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Hello Maria,
This is my story. You can use this to help other people. __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. __________ (Read the full story of this writer below my answer) Dear Friend, Thank you for sending your story. I am sorry to hear about your situation, it is a very difficult one. I agree with you that the message you forwarded to me was from the Lover and not from some strange "friend". The purpose of the message was clearly to hurt you as much as possible and to make you to leave your husband. I do not see how some "friend" of the Lover could have such motives. The only person who would get pleasure out of sending a message like that to you is the Lover. Also the things this "friend" is mentioning in the message are far too detailed to be known for anyone else but the Lover (see the message from the Lover at the end of this page, right after the story). It is also possible that some (or perhaps all) of the things stated in the message actually did not happen, but instead were invented by the Lover in order to cause you more pain. It is impossible to know the truth about that, so the best thing is not to think about it too much.  What is obvious when looking at that message is that this woman has absolutely no shame. She truly seems to feel entitled to have your husband and feels you should simply step aside and let her have her way. She was your friend for 10 years and lied to you all that time, having an affair with your husband behind your back. This woman clearly has no moral spine or conscience.
You said that she is still bothering you even after the relationship has ended and simply will not let go of your husband. You said that according to your husband he tried to end the relationship but she would not let go. However, you said your husband tried to end the relationship only 3 times during 10 year period. I agree with you, that does not sound as if he truly wanted to get rid of her. You said you do not know what to believe. Your husband is telling all sorts of things regarding the affair, but you do not know which parts you can believe. For example, your husband claimed that they only bought couple gifts for each other during their ten year affair. I understand that you want to know about things like that. It feels painful to think that in addition to having sex, your husband has been showing affection to this other woman in form of buying presents. Yes, I agree with you that it sounds strange that they bought only couple small things for each other. I would also doubt this if I was in your situation. But in the end it really does not matter. The betrayal of your husband has been so extensive that small details like that are making no difference in the final analysis. I understand that you are hoping to hear some indications from your husband that show that the other woman was not as important to him as you are. If you could believe that, you would have at list a chance to maintain part of your dignity in your own eyes if you decide to continue the relationship with your husband. Dear Friend, I understand how you feel. The most important question you must pose to yourself is this: Do you really, from all your heart want to stay with your husband after all this? If the answer is yes, if you feel that you love your husband despite everything and wish to stay together, then you must do your best to try to process this matter and at some point you must be able to let go of it. The worst thing you can do is just to hang on to this relationship, not being able to let go, slowly becoming more and more sad and bitter as the years go by. It will be very hard to get over the betrayal of this magnitude. But if you feel in your heart that you want to try to do it, there is a chance you might be able to make the relationship work again. This was the first time your husband got caught. It is possible that he will never cheat again after seeing the pain this is causing you and seeing the damage this has done to your relationship. But even if he would never cheat again, you will of course never forget the betrayal that went on for ten years. You need to ask yourself can you live with the knowledge and the memories of what has happened. It is good that you have waited for several months before making any decisions. It usually takes 1-2 years to recover after finding out about cheating. In your situation the recovery will most likely take longer because cheating went on for so long.  You alone can decide what you should do next. If I was in your situation, I think I would leave, because my prediction would be that I cannot forget the betrayal that has been going on for so long. But please do not think this means you should do similar decision. As I said, you alone know how you feel and what is the best way to go.
One thing I wish to say to you: Please do not stay in your marriage only for the sake of the children. They are old enough to understand if you decide to have a divorce. If you stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children, they will be very sensitive to your bad feeling and that may harm them more than if you get a divorce. At this point in their lives you are still a role model for them. The decisions you make today may influence the decisions they make later in their lives. What would you like your children to do in a similar situation? Would you like your children to stay in their marriage if they have been cheated on this badly? That is the question only you can answer. Dear Friend, I am not trying to make you feel guilty if you decide to stay in your marriage. That is the decision you make, and if you feel it is the right one, no one has anything to say about that. But I wish to point out some things you may not have been thinking of and which may influence your decisions. Based on your email your children seem to be very smart young people. If you decide to leave your husband and get a divorce, I am sure they will understand it. And even if they do not understand it now, they will understand it later in their life. All I am saying is that in this situation you should not sacrifice your happiness for the sake of your children. They will not benefit from that. Your children would not want you to suffer. If you feel you want to leave your husband and get a divorce, they will understand your decision. Dear Friend, I understand it is very painful to even think about leaving. I understand you wish to stay with your husband and you wish to find the way to get over this. If you decide to stay in your marriage, you must be patient. It will take time before you can trust your husband again. It can even be that it will never be possible. But if your husband is truly sorry and wants to save your relationship, there is a chance that you will get over this. I am saying this because this was the first time your husband cheated and got caught. He may have learned his lesson after seeing the pain he caused you and after realizing he was in danger of losing you. But the fact that an affair lasted this long makes is much harder for you to get over it. At this point is is impossible to know if you are able to survive this if you stay together with your husband. But there is a chance you will. Dear Friend, thank you for sending your story. It will help others who are facing similar problems in their relationship. Please feel free to write to me anytime you feel like it. I wish to support you any way I can. My thoughts are with you. To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. Warm hug, Maria __________________ My Story I have been with my husband now for more than 20 years. Our children are now teenagers. Both honor students and athletes. Flat out great kids. I pretty much raised them as a single mom even though I am married. Now I understand why I raised them by myself.
