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Hello Maria, I've been in a relationship with a Narcissist on and off for 3 years and 8 months. Through all this time, there was never a significant consistent time of peace. I was so blind and in love that I couldn't see straight. She, the Narcissistic, is the classic textbook example, though at the time I had no idea of what a Narcissistic was. It has always been my fault that we don't work out. I'm the one with all the issues and problems and I live with the horrible scrutiny all the time. Through all of this, I have continue to love beyond comprehension this woman. I know, understand and love her like no other has loved her before. The last year and a half I haven't lived in a fantasy land, I knew what I was up against and I continued to believe and trust with the continued lying and betrayal. The only difference in my relationship than most is we are both women. I've tried my hardest to be the perfect person for her. I'm beautiful, successful, kind, genuine, caring and loved her children and family with all my heart. None of this was enough, because I always react to her lies and her actions and she makes me feel so devalued as a person. Yet, she will always come back to me. I've tried to move on several times, however, she always seems to come back and seek me out and love me again and my love was so strong, I would believe in her. It's like she's so in love with me, and yet at the same time runs away and hurts me. It's like she punishes me every time I do something wrong, and is teaching me a lesson. I've heard her laugh and say, "it's behavior modification"! Well, she did it again, right before the holidays. She left me and got back with her young ex. She is around 50 and the young girl is around 30. Because you see.... the other woman adored her as well. It's been another huge devastating shock to me once more, and I do not know how many times can I experience and go through this trauma. In my heart I know she loves me but, really, is incapable of having a healthy relationship. She will, no doubt, eventually get bored again with this other person and curiosity and jealousy will drive her to seek out me again when things go wrong. I so much want to be strong this time and refuse to be manipulated and emotionally abused by this person again. I cannot go through another year of hurt and pain that I just went through in 2009. I love her dearly in spite of everything, but, I have to be strong. Thank you for letting me pour my hurt to you. It's hard enough to be in a gay relationship as it is, with not being able to share with friends and family because of the stigma. I do have great Faith in God and I have been praying for His help and guidance. Thank you for listening. __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for your email. I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. You wrote that you have been experiencing this kind of situation often in year 2009. It seems that there is a certain pattern in the behavior of your girlfriend, and that pattern is destructive for you. You wrote "it seems that she loves me, but in the same time she runs away and hurts me". You also said that you feel your girlfriend devalues you and has been lying to you and betraying your trust. In the end it does not matter what is making your girlfriend to behave in such a cruel way towards you, the most important point is that her behavior is making you suffer.  Your girlfriend should be very well aware of what her behavior is doing to you and what kind of mental suffering she is putting you through. Yet she keeps on behaving in a way that is causing you pain. I believe your girlfriend cares for you in her way, since she always comes back to you and obviously has wanted to maintain a relationship with you. The problem is that your girlfriend loves herself more than she loves you. She went back to that younger woman just before the holidays and left you to spend Christmas alone. That is a cruel act. We do not do that sort of thing to someone we love.
Dear Friend, I wish to be very straight with you. Ask yourself if you could do such thing to your girlfriend, right before the holiday when most people are looking forward to spending relaxed and happy time with their beloved ones. I do not think you could do this to her. This means your love for your girlfriend is stronger than her love towards you. From your email I got an impression that you already understand this, but you have chosen to stay with your girlfriend nevertheless, because you love her so strongly. In a way you have chosen to sacrifice part of your own happiness and stay by her side even though she is treating you badly sometimes. I can understand so well why you are doing it. Being in a relationship with a narcissistic person is like being addicted to a drug. It is so difficult to let go.To read more about this, please visit page How to detach from a Narcissist. It is painful to stay with a narcissist, but it feels even more painful to go away and to be alone. This is due to the fact that the relationship with a narcissist is often filled with very strong emotions. With a narcissist, the "highs" are ecstatic, and the "lows" are devastating. The emotions are very strong both ways, in good and in bad. Due to this, the relationship with a narcissist is never "boring". It is easy to get addicted to a narcissist, because after the depressing, heart-breaking "low" (when a narcissist has abandoned one emotionally or physically or has been otherwise misbehaving), the "high" feels so euphoric (when a narcissist returns, is behaving well, swears to love one forever etc).  We humans are built in such a way that we are subconsciously making all sorts of comparisons. We are often determining the level of our happiness and success in life by comparing our situation to either our own past or to the life of people around us. We see the beautiful models and handsome actors and if we are not happy with our own body, only a few can avoid the sting of sadness when comparing our own appearance to those "perfect" figures. When a narcissist is mistreating us, that is making us feel bad, because in a way we have been pushed down from a "pedestal". In the beginning of the relationship, a narcissist is making us feel special. This is resulting in the release of endorphins in our brain and is causing a slight euphoria. Then when a narcissist suddenly withdraws his or her attention or even worse, chooses to leave us for someone else, the production of endorphins shuts down abruptly, causing anxiety and depression. You can read more about this topic from page How to detach from a Narcissist and from page Learn to Control your Emotions.
If a narcissist returns to us after he or she has left us, we again feel special (even though the feeling is not the same as in the beginning; it has been corrupted by the bad behavior of a narcissist). We are trying to hang on to that feeling, hoping to reach the same euphoric state as we felt in the very beginning of the relationship. This is same kind of a cycle as in case of a person who is addicted to drugs. When one understands the dynamics of this negative cycle, one can start the process of breaking free.  It is not easy to end a relationship with a narcissist, but it is definitely doable. People who have managed to leave a narcissist are always happy they did so when they look back after several years. I have never encountered (or even heard of) anyone who has been able to break free from a narcissist several years earlier and today actually wishes she or he would have stayed with a narcissist. It is the same situation as with drug addicts: Once one gets rid of the drugs, one does not miss the devastating life one had while one was using them.
Dear Friend, I know you are hurting. If you stay with your girlfriend (if she again returns to you), it is very likely that you continue to feel hurt. You have tried everything you can to make your relationship work. You cannot change the other person. Your girlfriend will most likely continue to behave in the same manner in the future, rendering you slowly more and more depressed. Please do not let that happen to you. Of course you are the only one who knows your situation thoroughly and can make the critical decisions. But please read your own letter: This woman has treated you very badly, and commented lightly that it is "behavioral modification". Please consider how you wish your life to be 5-10 years from now. Do you wish to have the kind of life you have now, with your girlfriend in it and you feeling miserable, or do you wish to live a balanced, happy life, looking back and thinking how lucky you were that you did not stay in a mentally devastating relationship? Dear Friend, whatever you decide to do, please remember that you are not alone. Please write to me anytime you feel like it. My thoughts are with you. Warm hug, Maria If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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