Here is my story.

When I met him I thought he was charming, funny, attentive, genuine, sweet etc. He wanted to see me regularly and asked me things about myself. He was complimentary and reliable with making and keeping plans, calling frequently. We seemed to enjoy each others company/common interests, laughing etc..

The first “gut” feelings I started having were in relation to how he spoke of his childhood. He stated he felt insecure that he came from a “broken” home and that his mother was an alcoholic. He stated he was kicked out by his mother and lived with his dad. Stated that he thought no one loved him. He wouldn’t elaborate on why he was kicked out….he did refer to having a “blackout” at some point. I ignored my gut feelings and figured, everyone has past hurts and that I shouldn’t judge on that. He seemed nice, but just had some insecurities/past hurts.

Over the next months, we went on some camping trips and enjoyed this. We laughed a lot, teased each other often.
In the beginning of our relationship, he seemed to praise that I am a nurse. Later though, I found myself subjected to comments that degraded my job. He stated he was “just joking”. On one occasion he made these degrading comments when we were out with my friends. I have a degree and I felt very offended by his comments. I expressed my unease to him regarding these comments. He would apologize at the time, but it didn’t change. The comments just became more subtle.

I had shared with him that I am slightly insecure about a scar I have on my cheek. One night when we were with friends, 2 work guys came and said hi to me. Immediately after, my boyfriend pointed out my scar to me and said he could really notice it in the light. My stomach sank but I pretended I wasn’t bothered because I knew he was trying to make me feel bad.

Over time, I noticed that his outlook on life seemed more negative than what I originally thought. He expressed a dissatisfaction with his job. Stated that he often felt that he was in the wrong profession. He would spend a fair amount of time talking about himself and his stresses. He was not as interested in hearing about me or my day anymore. Seemed less interested in me…. less affectionate….. but then would be nice again. …hot/cold.

After several months of dating, he broke it off with me. It happened after I had gone out for Halloween with a friend. I could tell he seemed “annoyed” I was going out and he expressed how he hated Halloween…. stated it was an excuse for women to dress like “sluts”. I had called him that night and invited him to join me, but he ignored my call. The following day he told me that he didn’t think that we had “spark” etc. He cried and went into his childhood problems again and stated he didn’t know if he was falling in love with me. I was devastated. Although I could sense a change in him, I couldn’t understand how someone that had me on a pedestal for some time, could just throw me away.

Two days following, he called me. Stated that he made a mistake. Said he got scared and was worried I was out seeking other men. It didn’t make sense to me as I had never stood him up, ignored a call from him, or did anything to make him feel untrusting. I decided to give him another chance. We got back together. Within a few weeks, he became cold/distant again. I tried to discuss it with him but he denied anything was wrong. He would warm up a bit, then get cool again. I was getting tired of this and started getting a bit cold towards him. He then broke up with me again, stating that I gave him the cold shoulder when we were out (which I did). Stated he never wanted to feel that again.

I found out that within days of us breaking up, he had moved on. I was shocked and felt betrayed because it was obvious that he had been interacting with this girl while still with me. She was someone he knew through co workers. Fast forward. One year later I saw him on facebook through a mutual friend. I sent him a quick email. He responded and later asked to get together. We were back together soon after that.

These are the things that happened in our last year inbetween good times: (Click the link below to read the rest of this story).

>>  CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS STORY  <<

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. I am so happy to hear that you are no longer together with this man who clearly has strong narcissistic tendencies. There are so many elements in your story that without a doubt prove this man could never have made you happy. Had you stayed with him, he only would have made you slowly more and more depressed. I am so happy for you that you are now out of the circle of his influence, in a peaceful place where you can start your healing process. To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

I am also glad to hear you are seeing a counselor. A professional can greatly speed up your recovery. You did the right thing by deciding to go to see a counselor. After experiencing the mental stress you went through with your narcissistic ex it is such a relief to be able to share your feelings with a professional who understands you, does not think you are "crazy" or that the fault was in you, but realizes that you were a victim of an abusive person. It takes long time to get over abuse. In some ways mental abuse (frequent degrading comments, rage attacks, unexpected abandonment, general unreliability, coldness etc other things you described in your email) can be even worse than physical abuse, if the abuse continues for a long time, as it did in your case.