Back in spring 2009 I answered my husbands cell phone that he forgot. The person hung up. So I called the number back finding out it was my girlfriend. Within 30 minutes my husband was at the door looking for his phone. He works close to our house. I told him that she called and I asked him why. He told me that his buddy was using him and her for a reference for a job and she wanted to know if she needed to stay home for the interview regarding the buddy. I didn't say anymore to my husband. I called his buddy a couple days later and his buddy didn't even know who she was. By the end of the week I looked up phone bills and saw that there were many calls made back and forth to each other. I had my husband meet with me at the park after I printed the bills. He, with no hesitation told me that they had an affair about 6 years ago. I asked him how long did it last and he said just about a year. But they still were talking. He said that he was very happy that I finally found out. I told him to call her and end it. He did and told her that the phone calls had to end; that I found out.
 I called her the next day and she said she loved him and that there was more to it. I found out on Friday and we were in with the priest on Monday. My husband had chosen me to stay with. We started couseling within the week. My husband set up all the couseling. He wanted to work things out. After a month and a half of crying and asking all kinds of questions I found out that the so called 1 year affair was a 10 year affair. I looked at his old phone texts and discovered that he was with her for 10 years.
Well of course I confronted him and he finally admitted it after a while of me crying, hitting him and yelling. He told me he was only with her during his lunch hour. My husband was home every night. Never late from work. I never had any red flags to look at.
My husband has diabetes type 1. I always thought that his mood swings were because of that. He was always angry. Never wanted to be with the 3 of us. Always tired and needed a nap. This is why I say I raised our children. I ran them here and there, I helped them with their homework, I took them to church and to bible school. He never helped with raising them. I think he only changed 3 diapers. He really never even held them. Personally I don't think he wanted to be a father. I also took care of the bills, cleaned the house, made lunches and I have a full time job working with special needs children.
Yes I hated who he was, but I always thought he was just not feeling well. I bent over backwards to take care of him. There were many nights he would wake up and tell me he was having low blood sugar and I would jump up and get him juice. Every time he got sick I made sure he had what he needed. I tried so hard to impress him, whether it was keeping the gardens and yard looking nice or installing ceiling fans. We even built a house together. I know how to roof, put up kitchen cabinets, put up siding, drywall, plumb, etc. I did it all. One year after we built our small house we moved into another fixer upper. We have been in our new house for several years now and I still don't have anything done in the house. So for three years of working hard on the old house, my husband was having a great time during his lunch hour.
Just within the last couple of years I really started to feel unappreciated. I would cry to him telling him how I felt. He never talked to me. He never listened. I always listened to his phone conversations to hear about his life. I really thought he didn't love me. I even tried to love on him and he would push me away. Yes we still were active sexually, but it was always wham bam thank you mam. He never even kissed me. He never hugged me, he just used to grope me. I hated that. I even told him that love is just not sex. That I needed to be hugged and kissed. He told me he shows love by having sex. I began to hate sex just in the last 2 years. I just did it to get it over with so he wouldn't go somewhere else. Not knowing that he already was.
It was always me and my children. We would always ask him to go to church. He would tell us he had things to do around the house. He barely ever went to sporting functions unless he was coaching them. He coached my daughters sport team for a couple of years. The other woman's daughter was on the team too. He also coached my son's sport team. Otherwise that's all he did with the our children. He was never a father, just a coach.
Yes, we had our family vacations. We always went up north every 4th of July. He did a lot of hunting by himself and always golfing with friends. The kids and I would go with him to set up his tree stands. We spent a lot of time together, whether it was going to Friday fish frys or just staying home watching the sun set. On summer weekends my husband and I would sit out on the deck and drink coffee.
 As a married we did have our arguments and fights. I was the one who started most of them. I would argue that he never wanted to do anything with us. I would yell at him for making our children cry because they weren't good enough. My husband used to smoke weed also. So for years I would get very angry every time he smoked. He knew I hated him smoking. He told me that I was nothing but a nag. He felt that he was a mule and I was always holding a whip.
