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Hello Maria,
I thoroughly appreciate your site. A friend shared it with me when I asked her if she thought my husband might be a Narcissist. Here is my story, perhaps you can offer feedback and you have my permission to post it on your site.
Married my handsome and charming husband 7 months after meeting online. He swept me off my feet, and it was just an incredible feeling knowing that I'd found my soulmate. People envied our relationship in the first few years, as we were the "perfect couple." After about three years, I started to feel unhappy but was not sure why. When I read back through my journals, I can pinpoint a day back then when I said "something is changing, and I don't know what." It seemed that suddenly he was less into me, less interested in having me along with him when he went out for gigs (he's a performer.) I felt that I was being relegated to stay home and take care of his kids from his previous marriage. I thought it was my fault.
We moved away from our hometown shortly after that realization, because I thought that moving away would be a fresh star for us, away from his ex-wife, and just going on an adventure. The move did not turn out as I'd hoped. He has gone through a series of jobs, and we have had much financial turmoil. And... these past several years he had gotten more and more distant, mocking, and unpleasant to be around. In my journals I would write over and over "what is wrong with me? why do I feel so alone even though I was married? It never occurred to me that it was him. When I started to suspect it was his issue was when I noticed that even though he was so dismissive of me, and yet so controlling, but still whined that I wasn't making HIM feel loved enough or wanted. Then one day I discovered that he'd been looking at online personals on several sites, and found out that there was a woman he'd corresponded with when he met me, that he thought he was in love with. The facade started to crumble.
 I told him back then (a few years ago) that I was leaving. He begged me to stay, and was so emotional. So instead of my leaving, he found a job and moved back to our hometown ahead of me. He failed at that job and we ended up back where we moved several years ago. Once again, I tried to make it work, but finally told him I was unhappy and leaving him. He became distant and aloof, and talked about how he couldn't wait to be with other women, and about his new life. This was his response to the end of our marriage... talking about how fun his new life would be. And, he was already looking at women online. We were stuck here in our house, trying to sell it and having no money for either of us to leave. We were completely civil, and he kind of turned things around to be that I wasn't leaving him, but it was mutual because he wasn't happy either (so he didn't look like a failure.) But through all of that we'd agreed that neither of us would see other people, or do anything like that because we were still married and living together, and possibly working things out.
That all changed one day when I found a secret email account he'd started. I had started to feel suspicious when he was constantly checking his email, and cleaning his history fanatically. He became more cold toward me, and started sleeping in the guest room. One day he announced that he's taking off his wedding ring because it's time for us to move on. When I'd asked him if he was corresponding with someone, or doing something that would hurt me if I found out, he said "no way!" He EVEN swore on his dog's life, his mother and grandmother's life that he was being truthful. (you know where this is going, don't you?) Once again, after I'd found the evidence, I asked him if he was being honest. Maria, he looked me STRAIGHT in the eye and swore that he was NOT doing those things, then had the nerve to get angry at me for asking!
After that I found more emails because I'd discovered the password to the secret account. He had tracked down a high school girlfriend from 30 years ago and was professing his love for her, telling her that she was the only soulmate he'd had but he blew it with her, and basically dissing our marriage, and comparing me and his ex-wife to her (in a bad way.) They were making a date to meet again after not seeing each other since just before we'd married, etc. She is in an unhappy marriage, and the two of them were going on and on together about being their "true love." One day, I read an email that somehow just snapped in me... he said "if my wives knew how I felt about you all these years, they'd be so jealous!" I lost it. I called him as he left work and told him I knew about her, and how I felt about him.
 He came home that night and cried (but no tears!). He begged me to take him back and forget that we were splitting up. He said he'd had an epiphany and realized that all of the ways he'd been aloof and unkind to me were because he couldn't face his own failures, and that his conversations with that ex-girlfriend were just "writing to myself to make myself feel better" and he meant it at the time, but didn't really mean it. He just couldn't bear to lose me now, and always thought in the back of my mind that even if I left, I'd still be around if he changed his mind or something. I agreed to try again. He wrote an email to that woman and told her he was in love with his wife and told her what he'd told me, and it was a mistake. I actually felt badly for her because he just blindsided her with that news, when they were in the middle of talking about what their first date would be.
Now that this has happened, I find myself feeling uneasy again. Yes, he's professed his love again, and promised to be a better person to me. But I still have this nagging feeling inside. I can't describe it. I should be thrilled that he's changed his ways (according to him), and that he's had this insight, but I can't quite forget what he wrote to her, and maybe I'm not sure that I believe him (or that he even knows the truth about his feelings.)
I started researching Narcissism, and started to wonder if his romantic intensity for me in the beginning, then losing interest, then finding that ex-girlfriend and even using the same lines on her that he did on me, then getting busted by me and suddenly throwing all of his focus onto winning me back and dumping her so abruptly, is indicating Narcissism.