Depression develops slowly and often without the clear "warning signs", until the condition is already relatively advanced. It is possible that the mental abuse you have experienced in your relationship has made you depressed. I am sure you have discussed these matters with your counselor and you have gotten good advices as to what to do regarding this possibility. Dear Friend, please remember that what you are now going through is a normal consequence after experiencing abusive relationship. Anyone would feel the same way as you do now, had they experienced what you have experienced. If you did not feel depressed and sad over what has happened to you, you would be a person without emotions, in other words a psychopath. Your pain proves that you are a warm human being, capable of experiencing normal emotions, a caring person who could not treat another human being the way your narcissistic ex boyfriend treated you.

Below I will give you my feedback regarding your letter, aiming to help you to keep your spirits high, to perhaps see the situation from a bit different point of view and to help you to recover faster and move on, leaving this dark period in your life behind.

A narcissist is often trying to stay in control by putting the other person mentally down

The way you described your boyfriend made remarks about your scar after some men gave you compliments is simply cruel and heartless behavior. Unfortunately that kind of a remark in that kind of a situation is very typical for a narcissistic person. When your boyfriend saw other men were showing interest towards you, instead of being proud and happy of being your partner your boyfriend immediately proceeded to put you mentally down.

If you read other stories on this website, you will see this is a very common strategy for a narcissist. Your boyfriend wanted to make you feel you are "lucky" to be with him, because "who else would want a woman with a scar like that". This was his strategy to prevent you from seeing the true state of your relationship and to take your focus away from the fact that you could actually do so much better than to be with a man like him.

Deep inside your boyfriend must have realized he was misbehaving towards you, and he knew that there was a real risk that you would leave him. If you did that, it would have been a huge blow to his ego and so he did everything he could to break your spirit and weaken your self-esteem so that you would remain by his side. His degrading comments regarding your profession served the same selfish purpose.

Dear Friend, do not mistake this behavior for love. Your boyfriend did not want to keep you by his side this strongly because he loved you. He wanted to keep you (or more correctly, he did not want YOU to leave HIM) because he did not want to "fail". This is very typical for a person with very low self-esteem: They constantly need external "proof" and reassurance that they are not being "weak". For your boyfriend it was all about HIM and the image of himself that he wanted to maintain in his own eyes as well as in the eyes of the world.

You wrote "I pretended I wasn’t bothered because I knew he was trying to make me feel bad" when your boyfriend made remarks about your scar. Dear Friend, you do not have to tolerate this kind of behavior in your relationship. The people we love do not want to harm us or hurt us. The love of a parent towards a child is very pure. Does a parent show his or her love by deliberately making the child feel bad? Imagine a smiling child who just received a compliment from someone. Can you imagine a parent saying to child "they only said that to make you feel good" etc? Why should a spouse be any different in this regard. As I said, if your boyfriend truly loved you, he would not have behaved that way towards you. Your happiness would have been his priority. But because your ex boyfriend is a very self-centered person, he was incapable of thinking other person's feelings.

Dear Friend, do not believe for a moment that your scar is making you look unpleasant. The fact that your boyfriend wanted to make you feel like that, is actually working against him. It is a proof that you are actually a very attractive woman. Otherwise he would not have the need to try to make you feel the opposite. On the other hand the fact that your ex boyfriend obviously liked to view himself as a successful, flawless person makes it very unlikely that he would have been with you if you did not "fit" to this image. A "successful, flawless man" needs a beautiful, loyal and smart woman by his side... So much for his degrading comments regarding your profession. If you truly were so insignificant in his eyes, he would not have been with you in a first place. Deep in his mind your ex boyfriend knew your true value and it was frightening to him, because he knew that the moment when the "rose-red glasses" dropped from your eyes and you realized how badly he was treating you, you would most likely leave him.

You wrote: "as soon as I started lightning up a bit and sounding like I still wanted to work on things he stopped crying and was more distant again. Felt like it was ok for him to want to end things, but he didn’t want me to agree. I got the feeling he wanted me to feel hurt over him". You are correct in your analysis. For your ex boyfriend, it was all about control and his self-image. HE needed to be the one who decided what would happen. Immediately when your ex boyfriend felt that he lost that "advantage", he started crying, telling about his bad childhood etc, hoping to get a reaction from you. As soon as he got it, it made him feel better about himself and he again became cold toward you. In a certain way, for him it was all just a game. All that mattered was his own good feeling, and if you got hurt in a process, he did not care about that. His rude talk about your scar, degrading comments about your job, the way he wanted to leave you behind as a hurt woman and many other things you mention in your email are indicators of his extreme selfishness and ignorance towards your feelings.

