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Here is my story. When I met him I thought he was charming, funny, attentive, genuine, sweet etc. He wanted to see me regularly and asked me things about myself. He was complimentary and reliable with making and keeping plans, calling frequently. We seemed to enjoy each others company/common interests, laughing etc.. The first “gut” feelings I started having were in relation to how he spoke of his childhood. He stated he felt insecure that he came from a “broken” home and that his mother was an alcoholic. He stated he was kicked out by his mother and lived with his dad. Stated that he thought no one loved him. He wouldn’t elaborate on why he was kicked out….he did refer to having a “blackout” at some point. I ignored my gut feelings and figured, everyone has past hurts and that I shouldn’t judge on that. He seemed nice, but just had some insecurities/past hurts. Over the next months, we went on some camping trips and enjoyed this. We laughed a lot, teased each other often.
In the beginning of our relationship, he seemed to praise that I am a nurse. Later though, I found myself subjected to comments that degraded my job. He stated he was “just joking”. On one occasion he made these degrading comments when we were out with my friends. I have a degree and I felt very offended by his comments. I expressed my unease to him regarding these comments. He would apologize at the time, but it didn’t change. The comments just became more subtle. I had shared with him that I am slightly insecure about a scar I have on my cheek. One night when we were with friends, 2 work guys came and said hi to me. Immediately after, my boyfriend pointed out my scar to me and said he could really notice it in the light. My stomach sank but I pretended I wasn’t bothered because I knew he was trying to make me feel bad. Over time, I noticed that his outlook on life seemed more negative than what I originally thought. He expressed a dissatisfaction with his job. Stated that he often felt that he was in the wrong profession. He would spend a fair amount of time talking about himself and his stresses. He was not as interested in hearing about me or my day anymore. Seemed less interested in me…. less affectionate….. but then would be nice again. …hot/cold. After several months of dating, he broke it off with me. It happened after I had gone out for Halloween with a friend. I could tell he seemed “annoyed” I was going out and he expressed how he hated Halloween…. stated it was an excuse for women to dress like “sluts”. I had called him that night and invited him to join me, but he ignored my call. The following day he told me that he didn’t think that we had “spark” etc. He cried and went into his childhood problems again and stated he didn’t know if he was falling in love with me. I was devastated. Although I could sense a change in him, I couldn’t understand how someone that had me on a pedestal for some time, could just throw me away.  Two days following, he called me. Stated that he made a mistake. Said he got scared and was worried I was out seeking other men. It didn’t make sense to me as I had never stood him up, ignored a call from him, or did anything to make him feel untrusting. I decided to give him another chance. We got back together. Within a few weeks, he became cold/distant again. I tried to discuss it with him but he denied anything was wrong. He would warm up a bit, then get cool again. I was getting tired of this and started getting a bit cold towards him. He then broke up with me again, stating that I gave him the cold shoulder when we were out (which I did). Stated he never wanted to feel that again.
I found out that within days of us breaking up, he had moved on. I was shocked and felt betrayed because it was obvious that he had been interacting with this girl while still with me. She was someone he knew through co workers. Fast forward. One year later I saw him on facebook through a mutual friend. I sent him a quick email. He responded and later asked to get together. We were back together soon after that. These are the things that happened in our last year inbetween good times: -Again, initially very attentive, caring etc. -Still insecure. I went to Mexico with a friend ( had it planned before getting back together). He told me several times through email how it was so difficult for him that I was there. Jealous/worried I would hook up etc.
-The comments on my job started again. Referring to my classes as “little”, comments on how many days off I get ( I work 12 hour shifts).
-Subtle insults- if a guy hit on me he would say “they hit on everything”. I was flattered to get I’d, and he said “they did it to make you feel better”. comments that were so subtle but still insulting. Not daily, but frequent enough.
-Called very frequently (which I always took as being sweet). Questioned my whereabouts if I was taking too long in bathroom at a pub, or outside for a smoke too long, if I was taking longer to drive to his house than he thought etc.