Here is some of the stuff that makes me thing he's an N. - It is VERY important to him that people find ME attractive, and it seems to be the basis of his attraction to me.
- He cannot be wrong. He gets upset if you contradict him, or disagree with him. He will debate you to your death until you either give up or give in.
- He talks about people who are his "fans", and while he's a performer, it's a bit weird.
- He puts down other people a lot, and criticizes strangers, neighbors, co-workers, my family and friends.
- He tells me all the time that he needs to feel wanted and special, and anytime I do something nice for him he has to remind me that he likes that and should do it more (but I am very very nice to him!)
- He only finds his own interests interesting.
- His father was super-critical of him, but his mother was extremely indulgent with him and worships him (and frankly used her as a substitute for her awful husband emotionally.)
- He seems more interested in people thinking he's wonderful for doing things, than doing things because he's wonderful.
- He sweeps me up with big promises and dreams about how successful he'll be, and how great life will be, but because he also has ADD, he spends most of his time talking about it, or watching tv or playing video games instead of making things happen.
Sorry this is so long. I'm really at a crossroads. I can so appreciate and understand the brilliant things you've written about those "mental hooks." I am in that situation now. I feel there is a little voice inside me that has been trying to tell me for years that I need to go, but I keep believing his big dreams and promises over and over. And because he's been so good at his control, I feel more in tune with not hurting HIM instead of myself. He has taught me not to make him upset or unhappy, or to disagree with him. He is never vicious toward me, nor physically threatening, but he taught me that if I disagree or try to assert myself it will be met with anger, or his upset stomach, or saying "You Did NOT just say that! If you did there will be trouble!" Never ever a sense of physical threat, but just anger and control.
Do you have feedback for me? How do I see things clearly again and start putting my emotional needs first. Do you think that someone can truly change and see what they've done wrong (in 5 minutes?) The thing that made me so curious about your Narcissism writings is the utter speed with which he went from total disregard for me and in love with his ex-gf, to suddenly madly in love with me and never looking back at her. Also, when I met him he had just been broken up with by his ex-wife, and he spent years telling me how awful and uncaring she was, and that he never got treated right, but that I was so different and truly cared for him and took care of him. But then when he wrote all those things to the ex-girlfriend, he told her that I was not caring for him just like his ex-wife, and no one ever gave HIM backrubs or breakfast in bed (which is a lie). That makes me think Narcissism.
Thank you for any help you can offer. I am so sorry that this is incredibly long, and probably rambling. this is the first time that I've been able to really write all of this out in one place, and relate it to Narcissism. Thanks again for the wonderful information that you have on your site -- it's a lifesaver. __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for your email. It sounds like you are indeed dealing with a narcissistic person. There are many elements in your story that support this assumption. For example, you mentioned your husband got angry when you (correctly) accused him of cheating. If a person is innocent, usually there is no reason to get angry unless groundless accusations occur very often. One possible indicator that a person is in fact not being completely honest is the kind of rage you described in your email. Your husband knew he was lying and tried to mislead you by getting excessively angry in order to direct your attention away from the actual matter.  You also mentioned how your husband started to describe to you how "wonderful" his life will be once you are out of the picture, how he is waiting to meet "all the new women" as a single man. That is very cruel talk from his part. Even if two people decide to go apart, there is no reason to deliberately insult and hurt the other person. If your husband truly cared for you, he would not deliberately hurt you by saying things he knows will make you feel sad.
On the other hand, you said it was you who initiated the separation. That must have been a huge blow to your husband's ego. Under those circumstances, people often say things they regret afterward. But even if your husband was saying those things in "the heat of the moment", there are so many other elements in your story that give a reason to believe your husband is strongly narcissistic. You said your husband wrote to his ex girlfriend "if my wives knew how I have felt about you, they would be so jealous". This kind of a sentence is complete nonsense. If it is true that your husband got married twice and stayed married for a long time while he was constantly thinking of his old girlfriend, he would have to be quite simple-minded and, allow me to say this, stupid individual. A woman once wrote to me saying she felt so bad when her husband told her he had been unhappy for the last 20 years they had been married. The fact is that anyone who stays for years with someone and is feeling "miserable" all that time but is never uttering a word until the relationship has ended, has only himself or herself to blame. If one is not happy but is not doing anything to change the situation, one should not put the blame on other person after the relationship has ended. The people who visit my website are different in this aspect: They know there is something wrong in their relationship and they are actively trying to understand the nature of the problem and find a solution. Your husband wrote to his ex girlfriend "if my wives knew how I feel about you, they would be so jealous". This part of the sentence is another indicator that your husband is indeed narcissistic. According to his thinking, his wives would automatically be devastated if they could no longer be together with him, the Perfect Man. The way a narcissist forms his or her sentences is often giving a narcissist away. This is a good example. It was completely pointless to say something like that to ex girlfriend. The whole sentence was simply insignificant and strange. In fact, if I was his ex girlfriend and I would read a sentence like that, it would make me feel very uncomfortable and certainly would alarm me to observe other signs that might imply I am dealing with an individual who is very self-centered.  You described how your husband panicked when you found out about the emotional cheating and immediately concentrated all his energy and focus into getting you back. This kind of a behavior is also typical for a narcissist. As long as your husband felt he was in control of the situation (meaning that he was the one to decide whether to be with you or with the other woman) he felt strong, but as soon as he lost that "advantage" and it seemed that you would actually make the decision for him (you told him you would leave him), he panicked. When your husband realized he was no longer in control, he started to take the necessary steps to regain the lost control.