Breaking mentally free from a narcissist - Letting go of the false image

Dear Friend, I know how hard it is to let go of a narcissistic partner. I know how much you miss your ex boyfriend and how badly you wish you could still be with him. How you wish you could somehow change the past, change him and change your relationship. But when you think about those things, you will see that your ex boyfriend was never really the kind of a person you wanted him to be. When you understand that you never really had as valuable relationship as you thought you had (but instead you were "unlucky" in that sense that you happened to meet and hook up with a narcissistic person) it will help you to get over your grief.

If you think about this for a moment, you see it is true. You are in fact grieving over something you never really had. You wanted your boyfriend to be loving, respectful and caring towards you. Instead he was cold, cruel and degrading. You wanted to have a certain kind of a relationship. You had an image of an ideal relationship in your mind, and image you had constructed during the "honeymoon period" when you believed you had met the most fantastic man on the planet. Now when you look back, you realize that this man was not capable of giving you that kind of a relationship. Instead the relationship with him brought you (along with the good things you mentioned in your other email) depression, anxiety and suffering.

(Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).

>>  CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS REPLY  <<

--------

Dear Friend, I am glad you decided to write to me. The path you are now traveling is not easy, but trust me, you will survive this, you will recover and come out stronger person than you were when you met this person.

If you constantly think about the matters related to your ex boyfriend, it will take more time for you to let mentally go of him and get rid of your addiction to him. Please read this article of Controlling Emotions to get a better idea of what I am talking about. You can significantly speed up the process of your mental recovery if you refuse to let yourself dwell in the negative memories. YOU are in control. Not your boyfriend nor anyone else. Do not let other people decide the course of your life and the level of your happiness. YOU are in control of your own brain and mind, to much greater extent that you can imagine.

Please write to me anytime you feel like it. You are not alone.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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• |2011-07-21 23:03:17 Susan  - I need to leave my narcissistic boyfriend but we h
  I have known my boyfriend since i was 14. I am 24 now. We have a little boy together. He was very nice when we first started dating. Now he lies all the time, tells me i'm the crazy one, that nobody else would want me with the way i act, he calls me names like bitch and slut. He's really sweet until he wants something like money and i don't give it to him, then he will be really mean to the point i cry and give in. He tells me i'm a bad girlfriend and that he's never been with a girl that acted like me. He tells me my parents say things about me, that nobody wants to be my friend because i'm so negative. He says he's mean because i act like a bitch. He threatens to take our son from me. He doesn't hit me but he will push me and get in my face. I really want to leave him and cut off his contact with our son because i'm afraid our son will grow up to be the same way if he sees his dad. Our son loves his dad so much though and my boyfriend will make my life hell. I can't stand the thought of him with someone else. I am a college student and i can't afford the bills on my own. I have no car so i can't get my son to daycare, so there won't be anyone to help me with him. I'm so confused now, i'm starting to believe that i'm the crazy one, that if i would just shut my mouth, he wouldn't be so mean, i feel like i'm just asking for it and that i shouldn't talk about it because i would be bitching. He's always spending his money then coming to me for more and says he will pay me back, that i'm not a good girlfriend if i don't loan him the money. He said normal couples share their money and i would but he's not responsible so i don't trust him. The other day i seen a message that he sent to his ex saying when did you get all skinny and sexy and when i asked him about it, he said with an attitude,"don't worry about it, it was my friend that wrote that" and when i asked him who, he got mad and finally told me, he said he didn't want to rat on his friend. He acted like i had no right to ask him about it. He changes his story all the time and puts word in my mouth. He will act really nice and apoligize when he thinks i'm really done with him, then when i take him back, he acts the same way again. We broke up about a year ago and he found someone else within two weeks and when i went out on dates, he would text me non stop asking me to leave the date and come see him, that he missed me. He acts really nice out in public but he's totally different at home. If i say the wrong thing out in public, he says i embarrass him. My friends tell me i used to be really outgoing and happy and goofy and now i'm always sad and stressed out. I second guess myself all the time now when i'm talking to someone, i keep thinking i said something stupid. He just broke up with me a few hours ago and acted like nothing happened, he was singing a song, and now he's back to asking me if i want to be with him. He is really emotionally draining me. I don't know what to do.
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• |2011-04-15 06:23:24 Christine  - Thank you!
  Staying Strong,
  