-We were both drinking and were having an argument at his house. He wanted to go to bed but I was still upset, crying, and kept wanting to talk. I do realize that I should have just quit and left it until the next day. Anyways, the more I cried the more upset he got. He told me to get out. I wouldn’t just leave. He became infuriated. Face red, spit coming out of his mouth. He told me I was “like his mother” and then started saying things that didn’t make sense ie) he said when he calls his mother she doesn’t call back right away and then he said that I do the same thing….. which wasn’t true and didn’t make sense. Anyways, it scared me as I had never seen him that mad before. I put my hand on his shoulder in attempt to calm him. He pushed me and then called the police. I was not threatening to him in anyway… wasn’t yelling… just crying. When they arrived, he was calm and hugged me when we left. The next day I felt so guilty and apologized profusely for not leaving when he asked me to.
-I went off antidepressants as didn‘t feel I still needed them (after consulting physician). My boyfriend admitted to knowing little about depression but was keen for me to go off medications. Stating he didn’t believe in them. I had a really bad night one evening (withdrawing off antidepressant) and called him. He told me he was going to a work party. After thinking about it, I felt a bit slighted that he wanted me to get off the antidepressants, but wasn’t there for me when it got tough. He did call later that night and I told him this. He said“ are you telling me this is my fault?” then I felt guilty.
-My grandpa had to have radiation for 6 weeks. I am very close to my grandpa and was upset for him. I went to see him for a few days as he was in a city where our family doesn’t live and was alone. I asked my boyfriend if he would consider going with me and it was a no right away. That was the only time I ever flat out asked him for anything.
 -He invited me to a work party. I wasn’t sure where exactly to go and couldn’t get a hold of him. He ignored several of my calls. I showed up, not knowing anyone amongst 100 people and went looking for him. Found him shortly but was embarrassed. I casually said (privately) it would have been nice if he could have met me at the door. This turned into him yelling at me saying that something else must be wrong with me, he has had a hard week and I wouldn’t know because I get so many days off, and that I have a lot to learn about being independent as he just bought a house (I have owned mine for 4 years lol). Anyways, he went of topic, not making sense, and by the end I was crying and apologizing.
-I did several favours for him when he moved (cleaned, helped with renos etc.) Spent HOURS on his stuff. He went away and wanted me to check in on his house. I said I would but I ended up having my own issues (car problems) to deal with. He was mad. Stated that if he would have known he couldn’t count on me he would have asked someone else and then threw in my face one favour he had done for me. I defended myself, but then felt guilty again, cried ( which made him more mad) and then I was apologizing again. He did give a quick apology later, but didn’t want to talk about it.
-Frequently moody. ALWAYS stressed with his work. Complaining things aren’t done right etc. I was ALWAYS listening and being supportive/encouraging etc. but he was bored with my stuff or would forget things I just finished saying etc.
- He would have an “issue” to talk to me about when I was busy or dealing with family/friends etc.
- He has one female friend and one male buddy.
- Not close with his family.
- He would make a point of telling me how much my gifts were or flowers he bought me, and he wasn’t overly thrilled with gifts I gave him. In face he pointed out a flaw on one of them.
- Very arrogant nature. My family and friends noticed this. Cold attitude towards service staff. Frequently complaining about people. - If I initiated sex, I was frequently shutdown. Ie) he told me he likes lingerie so I bought some and it was…. unsuccessful. He complimented me on how I looked but said he just didn’t have a sex drive lately. He did seem embarrassed so I figured it was ok… happens sometimes. When he initiated things, it was fine.
- I have seen him get red faced mad a few other times over trivial things, but then quickly calm.
- When we were with my family for a day, he not once asked my grandpa ( who just finished radiation) how he was feeling. He just kept talking about himself. - My mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks and he didn’t go visit her with me once. He never asked her how she was feeling when he saw her either. - We did not drink often. Of all the occassions that we did, half of them ended in disagreements. Usually over me feeling he wasn’t really committed to our relationship or putting effort in. I tried communicating in private and when we weren’t drinking but he wouldn’t communicate and then if I had a few drinks and my inhibitions were down, I’d mention things. Then I was blamed for fighting when we were out. - One day he would talk about the future as if I was in it, then the next time it would just be him.
- Always talking about himself. Likes to be centre of attention, or seems bored.
