Maria,

Thank you for your site.  My wife recently cheated on me.  While it never became a physical relationship, she had met a guy online and had been talking to him on the phone everyday for a few months.  Then there was text messages and pictures sent back a north and lastly some videos were exchanged.  I also found after searching here browser history that she had looked at hotels.  They had talked about meeting and had picked a tentative date but she called it off. 

Once confronted she explained what had happened and why.  She told me all about how it was just nice to feel wanted, have someone compliment her, listen to her when she talked.  She told me about how horrible the last few years have been, how depressed she has been, how terrible all the things I have said to her were and all the awful things I have done.  While I did believe her and start to see I had been awful it wasn't until I came across your site while looking for a way to move past this that I realized the true extent of my problems.  Reading all of these women's stories I see so many things now that mirror my behavior in their husbands.   I honestly always thought I was a bit of a jackass but I guess I never honestly realized how truly awful and hurtful my behavior was.   I look back now and see how my behavior in every relationship I have ever had fits perfectly along with all these stories.  My level of arrogance and condescension was well beyond any level of acceptable social behavior.  How I destroyed not only all of these relationships but also the other person in them.  Then I would go on to  tell everyone else how crazy the girl was and how it was her fault things ended.  I truly feel like some sort of monster right now.  I now realize how terrible of a person I really am.  I really thought I just had some major anger control problems and thought nothing of all the other things I did.

I thank you for your site and allowing me to finally see a problem that I have had for a long time.  It was truly eye opening and saddening at the same time.  I do wish there was more information available on any possible method of treatment.  Obviously I assume most people don't seek treatment as the nature of the disease is not one likely to lend itself to self realization.  Honestly I think the only reason I was even able to see this was a mixture of a perfect storm.  For many many years I have kept all my emotion in tight control (except anger)  I never allowed anything to bother me.  I could say the most awful things in the world to someone and nothing they said would ever bother me.  Lately I have been taking some medication for depression and that tight control has disappeared for the most part.  I honestly do not know where to go from here and fear that this is but a passing moment of clarity before the cycle continues on its way and I resume my destructive behavior.   While I do understand why there is very little information available on the internet for a person who actually wants to deal with their problems.  Most of it is either vilifying them or offering help for the people living with them.  I was wondering if you knew of any available resources?  I do plan on making an appointment with a counselor this week the more informed I can get the better i feel my chances of overcoming this and rebuilding my life will be.

Dear Friend, 

Thank you for your letter. I appreciate you decided to share your story, it is extremely helpful for the people who visit this website to hear the views from the "other side". It will help you to feel better when you know that something good eventually resulted from the things you have done in your past relationships. Dear Friend, I do not want to refer to you as a narcissistic person without knowing you personally. It is not my place to make a "diagnosis" like that. The most important thing is how YOU feel about the matter. You said that you have been reading the stories on this website and feel you recognize yourself in them. You also said you feel like some sort of a "monster" now. Dear Friend, please try not to look back, instead look into future. The most important thing is that you have made the decision to start to improve your behavior so that people around you would not be hurt due to your actions. That is the MOST IMPORTANT THING.

What happened in the past is forever beyond our reach, we cannot change the things that have happened, but we CAN change the future. I am so glad to hear that this website has helped you to make the decision to try your best to change! I know it required lots courage to write your letter and to admit the mistakes you have made in your past. I want to tell you that I really appreciate it and respect you for it. You have done a thing that most people with "arrogant" (according to your words) personalities can never do.

Most of the people who are behaving in a rude way towards the people close to them will live all their lives following same patterns, leading them often to fail in their relationships. Many of these people eventually die lonely and bitter, blaming others of the failures in their lives until the end. Dear Friend, I am so happy to read your letter, because it gives me a strong feeling that you are not going to be one of there people!

We control our own destiny. I strongly believe that if one wants, one CAN change. The problem with narcissists often is that they do not perceive themselves as the source of the problems, and so they do not genuinely believe they should change themselves, hence failing to do so. Instead they silence their conscience by telling themselves the fault is in someone else rather than in them. This way the integrity of the image of themselves that they have created in their mind will not be jeopardized. In a way it is a self-protection mechanism, protecting the vulnerable, insecure inner world of a narcissist. 

There is, however, a moment when it is possible for a narcissist to see his or her behavior in a clear light, without being blinded by the mental barriers his or her own mind has created. This moment is when a narcissist has faced a complete "failure" in some form, for example lost his face, lost the relationship or job, humiliated himself or herself irreversably (in his or her own eyes), etc dramatic like that has happened. You wrote: "Honestly I think the only reason I was even able to see this was a mixture of a perfect storm". This is exactly what I am talking about.