  Thank you for posting your story! My experience is so similar! Oh, and there were all kinds of red flags - the way he teased me, the ominous inuendos, the way he spoke to his children (I once over hear him say to his 8 year old daughter.....8 years old!....... You know I hate it when you twist my words around to suit your purposes!), he extensively belittled an old man who worked at a pro-baseball field during a game for making us wait until the current batter was finished before we could take our seats (this was at the honey moon stage - and I actually felt bad for being embarassed about it and I didn't do anything to stop his little tirade! Then he said that seniors were a drain on society. ugh). But, Man, after years of dating hell I thought I hit the jack pot when I first met him. I never felt so beautiful, sexy, smart, etc. in my life! I hate it that I felt that way at first with this man - because, for his part, it was all acting! That is one of the blows to my self esteam. While I know that you have to believe that of yourself, to hear this good looking, smart man tell you that and then find out it was part of his act has been a bit hard to recover from (not to mention his particular brand of "teasing".
  So, what I grapple with the most is how the heck I got hodwinked in to believing in this relationship. I feel that there is something inherantly wrong with me. I completely cut off contact with this guy after being yelled at one too many times and then, a couple of months later, contacted him again and asked for another chance. I got a few noncommital e-mails about finding himself and blah blabh blah but about a week later realized what a mistake that was and blocked his e-mails /facebook/phone numbers again and that's that.
  Still, it's been hard. Every once in a while I'll have a nightmare about this guy (he never hit me.....just got real vicious and explosively angry a few times - which is what I dreamed about).....and that starts the thinking all over again.
  This wasn't a long relationship - but it cut me to the core and I'm ashamed of myself for taking so long to get over this. I'm pissed that I allowed this guy to enter my life in such a way! I just want this person out of my system! It's humiliating and I want it over with. My consolation is that I will never, every speak to this man again, no matter how lonely or sad I get. I just wanted you to know that you and people like you who tell their stories helps me soooooo much. I probably should go and see a therapist - just when I think I've got it licked I have another stupid nightmare - but for the time being I get strength from people like you. I'll take it where ever I can get it - because this was one of those things that took me completely by surprise.
  
  Thanks again!
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• |2010-12-25 04:30:17 Ann  - Family matters
  JDubbs, my partner is very close with his family. My partner is 46 and his family are very open when expressing their emotions towards him. They tell him constantly that they 'love him' and he says it back.
  His father a phsycilogist and his mother a loving new wave aged kind and caring person.
  He is extremely close with sister although she lives far away and well, his family a travellers, they enjoy travelling and he believes that this is the norm.
  He is very close with family but I have discussed certain topics with them and they agree that he may have a few issues..
  Not sure what this exactly means but am beginning to think that even a phsycologist son is capable of having issues.
  Annxx
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• |2010-12-24 19:01:21 JDubbs  - all too familiar
  I feel so much better after reading all of your posts. I thought I was alone, and that it was just me. I cannot believe how similar all of our stories are, it's scary actually. I am so sorry for everyone on here who has had to deal with these men. My ex and I broke up about 9 months ago now, and up until last week he was still emailing me (he is blocked from all other forms of communication). I met up with him, for whatever reason, and was thinking that maybe he really did change and that maybe he did realize he was wrong... Not the case at all! He is still the selfish, thick-headed, ignorant person he was when we broke up. I still do not fully understand why they are the way they are, but I am trying my hardest to. It still really affects me even after all of this time, even though I am trying to acknowledge the fact that it is an actual disease.
  
  I was just wondering from anyone who has posted something on here.. How were they with their family members? I feel like my ex was really in to his family and was close with them, even though there may be a lot that I don't know. I am just asking out of curiosity.
  