Also the way your husband disregarded the ex girlfriend in a blink of an eye after making her first believe they shared something special indicates your husband is a very self-centered person. He is not capable of putting himself into another person's position. What he claimed to be the reason for him writing to ex girlfriend is simply rude. He said that he wrote to her only to make himself feel better. It is all about him. If what your husband says is true, he was simply using the ex girlfriend for his own selfish purposes, without caring at all about her feelings. On the other hand if your husband is lying to you when he says he didn't mean what he wrote to his ex, that means your husband is dishonest and untrustworthy. Both options are quite unpleasant from your point of view. There are many things in your story that indicate this man has strong narcissistic tendencies. Please read this response I wrote regarding the definition of narcissism and the evolution of selfishness: Different levels of narcissism. Some of the points that make me believe your husband is narcissistic are the following:
- His inability to accept criticism and discuss the matter in a constructive way
- His obvious need to be admired by others
- He seems to criticize others often
- He has big plans and dreams, but he does not do concrete things to make them into reality
- The degrading way he described you to his ex girlfriend when he he was interacting with her via email These are only few examples. I am glad you made the correct observation that you feel attached to this man due to the "mental hooks" and not necessarily due to genuine love. It is very difficult to break free from the mental addiction. The first step in the process is to realize and admit that one is addicted. You have already taken that step, from here on things will be easier.  You said you have a nagging feeling inside and you do not feel 100% comfortable in your relationship. That is very natural in this situation. You know that your husband is not 100% reliable. This is a fact, his past behavior has proven that. Because you are a smart woman, you cannot fool yourself to believe anything different. It is very stressful to be in a relationship without (at list close to) 100% trust. Your mind is trying to adjust to these new conflicting circumstances and this adjustment process is painful.
If you stay in this relationship, eventually your mind will be able to "mold" the reality in such a way that you feel good about being in the relationship. Some call this process self-performed brainwashing, others call it rebuilding the trust. In the end these are just names used to describe the same process: In order to stay in your relationship and in the same time maintain your mental health you must be able to tell yourself that the situation is not hopeless, that there is a chance that your man will be truthful from now on. If you cannot believe that, there is no point in staying in the relationship. So the only solution for you is to make yourself to believe your husband might be a better partner to you in the future. Right now the memories of the betrayal are still fresh in your mind, and it is very hard for you to hold on to the hope that your husband will remain honest. Doubts are circulating in your mind and you feel depressed and unhappy. The memories of unwanted events keep coming back uninvited. Dear Friend, please be aware that I am not saying these things in order to try to convince you to leave your husband. I am simply stating some facts that will help you to make your decision. Many people decide to stay in a relationship in your situation. It is clear that your feelings towards your husband are strong. It can be that you are simply not ready to leave yet. However it sounds like you know the answer in your heart, that most likely you will leave at some point. All this mental processing you are now going through is preparing you to that. You asked if I believe it is possible for a person like your husband to change. If your husband indeed is a narcissist, the prospect is not very good. However, if your husband truly wants to change, it is possible for him to improve his behavior significantly. So the situation is not hopeless. But be aware that any improvement requires strong commitment and will from your husband. You alone know him well enough to make the judgment whether to believe he is capable of changing or not. Dear Friend, as I said it sounds to me that you are still doubting. You are still not ready to give up and walk away. If you were, you would not have written to me your email, you would have moved on by now. Please give yourself some time. In the end you might even decide to stay in this relationship. Do not put any boundaries to yourself, keep your mind open. However stay alert. If things start to go to bad direction again, if you realize one day that you have again written to your diary "something has changed", then it will be easier for you to make the decision to leave. You no longer need to wonder if things will work out if you give your husband a second chance. You have already done that, and it did not help. You can leave without looking back wondering if you did the right thing. Give yourself a bit of time to observe the situation, the behavior of your husband and how your feelings towards him will evolve. If your husband keeps on behaving in an unpleasant way towards you, do not tolerate that. You deserve respect and love from the person you share your life with. The fact that you wrote your thoughts down has helped you to clarify where you stand. Hopefully my feedback helps you to clarify your thoughts even more, when you hear an outsider's thoughts regarding the matter. Dear Friend, I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do. Thank you for sending your story. Please feel free to write to me whenever you feel like it. My thoughts are with you. To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. Warm hug, Maria If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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Stories - Narcissism 
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