Often a narcissist is trying to survive this kind of a mental trauma by using the old tricks, namely blaming someone else. However, narcissists are not stupid people. In fact they are often very smart. If a moment comes when a narcissist absolutely cannot blame anyone else for what happened and is in a vulnerable state of mind, when all the available evidence is pointing to the fact that it was a NARCISSIST who brought the misery on himself and there is no way a narcissist can rationalize the situation so that someone else was to blame, a narcissist experiences an "emotional break-down". This is the moment (often the only moment) when it is possible to make a narcissist see some faults in him or her.

If a narcissist is willing to go to therapy, this is the time-window during which counselling might actually help a narcissistic person to improve his or her behavior. This moment of "mental collapse" is the moment when a narcissist is, often for the first time, realizing the consequences of his or her actions, and since narcissists are human beings like the rest of us, they are suffering when they realize the extent of the damage they have caused not only to themselves but also to people around them who love them. A narcissist is not a psychopath (a person who is incapable of experiencing normal emotions) and seeing the reality (the extent of the coldness and cruelty of one's behavior) for the first time as an "outsider" can be very painful experience.  

It is good to keep in mind that this time-window during which it is possible to get through to a narcissist is very short. If a narcissist does not take the necessary steps to start to improve himself or herself by for example starting therapy, the time-window gets closed and a narcissist resumes his or her old habits. After experiencing the mental break-down a narcissist is starting to rebuild the image of himself or herself, using the only tools he or she knows, namely building a mental barrier around his or her mind and blaming others, refusing to face responsibility of his or her actions, behaving in a rude way (to protect the fragile core of his or her mind) etc.

This is why it is very important not to let the moment pass, if this "window of opportunity" opens and a narcissist is in a receptive state of mind. It has been shown that if a narcissist for example starts therapy during this time-window when a narcissist is mentally exposed and responsive, a narcissist can significantly improve his or her future behavior. Outside this time-window such changes in the behavior of narcissists are very rare. 

Dear Friend, I do not know if you are a "true" narcissist or not, as I said it is not my place to be the judge of that. However as I said that is not important. The most important thing is that you feel you have not been behaving in a best possible way towards the people who have been close to you and who love you. Based on your letter you seem like a very smart man and I believe your insight serves you well in this matter: If you believe you have not been behaving well toward your beloved ones, you are probably right. The most important thing is that you now have found the will to change. Hold on to that feeling, do not let it go! Observe yourself and if you notice you start to resume your old habits, return to this website and read again your own letter. That will help you to stay strong.

I am also very happy to hear you have decided to start therapy. I strongly believe it will greatly benefit you. Regarding the resources and material related to the healing process when a person wants to change his or her negative habits, your counsellor is the best person to point you to the right resources that he or she feels will benefit you the most. It takes courage to start the process of changing oneself. Dear Friend, you can be proud of yourself with a good reason. You are doing the right thing. My thoughts are with you.  

Again let me thank you for sending your letter. You have done what so many of the visitors of this website wish their spouse could do or could have done. You have recognized that there is a problem and you have a strong will to change. That is something most people who are in an unsatisfying relationship wish for, but only rarely their wish is granted. I believe that when your wife realizes you are truly sorry for the things you have said and done and that you understand why she reverted to emotional affair with a person online, she will be very happy.

You wrote that your wife made plans to meet with this person she met online, but then changed her mind. I believe your wife did that because she truly loves you. This affair was her way of trying to deal with her depression and sadness due to problems in your relationship. Even though you are not mentioning this in your letter, I believe your wife had tried to make you understand her feelings earlier but if she felt you did not understand her and the problems continued, she got more depressed and was trying to find a way to deal with her pain. Her emotional affair was like a medication to treat her wounded mind, not a proof that she does not love you. As I said, I really believe she does.

Dear Friend, you have read the stories on this website written by women who are in a relationship with a narcissistic man. Imagine if those women one day woke up and their spouse truly had changed. Imagine the happiness and thrill those women would feel. You are now in a position to give your wife that thrilling feeling that she has found her husband again and that the husband truly loves her and wants the relationship to work. That is all she has ever wanted. For her it is enough that you promise you will try your best. As I said, I believe your wife truly loves you, otherwise she would have left you long time ago. Now you have a chance to turn your relationship into that great place you both have been dreaming of! I wish you best of luck from all my heart. Please feel free to write to me and let me know how you are doing. I wish to help you any way I can. Please do not hesitate to write. You are not alone. 

It is fascinating to think that we can alter our own thought processes by using relatively simple methods and mental exercises. Dear Reader, if you wish to read more about these issues and learn ways to influence the way your mind is working and how to suppress the mental pain caused by your narcissistic spouse, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.  

Warm thoughts,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it  

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