Hello Maria,

I just wanted to write to tell you how much your website has helped me come to terms with my recent separation from a woman whom I feel suffers from NPD. Reading the stories that have been posted and comparing them to my own situation has greatly numbed my pain and helped me move on with my life. I also wanted to get some of your insight on my situation and some questions that have been running through my mind over the last couple months.  So here it goes:

I think I should start this off by giving you a brief history of myself in order to paint a clear picture for you. Several years ago I was in a relationship with a woman that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We had a great relationship and I truly felt that I she was my best friend. After couple years, when I was so happy and beginning to think about proposing marriage, we woke together as we always did, ate breakfast then  she gave me a kiss on her way out the door on her way to work (as she always did), that night she did not return home. I have talked to her a total of 15 minutes since that has happened to settle some housing issues  I later heard that she had decided to leave me to enter another relationship with another woman. I guess there were some questions in her mind that needed to be answered before she could fully give herself to someone, which I totally understand.

I was completely devastated. After a few months of wallowing in self pity, and slipping into major depression, I decided that it was time to move on with my life and become the best person that I possibly could. Over the next few years I did everything that I could to improve myself. I changed my diet, work out 5+ times a week, and picked up several new hobbies. The end result was amazing, I felt better than I ever had, I had great friends and I just felt great about myself. I knew that I had made myself stronger than I had ever been and I was finally healed enough to go out and take another hack at dating women. This is where my story with a woman whom I feel had NPD begins.

About a year ago, I was out at the bar and I met a woman whom I used to see at my gym from time to time.  She was definitely very attractive and seemed to be very into me. She even asked me to take her home with me from the bar. Knowing that she had been drinking I politely declined, hailed her a cab and sent her home. The next day I gave her a call to ask her out to dinner and the rest is history, after a few weeks of dating she asked me to be exclusive to which I agreed.

To that point everything was going great. I was beginning to feel as if I was going to fall in love again and it felt really good. From that point it was pretty much a constant tailspin until several months later when I couldn’t take it anymore and we mutually split. In the following I am going to name a few instances in which I feel as though I was dating a person with NPD and ask a few questions that hopefully you can help me with.

The first time that I had ever began to realize that the woman that I was dating may have been suffering from NPD was the first night we met and she asked me to go home with her. I later heard from several people that new her that she was rather promiscuous. Probably should have deterred me there but I really liked her and did not want to judge. Then a few weeks into dating we were just talking after we had finished watching a movie and she felt the need to tell me that she always gets she wants especially with men. She also stated that if anyone ever does anything bad to her she repays them 10 fold, and that she had cheated on boyfriends in the past but she would not do that anymore.  I expressed to her that was a little scary to me and she said that I made her better and want to change. 

Then a few weeks later, the day that we decided to be exclusive to be exact. We were at the bar having a few cocktails. I went inside to go get us a round of drinks. Right when I came back with the drinks I found her making out with another woman (she had known my history and new that I was uneasy with these situations). She said that this had never happened to her before and that she did not know what was getting into her. I let it go and we moved on with our relationship.

Over the next couple of months I did not really notice anything to controlling going on though it definitely was. She would always put me down and I would just move away and not say anything. She would then tell me to “Stop being so sensitive” and “forget that it happened” which I usually would and go right back into her arms. That actually happened rather frequently and it started to get to the point where I would stand up for myself. It would make me so mad that I would raise my voice, to which she would say “why do you have to raise your voice and start fights all the time”.  She again would turn it around to make me feel as though I was a bad person.

The craziest thing about all this is that the insults would usually come out of nowhere when we were having a great time. One time we were relaxing in some hot springs in the middle of a beautiful night. We saw the big dipper and I started to tell her some things that I knew about the constellation. She proceeded to tell me how I act like I know so much and that I shouldn’t talk so much. Then again when I turned silent she would tell me to stop being so sensitive.  

