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Dear Maria, I have recently separated from my narcissistic partner after a relationship of 19 years. He ended the relationship over the phone and to me it came out of nowhere. I did not realize at the time that he fitted into this personality disorder, although I knew, he obviously had problems. I excused them to his sad childhood and upbringing and stress from business, tiredness etc, in fact I made too many excuses for his off behaviour. Given that with his business, he was away from home a large amount of the time, the relationship possibly would not have lasted as long as if he were home on a daily basis. Then again being addicted to him, I probably would have hung in there anyway. He clearly does not want a relationship with me anymore. I have been replaced by a new victim and I do not want a relationship with him. However we have three children, therefore there must be some contact. My problem is that he won't leave me alone. He still blames me when anything goes wrong in his life, he still lays guilt trips on me in regard to his life, he still tells me all his problems, as if I am responsible. He does this in an angry manner. He has made a mess of the financial side of his business, since I don't have anything to do with it anymore and he accuses me of embezellment, fraud, syphoning off funds, all completely untrue, illogical and irrational. He threatens me with investigation by accountants and solicitors and sending me to prison. He speaks about finding himself in huge debt that he was unaware off until we separated, yet won't put anything on the table to discuss. It is all false accusations and threats. I think he is trying to escape financial responsibility to the family. He visits the children at the family home and I want to ask him not to, but I am not sure how to go about it. What I have researched is conflicting. Some sites advise telling straight out to get lost, others say this could be dangerous. I have had a letter prepared by a solicitor re property settlement and child access. Yet I am unsure of sending it to him out off the blue. I think he intends me harm, however I don't think it would be in a physical way. I am so tired of all this, his blame, guilt trips, his trying to make me feel sorry for him, be responsible for his financial position and his problems. I just want him to go away and only speak to him in regard to picking up and dropping off the children. I just don't know the best and safest way to go about it. Can you please offer some advise and possibly insight into this for me? __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear what you are going through with your narcissistic ex. A positive thing is that it sounds like you have no desire to get back together with him. That is a very good starting point for your new life. It would be unfortunate that on top of all the troubles your narcissistic ex is now causing you, you would also be missing him and hoping to get back together with him. Of course one cannot forget a relationship of 19 years in a blink of an eye, but the impression I got from your email was that you are not harboring thoughts of possibly getting back together with this man. That is a very good thing and makes things much easier for you.  As for the problems your described, there is no straightforward answer. However, it is clear that you should find a way to stop your narcissistic ex from interfering into your life as he is now doing. He has no right to disturb you this way. Your ex partner somehow seems to think that you are still obliged to support him mentally if he has any worries, since you have been doing so for 19 years when you were together. Old habits die hard. You said you believe your ex partner intends you harm but not in a physical way. It is good if you have that kind of a feeling (that he would not become violent towards you). You are the one who knows him the best. If there was a danger that this man might become violent towards you, I would not recommend you to stand up against him for the sake of your own safety. However, you cannot let him continue to treat you this way. You must somehow make your ex partner understand that it is not appropriate for him to contact you so often and to pour his bad feeling on you. Do not insult him or get angry with him, that does not help your situation. Be calm but firm. I do not think it helps if you tell him straight out to get lost. You can send him a friendly (but firm) email, explaining that the two of you now have separate lives and that you want to do your best to continue your life and you do not wish to be in contact with him unless it involves the children or practical matters. If he does not believe you and keeps calling you complaining about his problems, just end the conversation, but still in a friendly way, for example by saying "I am sorry but I have to go now, I have told you this kind of a conversation is very unpleasant for me, please do not make me hung up on you". If he still continues talking and complaining, just hang up. This will show your ex partner that he cannot keep on treating you any way he wants and that you are no longer responsible for his problems. It may be hard for your narcissistic ex to deal with it, but he has created this situation on his own. He left you with an incredibly cold and disrespectful manner (by phone) after the relationship of 19 years. He deserves no pity or respect from you. You owe him nothing. Make him understand this. But do it in a friendly way, not for his sake, but for your own sake. It does not help you if your narcissistic ex becomes your worst enemy. He is the father of your children and hence will be part of the lives of your children. You are securing your own back by being friendly instead of insulting, making things easier for yourself and for your children, who also have to deal with him in the future. If your narcissistic ex wants to harm you, there is not much you can do to influence his thinking. You must secure yourself legally and make it very difficult for him to cause troubles for you. If he has nothing against you except false accusations, you have nothing to worry about. Concentrate on building your own life and your own future, cut your narcissistic ex out of your life (but in a friendly way, as I described above) and interact with him only if you absolutely must, even then keeping it to minimum. Dear Friend, you are now finally free and you have a bright, happy future in front of you! Do not let your narcissistic ex depress you and pull you back to the mental misery. Do not let him control you anymore. Dear Friend, you are stronger than you think! You do not have to let this man dictate your life any longer. Remember that you are not alone. Warm hug, Maria
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Stories - Narcissism 
I was married to a perfect man for 15 years, he was very loving caring and nicest man on earth. we both were in our early 20 when we got married, we both started to study in university. before we got married he had lied to me about his result to get in university. than after I found out that he has cheated on his result to get into dentistry university. I told him he was wrong and supported him to study and and apply for university wich he did and a year after he started dentistry and 2 years after I started pharmacy.sometime during his study I had found some papers in his packet that I was sure he was using them to cheat on his test. beside these he was a very nice man that everyone loved him all his friends and my family loved him so much.
