the car silent for an hour, I decided to ask him how he could do this and not even appear to be sorry. He eventually apologized, I am sure he did so just so I would stop with the questions. Not long ago I had related this story to my parents so they might understand some of what I had been through. When my father confronted him about this, even then he asked my Dad what else should he had done? and my father say "well, certainly not that". My father would have never left my mother upset, 6hrs away from home. Counseling was required or he would not return home. As he was our school basketball coach, on one occasion the sports coordinator made a comment in front of me and to my husband, "does it always have to be about you?". I asked him later what he thought about what she had said and he remarked "it was just a joke. I knew what she said was no joke. He tells me what I think, what I have said, what I mean in conversation; denies statements he has said(like I am the confused one). Another occasion I was walking outside to say something to him because he had upset me, so as to get out of earshot of our son, and he told me I'd better be quiet because the neighbors were in the backyard. Was so concerned that they may have heard what was being said, not that is was anything bad. The following day questioned him about why he waited to let me know the neighbors were in the yard and he admitted he lied. No one was there. Inquired why he would lie then let me go to bed upset thinking I may have humiliated my family. He said he was just trying to get me to be quiet encase someone had been walking down the sidewalk. Not a problem. Then say "lets go to the garage." Don't lie. We all know what it was really about. Don't we? He also leaves when there is any discussion of pain he has caused. He never tries to see my point, cannot empathize with the pain he has caused. Can be so nice one minute but turn on a dime if it is an issue involving feelings, upset, or "you have hurt me". He has no idea how to deal with his own feelings and certainly can not deal with mine. What enormous pain must a person experience to cause such disconnect. I know he was not abused physically, but a mental pain or abuse so great, due to his dad being an alcoholic and his mother having to separate from his father for long periods, but never divorced. Knowing his father had chosen alcohol over being a consistent, stable father. All the humiliation. All holidays a disaster. Because this was what holidays were like for my husband, he tried to do the same to our holidays. He would do something that would set me off. Finally got him to realize what he was doing. Holidays = conflict. He knew holidays no other way. He told me he had a shell around his heart and I know he is not happy. He only talks about surface issues, nothing deep. Can't image knowing I had done this to my child, (i.e. his father). His dad could have gone for help instead and turned his alcoholic life around. I know there are those who are Adult Children of an Alcoholic Parent that received help and moved on to a healthy family life. For all I have been witness to: there are those who need to face what they are, get help OR stay single. If you are living with someone in this state, remove yourself from them if they are unwilling to get extensive help and even then, you need full understanding of what you are dealing with and have a great support system that starts with God. If not for Him being by my side during all this, I know I would be nothing but a shell. Because of God, a good counselor, a sister whom I love dearly, and forums such as this, I will prevail and so can you. Also, it is your choice to allow someone to control your life. They control you as much as you allow them control. Draw the line and allow no one to pull you over that line. You desire love, kindness, understanding. No one has the right to make you feel devalued. Know who you are in Christ. If you know him, then you know who you are. In him there is strength to stand and heal.

thanks for sharing with us...you've learned a lot and are very wise

So true all that you wrote. I know the Lord is t he answer and I think I just didn't understand that what was going on was not "in God's plans" and have forgotten to mention that my Narc had a Mother as an Alcoholic as well as a very well respected father and physician(parents separated when he was very young in the 50's) that was a drug addict as well as other pain meds....SO it has been a struggle. Am glad that I can remember that part of the equation and NO this is not what I would choose but need to forgive/forget and go on..This is the part that I can and have been stuck with. I mean he has always said...You are never gijng to forgive me..BUT...He keeps doing the same things over and over and the same hurt and when I am like....Wow he is nice and kind...It is not long maybe by the end of the day..could be another 10 minutes or soon that BAAAAAM he is "emotionally knocks me out again...Thanks for this forum..Is very therapeutic...

HI everybody,
I stumbled upon this information while researching Ns, as I have just figured out that my ex has NPD - what a mind blowing experience this has been!
Anyways, though I know that I must completely detach myself from this person and cut all ties, it is extremely difficult. I can't understand why I feel connected after all this time and distance, and especially after knowing what exactly what the problem is, but I found this woman's advice to be extremely helpful. I appreciate that she acknowledges spirituality's role in dealing with emotional vampires, and how to recover your old self after having been abused and reduced to nothing.
This information is about breaking ties with N's and empowering yourself!
It's definitely worth taking the time to listen to this:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2010/09/07/narcissistic-central-how-to-disconnect-your-energy-from-the-narcisist-practically-and-energetically