- After about 10 or 11 months, I started getting a gut feeling that he was interested in someone else. He took his cell phone into the shower with him one night. Following that, he would leave his phone out and I checked it once (which I have NEVER done before). His inbox/outbox texts were deleted/empty. I thought that was weird but didn’t pursue anything. Thought I was being paranoid. He was frequently more cool with me, but then would have warm periods. I didn’t ask him if he was cheating, I did ask if he was having issues with our relationship. I had been down the break up road with him twice before and could see the familiarity with his actions. He said things were fine. Said it was his work. He said I needed to get a grip as I asked him this twice now.
- I would get the vibe he was annoyed that I called him. He was grumpy and short with me several times. So I would back off. Then he called several times later wondering why he hadn’t heard from me.
 - We went to his Christmas party. I felt very uneasy as he had been hot/cold. I did my best to seem happy. I interacted with others there, participated in conversation, joked, etc. He kept asking me if anything was wrong. He would ask quietly, but in front of people. I said I was fine and carried on. Even though I felt off, I wasn’t going to argue at his party. At the end of the night, he was angry. We left and when in his car he said he didn’t want me going on his company ski trip because of the way I am when we go out. I was so upset as I didn’t do anything horrible. It went downhill from there. I was angry that this was happening again (his coldness). I told him I thought maybe he was cheating or something because something wasn’t right. He basically broke up with me in his car when dropping me off. I lost it. I had been drinking, I was emotional. I got out of his car and went to my door but then went back to his car wanting to talk….I panicked and was emotional. He was grabbing me to get out then he phoned the police on me again, I was humiliated.
- We spoke the next day and he basically told me that he thought he was going to get violent and he couldn’t allow that as he could seriously hurt me and lose his job. He had to protect his lisence. He told me that “No woman has ever made him feel violent before ”.
- He brought my stuff over and when he left he said “I’m sorry”. I told him to not be sorry as he was doing me a favour. I told him I was tired of being blamed for everything wrong and that I have given him my best and nothing is good enough. I told him this wasn’t going anywhere, there was no future talk and I needed to move on with my life too. He completely looked shocked and then proceeded to phone me 3 times over the next several hours. Saying, “sounds like you pretty much broke up with me too”. Crying saying that he had a bad childhood etc and work had been really stressing him out and that he wasn’t seeing any other woman and that he did appreciate me and that he was thinking of moving in with me next year etc. One time admitting to having one foot out of the relationship then later saying he was in it all the way…. contradicting himself. Saying sorry he hurt me etc. ……as soon as I started lightning up a bit and sounding like I still wanted to work on things he stopped crying and was more distant again. Felt like it was ok for him to want to end things, but he didn’t want me to agree. I got the feeling he wanted me to feel hurt over him. I haven’t heard from him nor have I contacted him since. That’s my story…. Condensed as I could, sorry. Still trying to make sense and stop blaming myself and recover. I have seen a councellor and she directed me to search narcissism. Thanks for taking the time to read. Any advice/insight would be appreciated greatly. __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for your email. I am so happy to hear that you are no longer together with this man who clearly has strong narcissistic tendencies. There are so many elements in your story that without a doubt prove this man could never have made you happy. Had you stayed with him, he only would have made you slowly more and more depressed. I am so happy for you that you are now out of the circle of his influence, in a peaceful place where you can start your healing process. To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.  I am also glad to hear you are seeing a counsellor. A professional can greatly speed up your recovery. You did the right thing by deciding to go to see a counsellor. After experiencing the mental stress you went through with your narcissistic ex it is such a relief to be able to share your feelings with a professional who understands you, does not think you are "crazy" or that the fault was in you, but realizes that you were a victim of an abusive person. It takes long time to get over abuse. In some ways mental abuse (frequent degrading comments, rage attacks, unexpected abandonment, general unreliability, coldness etc other things you described in your email) can be even worse than physical abuse, if the abuse continues for a long time, as it did in your case.