One of the final straws came when we were at one of my class reunions. There were many people there whom I had not seen for years, so we had a lot of catching up to do. In the middle of one of our conversations she bolted in and said “Why are you trying to sound so important? You and all that you are is a **** from ****”. If that wasn’t bad enough later that night at the bar she said that she was “Sick of your show” and that we needed to leave right now. That was sort of the beginning of the end. At that point I gave up caring. Another thing that she would do is every time that something happened she would go to her sister whom would jump on her back and tell her what a bad person I was. When I later asked her why she would do something like that she said that she didn’t do that and she was just doing that to get under my skin, though I believe she was lying when she said that as well. She also always spoke of her hatred for her father and that a woman can do everything that a man can do. There are so many more of these instances that I could tell about but I think that you get my point.

Couple months later we decided that we should split, I could not fake my emotions with her anymore and just wanted to be out. I felt great though I had a sense of loss not having her in my life. She really wanted to try and be friends afterward but it was just not working for me. Every time that I saw her I had so many things that I wanted to say to her and ask her why she did these things. She told me that she doesn’t know what it was but that she was a great girlfriend and I just brought it out of her to not be a good person. That I was selfish and could not be with someone like that.

I soon stopped talking to her. Soon after she started texting me to come over and hang out (when she was intoxicated of course), and when I said no it would crush her. I soon found out that a couple of weeks after we broke up, maybe even less she had gotten a new boyfriend though she was still trying to mess with me. I am not going to lie, when I found out that she had a boyfriend I was a little shocked and it drove me to think about her again (I know I should not have). When she confronted me about meeting up with her one night, I started to ask her about us getting back together. She stated that nobody could change that fast and that she had a new boyfriend, whom she had to give a chance.

I told her that we had better not talk anymore as my emotions were not in the right order to deal with her just yet. Low and behold a week later we are at the gym and she goes way out of her way to come over and talk to me. She acted as if nothing had happened! It was there that I told her that we shouldn’t talk anymore and that if she did come out of her way to talk to me I would show her new boyfriend all of the text messages that she had sent me. She has been respectful ever since. That was about a month ago.

Since then I have been in a lot of turmoil. I have been thinking a lot. Is it possible that it was me in particular that was making her feel that way? I began to second guess that I was completely cured from my first break up and put most of the blame on myself. She told me so much that I was selfish that I felt I may have been the Narcissist. Could I have made it work out with her? Will she ever be happy? What are the chances that she is treating her new boyfriend that way? I can hardly remember a good time with her over the last several months yet I still doubt myself and miss her. Any insight that you can give me would be greatly appreciated. I’m sorry if I rambled, there is so much more that I could have added but I feel that I got my point across. Keep doing what you are doing on this site, and I look forward to hearing back from you! 

Thanks.

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. First of all let me say how sorry I am to hear what you have been through during last several years. The way your first girlfriend decided to end the relationship is hardly a respectful one, in fact it is very rude. No wonder you felt hurt after being treated like that. After sharing years together one deserves at list a face-to-face explanation why the relationship did not work. To simply walk out the door and disappear is not an adult way to behave, that goes without saying. Anyone would have become depressed and hurt after that kind of an unexpected behavior.

Regarding your second relationship, you were wondering whether you were the one to blame for the problems. You were wondering in your letter if you were a narcissist, selfish and all those things your ex girlfriend said you were and if it was due to your behavior that the relationship did not work out. My opinion (based on your email) is that the answer is definitely no. I do not believe you were the one to blame for the problems in the relationship. There are several things in your story that make me feel like this. The most important things are these:

1. The way your girlfriend behaved during your class reunion. That was simply unimaginably rude. No human being in her right mind behaves like that and expects the relationship to continue as if nothing happened. Your girlfriend humiliated you in front of your friends. If your girlfriend was drunk while she did this, she should have been extremely apologetic the next day and go out of her way to make up to you what happened. That is what most people would do in that kind of a situation. I am aware that my opinion is based on your letter, but the event itself seems very clear: You were talking with your former classmates when your girlfriend comes in and starts to mock you in front of them. There is only one way to look at that event: Your girlfriend was being incredibly rude, there is no excuse for her behavior. You did the right thing when you decided not to pretend you had emotions towards her after that. No one deserves to be treated like that in a relationship.

