Hi Maria

I am just now separating from my husband of 18 years.  I believe he is a narcissist of sorts but not sure he fits all of the descriptions that others give.  I wanted to check with you to see if there are different types of Narcissists.  My husband really poured on the attention when we were dating and we moved fast; living together after a month, engaged at 6 months.  He cooked for me, dressed nice, was very chivalrous and made me feel special.  We had fun together but slowly over the years that died.  He started talking about my weight (size 10) and saying we didn’t have chemistry or he wasn’t attracted to me.  After about 10 years we had our first child but she was not planned.  This really freaked out my husband and two years later while pregnant with my son he had his first affair.  Not just sex but a very passionate affair via phone, texting etc… lots of romantic stuff. 

We put things back together and now after 7 years he has had his 2nd affair.  This one is very romantic, again mostly texting etc but has now turned to a full blown affair.  After the third day or so they were already at “I Love You” and after just a month they are convinced they will grow old together.  It could be true love but my suspicion is he is in a narcissistic fantasy stage.  During our marriage I always felt like I was pulling him through and he was always detached from the family, never really enjoying the kids.  He however, wasn’t physically abusive, didn’t have emotional outbursts (though he did slam things and pout etc. when he doesn’t get his way), and worked hard to not hurt my feelings event though I know he didn’t like the way I dressed or my dress size and didn’t find me attractive. 

He is really into material items though he isn’t at all boastful.  He is smug (acting a bit above others) and doesn’t maintain long term relationships well.  Mostly, he just won’t do anything that he doesn’t want to do.  He is extremely charming and has many at our Country Club etc. thinking he is the greatest guy ever.  Even though he was unhappy for the past 18 years (so he says) he has hung there and had the two affairs.  It seems to me if he was narcissistic he would have had more or left earlier.  Though we were married for 18 years he has just completely left me emotionally, replacing me and the kids in just a matter of weeks.

My therapist has met him and believes he is a Narcissist but it bothers me that he doesn’t completely fit the profile.  We are separating and likely divorcing but it would be helpful for me to know if he sounds to you like a narcissist or just a selfish person.  

Any thoughts that you have would be greatly helpful.  Your Healing After Cheating book was hugely helpful to me! 

Thank you.

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am glad you found my website and decided to write to me. I am also happy to hear you have found my book to be helpful for you. I wrote it aiming to help people to get over the emotional pain faster after experiencing cheating or narcissism in a relationship (to find out more about the book, visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism) and my best reward is the knowledge that I have been able to help others who are going through what I went through.

You are posing a very good question: Are there different levels of narcissism? The answer is yes, absolutely. Narcissism is a term that is used to describe an excessive selfishness in a person. We all are selfish to certain extent. Evolution has favored those individuals who are more selfish when compared to the individuals who are less selfish. A more selfish individual often has better chances of survival and passing on his or her genetic line, eventually resulting in increase in the "density of selfishness" in population.

If you are starving and you know you will die if you give away the last piece of your food to your equally starving neighbor, does it make you an evil person if you hold on to your food? No. Even though in the ideal world one might sacrifice oneself for the sake of others in that situation, in reality most people would not do it. Survival instinct is essential for the success of the species and due to exceptionally strong survival instinct, the genetic line of selfish people has prevailed and spread during the course of evolution. This is the main reason why selfishness has been preserved in today's world. Those individuals who are very arrogant and selfish often prosper on the expense of others. The individuals who exhibit extreme selfishness and lack of empathy are called narcissists.

The point of all this is to say that selfishness is a natural part of the personality of a human being. However, as is the case with all different personality traits, also the level of selfishness varies among people. Most of us fall into an average range. There are individuals who's level of selfishness is close to zero. Then there are people who show very high level of selfishness. An extreme case is called a narcissist (or in the most extreme case a psychopath, an individual who is totally unable to experience normal emotions).

One characteristic of a narcissist is the inability to put oneself into other person's position due to the lack of empathy. It is not possible to be selfish and to be empathetic in the same time. If one is empathetic, that is preventing one from being selfish. In a way these are two opposite forces, constantly seeking balance in a human being. The relative proportions of these two traits vary in humans, resulting in different kinds of personalities, some more selfish than others.

It sounds like your husband has some narcissistic tendencies, but he does not seem to fully belong to the same category with the people who are extremely narcissistic. You said your husband has tried not to hurt your feelings too much, even though you know he has not for example liked something you wear etc. However, you said that occasionally your husband has told you he does not find you attractive. So in some occasions your husband seems to behave in an insensitive manner, not caring for your feelings, whereas in other situations he seems to be more considerate.

Of course it is natural that people argue time to time, and if your husband has said those negative things in the heat of an argument, it is not the same as if he said those things to you calmly, aiming to hurt you without any reason. On the other hand you say your therapist met your husband and thinks he is a narcissist. It is impossible to make a "diagnosis" from the distance, without knowing the person. But your therapist is a professional. If your therapist said your husband might be narcissistic, it is very likely this is the case. 

You said it bothers you that your husband does not completely fit the profile of a narcissist. Dear Friend, in the end it does not matter what is the level of narcissism in your husband. All that matters is that your husband has let you down and abandoned you and the children in a matter of just couple weeks. It is clear that your husband is thinking of his own desires and wishes and is incapable of putting himself into your position. Your husband makes his decisions based on what he wants, regardless of how it makes you feel.

You wrote your husband claims he has been unhappy for the last 18 years. That is a total nonsense and the fact that your husband is talking to you like that strongly implies that he is not very empathetic person. Even if your husband was truly, strongly in love with this other woman, if he was a considerate and kind person, he would handle the situation so that you would not have to feel any additional pain, out of respect for you after sharing 18 years together. Instead your husband is insulting you with comments like that. This man has proven to you he is not worthy of you. Dear Friend, you can walk away with your head held high: If this is your husband's true personality, you have not lost anything very valuable. 

I know how hurt you feel due to your husband's betrayal. But trust me when I say this: You will get over this. Thank you for your email. Please feel free to write to me anytime you feel like it. I wish to support you any way I can.

Warm thoughts,

Maria 

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it   

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