Depression develops slowly and often without the clear "warning signs", until the condition is already relatively advanced. It is possible that the mental abuse you have experienced in your relationship has made you depressed. I am sure you have discussed these matters with your counsellor and you have gotten good advices as to what to do regarding this possibility. Dear Friend, please remember that what you are now going through is a normal consequence after experiencing abusive relationship. Anyone would feel the same way as you do now, had they experienced what you have experienced. If you did not feel depressed and sad over what has happened to you, you would be a person without emotions, in other words a psychopath. Your pain proves that you are a warm human being, capable of experiencing normal emotions, a caring person who could not treat another human being the way your narcissistic ex boyfriend treated you. Below I will give you my feedback regarding your letter, aiming to help you to keep your spirits high, to perhaps see the situation from a bit different point of view and to help you to recover faster and move on, leaving this dark period in your life behind. A narcissist is often trying to stay in control by putting the other person mentally down
The way you described your boyfriend made remarks about your scar after some men gave you compliments is simply cruel and heartless behavior. Unfortunately that kind of a remark in that kind of a situation is very typical for a narcissistic person. When your boyfriend saw other men were showing interest towards you, instead of being proud and happy of being your partner your boyfriend immediately proceeded to put you mentally down. If you read other stories on this website, you will see this is a very common strategy for a narcissist. Your boyfriend wanted to make you feel you are "lucky" to be with him, because "who else would want a woman with a scar like that". This was his strategy to prevent you from seeing the true state of your relationship and to take your focus away from the fact that you could actually do so much better than to be with a man like him. Deep inside your boyfriend must have realized he was misbehaving towards you, and he knew that there was a real risk that you would leave him. If you did that, it would have been a huge blow to his ego and so he did everything he could to break your spirit and weaken your self-esteem so that you would remain by his side. His degrading comments regarding your profession served the same selfish purpose. Dear Friend, do not mistake this behavior for love. Your boyfriend did not want to keep you by his side this strongly because he loved you. He wanted to keep you (or more correctly, he did not want YOU to leave HIM) because he did not want to "fail". This is very typical for a person with very low self-esteem: They constantly need external "proof" and reassurance that they are not being "weak". For your boyfriend it was all about HIM and the image of himself that he wanted to maintain in his own eyes as well as in the eyes of the world.  You wrote "I pretended I wasn’t bothered because I knew he was trying to make me feel bad" when your boyfriend made remarks about your scar. Dear Friend, you do not have to tolerate this kind of behavior in your relationship. The people we love do not want to harm us or hurt us. The love of a parent towards a child is very pure. Does a parent show his or her love by deliberately making the child feel bad? Imagine a smiling child who just received a compliment from someone. Can you imagine a parent saying to child "they only said that to make you feel good" etc? Why should a spouse be any different in this regard. As I said, if your boyfriend truly loved you, he would not have behaved that way towards you. Your happiness would have been his priority. But because your ex boyfriend is a very self-centered person, he was incapable of thinking other person's feelings.
Dear Friend, do not believe for a moment that your scar is making you look unpleasant. The fact that your boyfriend wanted to make you feel like that, is actually working against him. It is a proof that you are actually a very attractive woman. Otherwise he would not have the need to try to make you feel the opposite. On the other hand the fact that your ex boyfriend obviously liked to view himself as a successful, flawless person makes it very unlikely that he would have been with you if you did not "fit" to this image. A "successful, flawless man" needs a beautiful, loyal and smart woman by his side... So much for his degrading comments regarding your profession. If you truly were so insignificant in his eyes, he would not have been with you in a first place. Deep in his mind your ex boyfriend knew your true value and it was frightening to him, because he knew that the moment when the "rose-red glasses" dropped from your eyes and you realized how badly he was treating you, you would most likely leave him. You wrote: "as soon as I started lightning up a bit and sounding like I still wanted to work on things he stopped crying and was more distant again. Felt like it was ok for him to want to end things, but he didn’t want me to agree. I got the feeling he wanted me to feel hurt over him". You are correct in your analysis. For your ex boyfriend, it was all about control and his self-image. HE needed to be the one who decided what would happen. Immediately when your ex boyfriend felt that he lost that "advantage", he started crying, telling about his bad childhood etc, hoping to get a reaction from you. As soon as he got it, it made him feel better about himself and he again became cold toward you. In a certain way, for him it was all just a game. All that mattered was his own good feeling, and if you got hurt in a process, he did not care about that. His rude talk about your scar, degrading comments about your job, the way he wanted to leave you behind as a hurt woman and many other things you mention in your email are indicators of his extreme selfishness and ignorance towards your feelings. Breaking mentally free from a narcissist - Letting go of the false image