2. The way you described your girlfriend deliberately hurt you in a bar by kissing another woman, even though she knew that was your "weak spot". You told your girlfriend about one of the most painful events in your life and she misused your trust by using this information against you. Again I see no excuse for her behavior. If your girlfriend was drunk, that is a poor excuse. When a person is drunk, one often exposes the "true feelings" instead of pretending. If your girlfriend's true feeling were that she wanted to hurt you and make you feel bad, that is very bad news for the relationship.

3. The way you described your girlfriend had been cheating in her past relationships and told you about it. If cheating happened only let us say once and if a person is clearly regretting it (and if there are no other major issues in the relationship but instead both parties feel the relationship has apart from cheating been a pleasant place to be in), my personal opinion is that one should be given a second chance to prove one is capable of changing and can be a reliable and trustworthy person. However, your girlfriend told you she had been cheating in several past relationships. This creates an image of a person who does not truly care about the feelings of one's partner. This seems to be the case also based on some other points you made in your letter regarding her behavior (your girlfriend telling you to simply forget the negative moments, telling you not to be so sensitive etc).

It also seems like your ex girlfriend felt threatened when it appeared that you knew more about a given matter when compared to her. Your girlfriend seems to have felt irritated when you were sharing your knowledge about something with her (for example regarding the constellation). This is often a sign of a low self-esteem and insecurity. It is natural for a human being to want to share the information and discuss of interesting matters with one's partner. For your girlfriend it seemed to be some kind of a game ("who knows the most of this and that") and if she felt you wanted to "show off" with your better knowledge, she reacted badly.

Often people are assuming that others behave the same way as they themselves would behave in a given situation. Perhaps your girlfriend interpreted your behavior based on how she would have behaved if she was in your place, and what HER motivation would have been for sharing the information. Perhaps her motivation would not have been an interesting discussion and satisfaction one gets when sharing information, but rather the knowledge that she knew something you did not, hence making her feel more "important" and "valuable". (Dear Friend, please keep in mind that this is all just a speculation since I do not know your girlfriend, you are the one who knows her best, so you are the one who can draw conclusions as to whether these assumptions sound correct or not). 

You also said your ex girlfriend told you "she was a great girlfriend and I just brought it out of her to not be a good person". This is simply nonsense, sorry to say this so bluntly. No matter what you "did" to your girlfriend, you do not deserve to be treated the way she treated you in front of your former classmates. Additionally, your girlfriend obviously was not a "good girlfriend" to her former boyfriends, who she cheated on. You were hardly the single source of the problems in your relationship, instead your ex girlfriend seems to have had issues already before she met you. Please do not blame yourself of her problems.   

You wrote: "Could I have made it work out with her?". Based on your letter my answer is no. I do not think you were the one to blame for the problems in the relationship. If you would have accepted your girlfriend's bad behavior and changed your personality to fit to her needs, then yes, the relationship may have worked out. But what kind of a life would that be? I do not believe you would be happy living like that. You also wrote "Will she ever be happy? What are the chances that she is treating her new boyfriend that way?". It can be that your ex girlfriend experiences happiness time to time when she feels she is in total control of the situation. If that is the case, the "happiness" your ex girlfriend experiences is more like a content and satisfied feeling rather than genuine, pure and honest happiness that one experiences for example when someone else gets lucky or someone else is feeling happy.

If the new boyfriend is letting her get away with her misbehavior, then there are chances that their relationship may work out at first. But as you know, anyone with a free will feels bad when someone is trying to control them or keep them on too tight leash. I do not see why the new boyfriend suddenly would be an exception in what seems to be a pattern in your ex girlfriend's case (she told you she has been cheating in her past relationships. In most cases one does not cheat if one feels completely happy and satisfied in one's relationship. So your ex girlfriend has been having issues in her relationships in her past long before she ever met you).