Now finding out about the affair, the stories are coming together. He told me that when the children were younger he felt as if I loved them more than him. He didn't feel loved anymore because I was spending so much time with them. My so called girlfriend went to him and he liked the attention. So he went with it. He also had a buddy that encouraged him and told him that I would never find out. Four years ago, my husband accused me of having an affair. I told him that I couldn't even imagine other man being on top of me. That even the thought of it made me sick! Well, it just so happens that my husband after 6 years into the affair tried to break it off with her and she told him that I was doing it too. He believed her because we were friends and he thought that I confided in her. So of course he went back to her. Again, he tried breaking it off and she told him, "After all these years, you owe me." This of course was after her divorce. So he tells me he only stayed with her so she wouldn't start talking. He was afraid that I would find out. Then one more time he tried breaking it off. So within the ten years he only broke it off with her three times. He told me we didn't know what he wanted. He felt as if I didn't love or care what he did. Even though I was bending over backwards to please him. I believe that he never wanted to break it off with her. He only did because I found out.
He said that 99.9% of the time that they were together was during his work breaks. He only bought her candy, halmark cards and 1 bottle of wine. He only took her out twice for lunch. She bought him a pen and a gift card. How do I believe that? 10 years and that's all they bought each other.
 There were also many times that the three of us were together sitting on the front porch or back deck just hanging out. My daughter was best friends with her daughter. My daughter went on vacation with her and her family (when she was married). Her daughter went on vacation with our family also. SHE has only been divorced from her husband for couple years now. My husband said that they never talked about getting together and divorcing. He also said that he NEVER told her that he loved her. He told me that they NEVER had sex in either one of our homes. However, he has been to her house many times. My old house was right across the street from where she worked. Her house is one mile down the street from his work.
My husband was never one to really celebrate my birthday, our anniversary, valentines day and sweetest day. I always had to remind him that those days were coming up. That used to really bother me and hurt my feelings. In the 10 years, three of our anniversaries he left to go on a turkey hunting trip, golfing trip and a fishing trip. He told me that it was just another day and we could celebrate it anytime. I was hurt!
Now, since all of this came out, he is a totally different person. He is bending over backwards, non stop kissing me, and always giving me hugs. He is wonderful with our children now. Not missing a thing. He helps out with the house hold chores and goes to church with us. We both are going to individual counseling. We are supposed to go to marriage counseling next month. He is finally back to the man that I dated. He is finally the father that the kids have always wanted.
SHE is still bothering us. SHE sent me a letter just before Christmas that I am forwarding to you. I know that SHE wrote it. There is no Kim person that we know of. My husband doesn't even know this person.
 I asked my husband if he ever met any of HER family and he said no. He tells me that it wasn't like that. It's so hard for me to understand. How can someone be with a person for 10 years and not love that person. He claims that he never thinks about her, nor does he miss her. How can that be? I know that they were together more (sexually) than he was with me. He told me. But then he told me that they were together the first three years a lot, but then after that it eased up. He said that 3,4 months would go by without seeing her. Yeah right! He also told me after she got a divorce he told her she needed to date other people.
I just don't know what to believe. How can I ever believe a person that lied to me for 10 years. How do I know that he won't get bored with me again? He tells me he is never going back to that life again. I just keep thinking that he doesn't deserve me. I'm so hurt. I trusted him completely. I never thought that he would do this. He was raised within a wonderful, respectful family. His parent are still married. His siblings are still married. Not only did he hurt me and our children, but he hurt a bunch of other people.
I feel used!! Not only did he use HER, but he used me too. I just don't think that I can ever move on. It's been almost six months and my heart is so cold. I don't remember how to love.
Even in the 10 years of his infidelity, the divorce word never came up. I always told myself, through sickness and in health. Because I thought he was moody because of his diabetes. I truly loved him. I kept my vows very sacred.
I'm forwarding to you a letter from HER (below). Have you ever heard of anything like this. I believe he enjoyed his CAKE and ICE CREAM.
Thank you for listening. Message from Kim, a "friend" of Susie, the Lover: Kim says, "Laura, I am a friend of Susie's and I have been hearing all kind 's of stuff that you have been saying about her. One thing is that she is a slut, she is far from it. Bill and Susie loved each other. I know you don't want to believe that but it's true! Before I even knew Susie I would go in her office and see her and him in there and I thought that they were a couple just by the way they looked at each other and by the way he was up there every day for years! If you don't believe me ask Molly ask anyone. I never did approve of what they did but she is my friend. She told me things that she shouldn't have but trust me your husband persued her. He is a total dog, he had sex with her in your house in flat rock and also in your new house. They had sex in the bathroom at your new house when you were home, you all were having a fire in your back yard and she said they had sex as they watched out your bathroom window to make sure you didn't come in, but his brother was there that day and almost caught them. They had sex all over flat rock. They had sex on your birthdays on your wedding anniv. I could go on and on. The only reason he didn't leave you was he didn't want to lose his house and his kids. He also said you were a weak woman and could never survive him leaving. He would get mad at Susie when she dated other men, he would break it off but then he would miss her so much he always came back. If you want to talk to me you can give me your number and I will call you to let you know it's all true and tell you so much more! Ten years worth! How can you stay with a man that loved another woman for that long!". _____________________ If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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Stories - Narcissism 
please help.