Dear Friend, I know how hard it is to let go of a narcissistic partner. I know how much you miss your ex boyfriend and how badly you wish you could still be with him. How you wish you could somehow change the past, change him and change your relationship. But when you think about those things, you will see that your ex boyfriend was never really the kind of a person you wanted him to be. When you understand that you never really had as valuable relationship as you thought you had (but instead you were "unlucky" in that sense that you happened to meet and hook up with a narcissistic person) it will help you to get over your grief. If you think about this for a moment, you see it is true. You are in fact grieving over something you never really had. You wanted your boyfriend to be loving, respectful and caring towards you. Instead he was cold, cruel and degrading. You wanted to have a certain kind of a relationship. You had an image of an ideal relationship in your mind, and image you had constructed during the "honeymoon period" when you believed you had met the most fantastic man on the planet. Now when you look back, you realize that this man was not capable of giving you that kind of a relationship. Instead the relationship with him brought you (along with the good things you mentioned in your other email) depression, anxiety and suffering.  When you put yourself as an outsider, you realize that you do not really want that kind of a life. The good times you had with this man are not worth sacrificing your long-term happiness and mental health. Your boyfriend cannot compensate his bad behavior by behaving well in other times. Every human being needs and deserves to be respected in his or her relationship. Your boyfriend was clearly not respecting you. One day you can look into mirror and smile because this person is now out of your life and can no longer make you feel bad. Dear Friend, I know it is easy to say these things as an outsider. But please be aware that I have been through exactly what you have been through. I know the pain you are feeling right now. I have felt it myself. And this is why I wish you trust me when I tell you that there WILL be light on the other side. You might feel at this moment that your life will be forever colorless and empty without your ex boyfriend. This is not true. You create that grim image of the empty future without him in your own mind. You have the power to influence the way your mind works. You can "teach" yourself to think in a more positive way, instead of dwelling in painful memories and thoughts. This kind of a "mental evolution" is a natural process that takes place after every separation. At first we think about the person we have lost constantly, which is keeping the memories present in our everyday life, making it difficult or impossible for us to move on. After some time has passed, other things start to occupy our mind and as a results, the neuronal networks related to the person we have lost are no longer constantly active. As a result of this, little by little the mental pain ceases and we are eventually able to move on and resume our life and happiness. If you constantly think about the matters related to your ex boyfriend, it will take more time for you to let mentally go of him and get rid of your addiction to him. Please read this article of Controlling Emotions to get a better idea of what I am talking about. You can significantly speed up the process of your mental recovery if you refuse to let yourself dwell in the negative memories. YOU are in control. Not your boyfriend nor anyone else. Do not let other people decide the course of your life and the level of your happiness. YOU are in control of your own brain and mind, to much greater extent that you can imagine. Dear Friend, I am glad you decided to write to me. The path you are now traveling is not easy, but trust me, you will survive this, you will recover and come out stronger person than you were when you met this person. Please write to me anytime you feel like it. You are not alone. Warm hug, Maria If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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Stories - Narcissism 
It's crazy what these guys do to our heads. No contact brings so much clarity. I wish you well with your recovery
Thank you so much for your response. It is so validating. There has been this self doubt within me where I was feeling like I did something to cause him to be the way he was.....that maybe he could be happy with someone else.
I have been told by my therapist that he's narcissistic.....it's just been such a hard thing to grasp....to accept that he did not love me....that our time together was meaningless. I guess it was easier to blame myself than accept he didn't love me.
I have spoken with my therapist about depression and have been on antidepressants for a few weeks now. I do feel improved and know that this improvement will continue with more time.
Your response has brightened my outlook. To have people that understand the craziness of associating with these people is so reassuring. Thank you so much for pointing out that I am not crazy or to blame. I appreciate your words so much!