However, it is best for you if you do not think about your ex girlfriend and her new relationship. I can understand you miss her. It is difficult to get over the break up with a narcissistic person, and even though it is not possible for me to know for sure if your girlfriend is narcissistic without knowing her in person, based on your letter she does seem to have some strong narcissistic tendencies. However, if you read your letter and try to put yourself as an "outsider", I believe you see very clearly that your ex girlfriend could not have made you happy. Her bad behavior was not your fault. The only way you could have made the relationship work was if you had swallowed your pride and succumbed to your girlfriend's will. I do not recommend that kind of life to anyone, in a long run it only leads to misery and depression.

Dear Friend, you said you can hardly remember any good moments during the time you were together. Perhaps it is best that way, for now. If you remembered huge amount of good things, you might question your decision to separate with your girlfriend. However, based on your letter, I sincerely believe you did the right thing. You were not to blame for the negative things your girlfriend did during your relationship. There was nothing you could have done "better" or differently. No one deserves to be treated like that, no matter what they do. If your girlfriend did not like the way you were, the right think to do is to walk away from the relationship instead of staying and blaming the other person for one's bad behavior.

You also told your girlfriend said to you she will revenge "10-fold" if someone does something bad to her. Your girlfriend sounds like a rather aggressive and vengeful person. Overall, I really believe you will be much happier in a long run with a different kind of a person. Imagine if you stayed years with this woman and she would not have changed her ways. She would slowly have made you more and more depressed and unhappy. I do not wish that kind of a life for you. Even if things do not work out between your ex girlfriend and her current boyfriend and she perhaps tries to approach you again, I strongly recommend you to think long and hard before entering the relationship with her again. What you miss is not the real person, but rather a dream image of her you created in your mind. The real person is someone completely different. Please read again the letter you send to me. Could you really imagine sharing your life with a woman who can behave like that towards you? Dear Friend, I believe I already know your answer. When you feel the moment of weakness and question your decision, please remember that answer. 

To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. 

Warm hug,

Maria 

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it   

• Add New
• Search
• RSS

Comments (2)

• |2010-03-16 21:31:57 Alan T  - Stay strong, you're better off
  Hi,
  Maria's advice is dead on. You are in love with an idealized version of your ex. It is impossible to peel away the layers of someone to find a diamond at the core. The abusive side of her is part of who she is, and she obviously projects all the problems in the relationship to you. This is nonsense. The fact that you had fake your emotions for her says that something was seriously wrong. I had to do the same thing with my narcissistic ex, and it lead to a host of physiological problems for me. I also highly doubt that she's going to move on to the next boyfriend and be in a state of wonderful bliss. After the honeymoon is over, she once again will become the same miserable, abusive woman she was with you. The fact that she tries to rub it in that things with her new boyfriend are wonderful is a LIE. You come across as being very strong - you have been able to cope with coming into contact with your ex after the fact. Not the case for me. I am maintaining a strict policy of no contact because any contact for me is like rubbing salt into open wounds. You deserve better than her, and I hope you find it.
  • 0
  • 0

  Reply

• |2010-03-25 02:07:21 Anonymous
  My heart breaks for you. Truly. Alot of what you said reminds me of myself and my npd husband-soon to be ex.
  
  You sound like a really good person to me. Who was essentially duped by some not so very good people. Just because you ARE a good person.
  
  Somewhere, out there, is a woman who will appreciate your kindness and sincerity. Wait for that woman.
  
  In the meantime, try to discover why you allow these people into your life.
  
  I had two, I've realized after much contemplation. But I didn't realize it at either time. Only in hindsight. I don't think I will ever again let someone like this in my life, but who knows? All I can do is work on why I allow these people into my life. Why I don't think enough of myself to quit when the quitting doesn't hurt so much. Why I give them all the allowances, while they give me none.
  
  Hang in there. I'm actually touched that any man would try so hard to create a life with a woman. And give so freely of himself.
  
  You're not wrong. You're just kind.
  • 0
  • 0

  Reply

Write comment

Your Contact Details:

Name:

Email: do not notifynotify

Comment:

Title:

Message:

Security

Please input the anti-spam code that you can read in the image.