after he gratuated from dentistry he moved to england tp work and I stayed in sweden and finish my own education. while I was in sweden he was missing me all the time and was coming to visite me every month. I never like his dominate mum but always were very polite to her.he was also understanding and knew that his mum is very demanding, even he was having problem with her.
after 10 years I become pregnant with our doughter and we both were happiest people on earth. and after 4 years I become pregnant with our son. I must say after we moved in sweden I found out he was sending text massages to his dentalnurse and I confronted him and he said that his nurse is a crazy girl and she is always texting him and he promised that he wont do that again. even another time I mistake and once again he was saying that crazy nurse(another one) having problem.
onetime I found out from our bank that he has changed the figures of his salary check to a higher amount. I was very angry and told him if he do this again I would leave him but as wonderful as he was with me I use to forgott everything very soon and move on with our life.I must also add that our sex life was very bad. from the day one he was not good at sex. always when we had sex his eyes were very different full of shame or not present.
I can easily say had just 6 times sex during a year. I was always complaining and he was sayingeverybody alse are like this or I am demanding too much or other thing.
I loved him alot and he knew that but after I got pregnant with our son he started to change I noticed alot of distance and knew that he was not in present with us. 4 weeks after our son was born I found out he has been cheating on me with his new nurse and when I confronted him in front of his mum, his personality completly changed, I become the worse person on earth who is joulos and never trust him. he started to say that he has never been happy with me and he wants a divorce and left us.
that loving father and housband left me and my 4 weeks old son and 4.5 years doughter. I was the worse mum wife and human on earth. he and his mum started telling my friends very bad things about me. everybody were in chock. most of our friends supported me and told him what he is doing and the timing are wrong.
he broke his contact with all the people didnt believe him. from the day one he started physicly abusing me. becouse I stopped working when I got pregnant with our doughter and he had never problem by that. he was telling me I am nobody, he disgusted me while he were married.
when he left us I was very heartbroken, I was chocked and was sure he will come back. I thought he is going throw midlifecrises and soon will realise how much he love us and will come back. but he started he abuse by talking with other girl in front of me, telling me how much happier he is. I was doing nothing not begging him to come back or not arguing with him, but he was gettin worse and worse. I even first 6 months of our separation lrtting him everyday to come to the house and visite the children, but every day he was trying to mentaly abusing me. if he would see in my face that the night before I have been crying he was nicer but if he was thinking that i have been ok he would do every possible thing to cross me.before I got enough and ask him to make plan for our children visitation and take them to his own place if he wants to see them. he started by shuting treathing me but after months that he notice he cant change my mind he stopped. It has been 3 yrars now and he has meet a 16 years younger girl now, they are engaged and he is doing everything he used to do for me with her. he was like a son to my family but he is very rude to everyone. nobody has ever said or done anything to harm him but he gets worse and worse. 8 months ago he did somthing that I cant see him in face anymore that time expect everything he had done to me before he hurt me so badly that I broke all the contact with him. I donot anylonger answere his phone calls and have told him that he only can contact me by emails or text massages. even in first his text massages or emails were very abusive. I know it is very hard for my children but I have to protect myself, My question is when will he realise what he has done to me has been very unfair?
there is always a question in my mind how? I dont want to know why just how he could forget about the all the good things we had together and do this to me? his new girl friend is the best thing that has happen to him and has saved him from hell (wich he means me).
please tell me how will he stopp his behaviour and being understanding for my and my children needs. he spent all of his money to cars clothes and holidays for he and the girl but regard to our doughter aducation he refuse to help me. since he left I have been spending the little money I had saved during our marrige and now I have started to work. if you ask me if I want him back i have tosay the man I used to love is dead and I dont know this new man. I cannot live with a dead man despite I miss him so much. I have started to thinking about my own needs and my carrier. but there is always a question in my head "how"?