Hi Maria,

I have been out of a relationship with a Narcissist for 4 years. I am glad to come across others who are scared and unable to trust their own judgment. I found this site yesterday and have been struck by the similarity in the behaviours of the narcissists in these stories. I wish i had discovered this a few years ago, i might have been able to save myself some pain. I work in the mental health field and feel i should have been better equipped to spot him.

I was swept off my feet in a whirlwind romance which resulted in a quick marriage. It was all so romantic and wonderful as everyone has recounted. He was so good at faking feelings and compassion etc. It was my second marriage, i had really taken my time after my first marriage to recover and not rush in to any relationships as i had two daughters to protect.

The mask first slipped on our wedding night when he was verbally vicious to me - i woke up next morning in tears thinking i had made the worst mistake of my life (i had!!), but of course he persuaded me otherwise, explaining away his actions etc and of course i was madly in love.

Over the course of that first year there were some indications of possible dishonesty and things that didn't quite add up in his story but nothing too big. Then after about 8-9 months he seemed to become distant and depressed. Of course i made all sorts of excuses for him. Eventually i began to believe something else was going on. I did some snooping and discovered a love letter from his ex girlfriend (he hadn't been with her when we got together!). I was gutted but i didn't confront him - i was afraid he would walk out!

After a couple of weeks of strange behaviour he disappeared for a few days claiming he had gone hill walking. No contact, not answering his phone etc - i was frantic with worry as he was a type 2 diabetic, i thought he was lying ill some where. I was on the verge of calling the police. Then it dawned on me that he might be with her - so i phoned her daughter and made up a story - within an hour he phoned pretending he was up in the mountains and had signal problems with his phone!

I became a detective and found out where he had been - the first of many times i developed my detective skills. When confronted he denied everything - usual story- i remember telling a friend that i felt i was in a movie called 'Gaslight' (i have since discovered this expression used in relation to NPD behaviour) and as people have said over and over on this site i loved him and wanted the relationship to work. It's the same familiar story. I tried to rebuild my trust but i kept stumbling over information - he would leave things lying where i might find them - he insisted that the relationship with his ex was just friendship and that i was being paranoid and nasty.

I tried to rebuild things  - he of course expected me to be over it immediately, we tried couple counselling after i threatened to leave - but the counsellor wasn't very skilled and of course he was very charming and i ended up coming across as a bitch. He persuaded me to work towards buying a house and moving to the country for a fresh start. Just as i was beginning to feel better more lies emerged - i accidently discovered some things he told me before we married were lies and of course when i confronted him he flew in to a rage.

Everyone here knows the pattern, the story varies only in some of the detail. I turned in to a suspicious, paranoid angry woman. I was preoccupied, not concentrating on my kids or my career. I stopped knowing what was 'normal' behaviour in a relationship.

He showed no interest in my well-being. The rows were awful, he turned everything in to my fault. Once i crashed and wrote off my car - i could have been killed or badly injured - he was appalling, didn't even bring me a cup of tea in bed, never mind flowers, when i was recovering.

Eventually i got a job in the country which was part of our 'plan' - he was supposed to be looking for one but didn't bother, it became obvious he had changed his mind. Well it was obvious to other people. I was under huge pressure commuting huge distances and coping with a new job with no support. I started to drink more than was good for me and put on weight - he started to criticize me more and more it dawned on me that he was back with her and i started checking emails, texts etc. This time i decided to employ a private detective so i wouldn't be talked out of things by him - sure enough i was right.

I confronted him - still hoping he would choose me - what a mug! But it turned out he had long since been making his arrangements, i had simply hastened things . He was still insisting that he was just friends with her.  Anyway i ended up alone, living a couple of hundred miles from my friends and children because i was following this 'dream' we supposedly had - now on my own. Stuck there cos i'd given up my old job.

I was devastated but determined to get the divorce underway and have as little contact as possible. I am proud of the fact that in 2 years i only sent two emotional texts - one of which was on my wedding anniversary. He did not like that i initiated the divorce and did everything to make it difficult, even moving country without a forwarding address - which was weird cos he was the one who had ended it. He whinged to me continuously about how hard things were for him - especially financially as though he was the victim. I caught him out in yet another big lie and for the first time was able to see the 6 year old that others here have talked about.

I was emotionally exhausted, angry, hurt and grieving. It cost me so much money to get rid of him. I did finally - I sometimes harbored ideas of revenge and even found out yet more lies i could have got him in trouble with his employers but i didn't.

4 years on there isn't a day i don't think of him and feel grief about the loss of the relationship. Over the years things had blurred and i have been remembering the good times. When i am lonely i miss the man i fell in love with, feeling so hurt at how i have been written off and how unfair it seems that he is in a relationship and i am not. I am so glad i found this site yesterday - reading the stories here has brought back how awful it was. I know i am no longer constantly stressed, i sleep better, i am so much calmer not angry all the time. My friends say i am softer.

