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Hi Maria, It has been a year since my narcissistic partner walked out on me. We were in a relationship for three years and he treated me very well, until the end. We had a disagreement on the phone and I called him out on some of his behaviors. He never called me again. After a three year relationship, nothing. I was able to get a hold of him after two months and he was annoyed with me and said he couldn't talk with me, out of respect for his new girlfriend. I was financially dependent on him, after his urging that I stay in my home that I had wanted to sell and he convinced me to stay; saying he would help out. We had also made a decision for me to quit my job and go get some additional training to help me find employment in a better field. This is when he left. So, needless to say, I have lost my home, my credit, my job and a lot of my self-esteem. I always considered myself intelligent, but I question that now. I was so naive and trusting. My children have lost their home and I feel responsible. My daughter cries about it all the time. I am still living in the aftermath of this relationship. The economy here is horrible and I haven't been able to find employment and am still looking for a place to live that I can afford. We have 1 month left to stay in our home, before we have to leave. I have a college degree and can't seem to help myself; it's incredibly disheartening. The irony of all of this, is that my ex is a multi-millionaire and could have helped the kids and I in a heartbeat; he just doesn't care about us. I thought I'd be feeling better by now, after all it's been a year, but my heart is in so much pain that some days it's almost unbearable. I think the hardest thing for me to overcome, is that he was good to me during our relationship. He didn't rage or criticize at all during our time together, so I don't have negative memories to draw upon for relief. He did attempt to control, but I blew him off and did what I wanted. I know it frustrated him, but I knew what he was up to and wouldn't allow it. I think in the end, that's why he left; he couldn't control me. Of course, enough damage had been done by the situation he left the kids and I in, which had been a joint decision, or so I thought at the time. Can you please teach me how to control my mind, so I can move on with my life and stop hurting all of the time? I need to get myself back, so I can take care of my kids and myself. Please help me. __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear you are still suffering after one year since the break up. On average it takes 1-2 years to get over the break up, so you are still within perfectly normal range. The fact that the man you were involved with was a very wealthy person makes the break up harder to handle. This does not mean you would be materialistic person, this is just the way we humans are built. From your letter I get the impression that you have an average income. You fell in love with a man who had more money than you and if you would have been able to stay together with him, you would have been financially secured for the rest of your life. So you have not only lost your relationship, you have also lost financial security.  Dear Friend, please be sure to understand that I am not saying this to accuse you of being somehow "opportunistic". Most people would not mind having a millionaire as a boyfriend. You made the decision to stay in your home trusting that he would help you financially as he promised. When the relationship ended, your life was influenced in many levels. It is bad enough to give up on the person you love. On top of that, you must give up on your home. That is a lot for a person to handle. It would be very surprising if you were totally over this break up and everything that has happened after only one year.
You say you feel bad because your children must leave their home and that your daughter is crying about it all the time. I do not know how old your children are, but I assume they are not yet close to being adults. If this is true, it is difficult for them to put themselves into your position and be sensitive regarding everything you are going through, instead they need mental support from you, increasing your burden (which is of course not their fault, they are simply too young to understand what you are going through). If your situation would be financially stable, it would be easier for you to get over the break up. But since those things are so closely connected and the financial problems are present in your everyday life, they keep reminding you of the relationship, as you are saying to yourself "I would not have to go through any of this if we were still together". So, you do not only feel drawn back to the man, you associate with him the financial independence (the solution to your difficult situation) and it makes it harder for you to let go. If you understand this connection, you can start to "reprogram" your thinking and eventually get over the break up. Learn to see that one reason you feel the pain is because this man represents an escape route from your current financial plight (Obs! I am not saying this is the only reason you miss him and the relationship with him, all I am saying is that it is one of the reasons. Also let me repeat what I said earlier: There is nothing wrong in feeling this way, that does not make you any more materialistic person than the "guy next door". Your feelings are very natural, everyone would feel the same way in your situation). Teach yourself to think of these two things (your former relationship with him and your current financial situation) as two completely separate things. After you have done this, you can start to process your relationship with your ex boyfriend as a separate matter. You wrote that he was always good to you, until the end. But the fact is that he disappeared completely for couple months after you had an argument on the phone. That is not the way to end 3 year relationship. Ask yourself could you end a relationship with someone like that. His behavior shows he does not respect you. Would you want to be with a person who would not respect you? Another thing is that he had another girlfriend after only 2 months since his last contact with you. So he decided to break up with you and start another relationship, all this without informing you, while you were trying to reach him in the same time. He must have known how bad you felt. One possibility is that he already had this other woman in sight (or even in his life) when you had the argument over phone. It is impossible to know as an outsider if this was the case, but the fact that it was so easy for him to cut all contact with you and to move on with someone so fast, after being together with you for 3 years, strongly implies that his feelings towards you were not very strong during the time of the argument over the phone. Otherwise I do not believe he would have behaved this way. Dear Friend, I am not saying these things in order to make you feel bad. Please do not torment yourself wondering if your ex boyfriend was already involved with someone or thinking of someone when you had the argument. You will most likely never know the truth and it will only make you feel more sad. But what you should think about is what I said about your ex boyfriend moving on very fast and cutting all contact to you instantly, and what all this tells about the depth of his feelings towards you. Based on this I believe that if you had stayed together with him, you would have most likely broken up sooner or later, and the longer you were together, the more painful it would have been for you. If you understand the physiological basis of your painful emotions, it will help you to recover faster. I recommend you to read this response I wrote to a person who wrote to me to discussion forum. Everything I say to her regarding the physiological basis of these painful emotions I wish to say to you: Fighting the emotional pain after separation. I also recommend you to read the articles I refer to in that response. To read more about controlling the emotions, please visit page Controlling the emotions. Warm hug and lots of strength,
- Maria If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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Stories - Narcissism 
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my email. I agree with your observations and suggestions. I do have the relationship and my financial security linked. What is ironic, is that I fought against that in the relationship. I didn't want to rely on him financially, but after some time, began to trust that we did have a future together and I would be ok to trust him with that piece of my life. It took much convincing on his part for me to feel comfortable with that.
Also, when he left and I got a hold of him two months later, he seemed to take pleasure in the knowledge that I was ruined financially. He said, "You probably feel like the rug got pulled out from under you, huh?", "You doubled down, rolled the dice and lost it all," and my personal favorite, "You almost had the keys to the Golden City and you blew it". He also went on to tell me that, not to worry, our relationship served a purpose in teaching him how to respect women. He considers himself a much better listener now and he doesn't even tell sexist jokes anymore. He told me that I had forced him to stop loving me. I think the rest of us can recognize the ridiculousness of that statement.
When a friend of mine contacted him, out of concern for my children and I, he was embarrassed and had his secretary send me a check for $15,000. I returned the check, thanked him, but let him know that I am not for sale. I don't regret that choice. It's one of the only decisions that has helped me to salvage my dignity.
I am even less materialistic than the "guy next door" and love people based on their presence, not their accomplishments or possessions. My trust in goodness has been tested. I am fighting very hard right now to not let this experience tarnish my ability to see the best in others. It is a conscious effort every day.
I read your article on positive and negative feedback loops and can see the validity of your information. I will be focusing my thinking in a positive direction. I guess when I feel the pain, I need to redirect my thinking and see what happens.
Thanks again for your help.
Best of luck to you in your research.
Lisa