  Thank you for your posts, I do not feel so alone anymore.
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• |2010-05-22 17:20:27 Lisa Brown  - finally seeing the truth
  I just broke up with my boyfriend. I had read about Narcissitic personality disorder but I didn't put it all together until this last few months with him. He would cook lunch and dinner for me almost every day. He was very attentive to me. He would literally kiss my feet when he got out of bed. But then things started happening. I sold my sportscar which he hated. I got alot of attention in it. He talked me into selling it. I cried the day I sold it and he got really mean and violent. Then another time we were at a grocery store and he was carrying the basket. He set it down and continued walking, picked it up and carried it. He went crazy. He began lecturing me about how I m never to second guess his decisions. He was so angry and mad. I told him I didn't think I could be with him anymore. then he acted as if nothing happened.
  He was having problems with our condo manager where we lived. I told him he should stop writing so many harassing letters to her. He got very angry and started yelling at me saying I was worse than her. I ended up running out of our apartment, he pushed me to the ground and I fell hard. I got up and he pushed me again. He was screaming that he was going to kill me. I ended up running down to the condo management office bleeding and missing my shoe. they called the cops. He ended up lying to the cops about everything. saying I fell, that we didn't have a relationship and that I was on medication. I ended up in the emergency room and luckily he didn't break my leg.
  I moved out and am now staying with family.
  I have been away from him for 4 days now. I have been googling his name. I have found out more things about him that I never knew.
  I am amazed about how much he lies about everything. I found out that he has a history of beating people up. This man claims to be a holy man, a Tibetan Buddhist Monk, lama, sifu
  I guess what helps the most is knowing he is sick. This was not my fault. I am so happy to out of that relationship. Even his mother and daughter lie about him. His daughter had admitted to me that something was wrong with her dad.
  these people are not capable of love at all. everything is about atention. and they are clever and turn things around on you.
  its really sad and pathetic.
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• |2010-05-16 14:41:58 Libelula  - Help me get his words out of my head
  After 20 years together, my ex broke up with me in the most hurtful spiteful way. I can't seem to get the words he said to me out of my head. They were all distorted lies and projections, but, like with all Ns, he threw in some truths too so that now I am questioning and blaming myself. I know that is what he intended. I know they project what they themselves feel but it hurt so much. I want to almost call him and either explain my view of what happened, or, tell him off. Either way, it would be a waste of time, I know. Do you have any suggestions or pointers on how to stop blaming myself and rehashing his last words to me?
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• |2010-05-12 20:40:09 Judy  - Duped by my narcissist "soulmate"
  
  
  I was in a lonely marriage, but a good life, when I met my current husband online. He was divorcing his bpd wife and we were amazed by our compatibility. I didn't see he was a chameleon but should have wondered why he only wanted to write, never talk on phone. We got together and were engaged quickly after my divorce, and then married. I'd noticed him becoming more and more selfish, and not listening to advice about his troubled children and ex, and his dysfunctional relationship with his mother. Before I knew it, I'd given up everything of my happy life and moved into his life in another state. He and his kids and ex and mother were his life, next to his job and looking for outside attention for his talents. Too late, I noticed he had NO EMPATHY and had a breakdown during a horrible time. He sent me to therapy and I'm trying to leave him, as my doc suggested. He is working on things but I can't see hope with a person who has no empathy and lives a life of double standards and entitlement. His kids, ex, and mother are monsters and he sics them on the world. I wish I could leave easily.
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• |2010-05-13 19:17:22 staying strong78
  Judy,
  
  I am so sorry for what you are going through. Every woman deserves a man that treats her as a priority and is capable of empathy. You are so right when you say that you can't see hope with a life with someone with no empathy. I am happy you are in therapy and hope things work out for you. You are in my thoughts and I am sending positive vibes and strength your way
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• |2010-05-11 14:05:05 delia  - So True
  I thought; while i was reading your story of your boyfriend, it was me who wrote it... I have gone through all those same things with my narcassistic (ex) boyfriend. He lied and cheated (as i had that exact same gut feeling you did, that there was another woman) Instead he insisted I was crazy; told me to see a councilor. After he used me entirely, and left me with near no money... (i was subjected to pay for things, he wouldn't) In the end, he spit me out like a piece of old chewing gum...as I was clinging to him; miserably..
  Thank you for your story..
  I will read it over and over again..
  I am hurting from this breakup miserably..
  But realizing all these red flags and abuse.
  
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• |2010-05-13 19:22:36 staying strong78
  Delia,
  
  So sorry that you went through this. I know how difficult and confusing it all is. We love so much and then, like you say, are spit out like a piece of chewing gum. It's heartwrenching. It does get better as you start to realize this person is not the great person you had thought them to be. Any man that abuses (emotionally or in any way) is not a prize. I spent alot of time reading about emotional abuse/narcissism and found it very validating and helpful. i am glad that sharing my story helped you. Are you in therapy? these jerks really do a number on our heads and I really think anyone that has dealt wiht this type of personality should seek professional help with the aftermath the craziness. I found it helpful anyways.
  
  Wishing you all the best
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• |2010-05-11 10:38:59 Peety
  Highly recommend you google : geting past your past.
  
  This site will get you through eventually.
  
  Right now you need to cut off all ties. No contact is the golden rule. Healing will only happen once you've done this. I know where you're head is at right now and talking from experience you need to close this chapter if you wantto get ahead. Trust me
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• |2010-05-11 06:38:30 Paula
  thank you for your words of hope =)
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