I regret the waste of years and that i have ended up living far from old friends in a remote place where its not easy to meet new partners. My kids are grown and have left home. I am cross with myself that i haven't moved on completely by now. I think i will download your book to see if that helps me to make the final move. I know that you are right when you talk about loving the 'dream person'- the mirage - but sometimes when i feel very lonely i long for the companionship that we sometimes had - i know its the addiction playing itself out, but its hard to always be rational.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for sending your story. It is so good to receive stories from people who have experienced a relationship with a narcissist, gotten out of it and are now able to see how twisted the relationship was and how much better off they are without it. That gives the strength to all those who are still struggling to take the first step. I am so glad to hear that you have found this website to be helpful for you.

The first step out of the relationship is always the hardest. If there was a "red button" inside our mind that we could push to make our emotions go away, to stop loving the monster who has turned our lives into ruins, we would not hesitate one second. We would push the button and walk out of the relationship, never looking back, never missing, never having second thoughts. But unfortunately there is no such button, we are on our own. We must find the strength inside ourselves to break free. No one can do the job for us.

However, we can get the strength from others around us who have been through the same. I am so happy to see how this website has grown to be the island in the Web for the people who are hurting, not knowing what they are doing "wrong" in their relationship, not knowing it is not about them, but that they are dealing with a mentally disturbed individual. It is such a relief to realize the fault is not in you. But even after realizing that the scars remain. The good news is that those scars will heal with time. It is up to us how well and how fast they will heal. If we direct our energy into positive things (like helping others by sharing our experiences as you have done by sending your story) instead of dwelling in memories and sinking deeper into depression, the scars will heal faster.

I know how hard it is not to sink into that dark place after separation. It is easy to say "direct your energy into positive things", it is much harder to actually do it. The key thing is to understand that you actually CAN do it. You are much stronger than you think. You may feel now that you will never get completely over the ending of the relationship. Dear Friend, you are still locked behind the invisible bars your own mind has created. You alone hold the power to release yourself. Read this article to learn more about this topic: How to Leave a Narcissist. Do not give in, do not succumb to the depression. To learn more about controlling one's emotions instead of letting the emotions control you, read this article: How to Control Negative Emotions.

Dear Friend, I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I know how deep the mental wounds are after having experienced such dishonesty and mental abandonment. You say you feel sorry you are now living in a remote location, far from your friends and children. Is there no way you could move to another location? If you stay in your present location it is harder for you to recover, because everything reminds you of the life you planned to have with your ex husband. I wish there would be a way for you to change the environment. I believe that would be extremely beneficial for you. I know it can be very challenging, depending on your possibilities of getting a job elsewhere. But as the saying goes, where there is a will, there is a way. Dear Friend, you have stayed in that place for years. You are still feeling torn inside. Please see if there is a way for you to relocate yourself.

Talking about sayings, sometimes when I have been feeling down it has been very helpful and encouraging to listen to a good song. There are many great songs in this world that can give hope and inspire people during various circumstances. There are many songs that can inspire and encourage people on their journey to the light, away from the dark realms of depression, out of the world of a narcissist that has nothing to offer but more pain and despair.

To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

I decided to post here the words of one song that inspired me (see below). I wish these words will give strength to all those of you who are trying to free yourself from the mental hooks a narcissist has embedded into your brain. The song is called The First of Me. You can probably find in online and listen to it, if you like (I also put address below to a page where you can listen to it). The words are as if directly written to all of us, who have been struggling or are still struggling in a relationship with a narcissistic person. Each word, each sentence in this song touched me. Listening to this song gave me strength during my moments of weakness. It can do the same for you.

Warm thoughts,

- Maria

(If you want to listen to this song, do so with good headphones, otherwise the quality is not so good. You can listen to it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTKGUz9nKDc&feature=related

Just copy-paste that link to your browser's navigation bar. The beginning of the song is soft, but it grows stronger as it goes on. Just like you do!)

The First of Me

I must make a choice
A tough decision
Listen to my voice
Should I give in
To temptation, admiration
One leads to myself
The other someone else
Just an empty shell

It's harder than it seems
When you're told that
All your hopes and dreams
Are yours to hold if
You just give them
What's expected
Something they can sell
Put upon a shelf
But I am not for sale
I am not for sale

I hear a voice inside
It's grown into a scream
I'm not the next of them
I am the first of me
'cause I can't live the lie
I am just what you see
I'm not the next of them
I am the first of me

If I can't refuse
The price they offer
I am sure to lose
And I will suffer
Sell my soul to make a profit
All I have to do
Is make believe it's true
That's something I can't do

I hear a voice inside
It's grown into a scream
I'm not the next of them
I am the first of me
'cause I can't live the lie
I am just what you see
I'm not the next of them
I am the first of me

So when the waiting's gone
It's time to face the truth
You know you're good enough
Deep down inside of you

You've finally woken up
If only just to prove
You were born to lead the way
Then be the first of you

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

• Add New
• Search

Comments (0)

Write comment

Your Contact Details:

Name:

Email: do not notifynotify

Comment:

Title:

Message:

Security

Please input the anti-spam code that you can read in the image.