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Hi Maria,
Right now I am crying. I am absolutely devastated by the fact that my 10 year relationship with what I now know was a narcissist has ended. I wish I knew this when we were together. My story is a very long story. But it is typical. I just feel totally discarded now. I am completely damaged by this man. Now he wants nothing to do with me and is absolutely cruel. The funny thing is that during the relationship I kept telling myself that he is crazy.
My boyfriend would do and say all sorts of things that were irrational at times and he would go into rages about every 6 months. It got to the point where I would wait for it to come. I would say to myself he's been ok for a while now, I wonder when it's going to happen. My reaction was to clam up. Not say anything and just let him rage simply because I couldn't compete with his temper. He did not like my silence. He knew he had a temper problem and would admit it and apologize the next day. I would feel bad because he would cry and say he hated himself and what he's doing to me. And as is typical in this scenario I would accept his apology and we would go on.
I want to tell you my story but its a long one. When I have the time I will. But for now suffice it to say I feel completely empty and destroyed. I know you're right when you say there is an addiction. I am completely addicted to him. He left me last summer and as if that wasn't bad enough, I just learned from him that he is living with another woman already. This has shaken me to the core. I am so hurt. I have never felt this much pain in my entire life. It hurts so bad. I cannot think of anything else.
We had an appointment to see a fertility specialist that we waited so long to get and my boyfriend dumped me for a silly reason just before the appointment. He had major issues which I will tell you about later. Suffice it to say I adored this man but he caused me a lot of pain, anxiety and disappointment throughout the relationship. I spent the last 8 months desperately wanting him back. I just couldn't live without him. Our lovemaking was spectacular and I don't know if I will ever find that again with anyone else. I am in my mid 40s, we were unable to conceive in 10 years and my boyfriend refused to go to a fertility clinic because he was afraid to find out if it was a problem with him. I begged him repeatedly and his response was don't blame me for your age. I could tell you so much more of the horrible things he said to me over the years and I forgave him for all of it.
Right now I feel lost and empty. I feel disoriented. I cant think of anything else and all I do is listen to love gone bad love songs. I am a mess and I have no one to turn to. I am a very successful professional. When we started together I was content with my life and I thought I found my soulmate. I still think it. He charmed my pants off. I was in heaven. I had waited a long time to find the right man for me. I thought he was perfect for me. We thought the same, had the same sense of humor and had an extremely passionate sex life. We were a perfect fit. He told me over and over and over again that he loved me and that I saved him. He always wanted to please me and told me that repeatedly. I believed he did love me but now I'm not so sure. I am really confused. By the end of our relationship I was completely drained. I have no emotion left. He drained me of everything. I have nothing left. I cannot feel anything.
Right now I need to get through the days. I'm having real difficulty. Over the past 8 months I would email him periodically to beg him to reconsider the break-up but he is so cold towards me and blames me for everything (he never took responsibility for anything he did or said to me that hurt me). He is delusional about what happened in our relationship and has re-written history. My problem is that I am hopelessly in love with him. I want him back. I know his new relationship is a rebound and I know I should run for the hills from this man and I know I'm in denial but I cant shake the love I have for him. I need your help. I just don't know what to do. I know I am a complete mess.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for sending your story. I am sorry to hear what you have been going through. You invested 10 years of your life into this relationship, you wished to have a family with your boyfriend and in the end he let you down. You do not go into details in your letter but you said your boyfriend has been saying all sorts of cruel things to you during last 10 years. I can imagine what you mean by this.
 First of all let me say something very positive. The first step in the recovery process is to understand how broken one really is due to the ending of the relationship. Only after we admit to ourselves that we are in trouble, it is possible to start the healing process. Dear Friend, you feel you have hit the rock bottom. That is actually a good thing: From now on your situation will start to improve. You are no longer sinking down, you are finally after 8 months starting your slow ascend back to the surface and back to life.
There are many reasons for your strong, prolonged pain. One important reason is that you were together with your boyfriend for 10 years. That is a long time. You have grown attached to your boyfriend and when he suddenly disappeared from your life, you felt empty and miserable. The fact that you were trying to have a child together is adding to your pain. It is important to realize that your feelings are completely natural.
It takes on average 1-2 years to get over the death of a beloved one (of course the beloved one will never be forgotten, but the sharpest pain will usually disappear during 1-2 years after death). Ending of a relationship is in a way a similar situation. It is like a small death: You have lost someone who was very special for you and with whom you shared your life for so many years. It is natural to feel sad and depressed about it even after 8 months. There is nothing wrong with you. Allow yourself to feel sad due to the ending of the relationship. Every death has to be mourned properly before the new life can begin. You are right now in the middle of that grieving process. Millions of people have gone through what you are now going through and they have survived. You will too!
While you are waiting for the sharpest pain to subside, there are things you can do to speed up the recovery process. You wrote that you have not been able to let go of your boyfriend emotionally. You keep listening melancholic love songs and remember the good times you shared. This way you are keeping the memory of your boyfriend alive in your mind. Dear Friend, I understand how hard it is to let go of the beloved one. It is one of the hardest things one can face in life. But it seems your boyfriend does not have (at list at this moment) the will to get back together. If this is true, and if your boyfriend is not going to change his mind in the future, you end up spending several years of you life depressed, waiting and hoping for your boyfriend's return. Dear Friend, I do not wish that kind of a life for you.
 There is so much this life has to offer, even if you cannot share your life with your boyfriend. I know you do not feel like it right now, but after one year your world seems completely different. I promise this to you. I have been where you are know, I know exactly how you are feeling. I also know what will follow. Dear Friend, trust me: You WILL get over this. Right now you must be patient and give yourself enough time to grieve your loss.
8 months is not abnormally long time to feel depressed after separation. It is important that you understand you are not "hopelessly" attached to your ex boyfriend, but instead you are going through a very normal grieving process after a long-term relationship has ended. If you did not feel the way you do right now, there would be something wrong with you.
As I said above, there are things you can do to speed up your recovery. If you wish to get over the separation sooner, you must learn to let go of the sad thoughts related to your boyfriend. If you keep thinking about such thoughts and listening to sad love songs, you are actually strengthening the neuronal networks that are related to negative thoughts and feelings. As a result of this you might get seriously depressed. If that happens, your recovery will take significantly longer. Dear Friend, please do not let that happen to you. I know you feel very depressed now, but it has been less than a year since the break up. Your brain is more flexible than you think, your brain has the ability to heal itself if you only allow it to do so. Please read more about how to speed up your recovery and how to free yourself from negative thoughts and painful memories from page Controlling Negative Emotions.
Please write to me anytime you feel like it. You are not alone. Give yourself time to heal. The aim of this website is to help you in this process.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Stories - Narcissism 
0am the next morning after waiting all night outside because he never came home. Does that sound like a man who'd only asked me to marry him two weeks ago. Ooh did I mention prior to our separation earlier this year, we lived together for seven years, and I finally had to leave him. I am ashamed to say this, but this man has had multiple relationships with other women the whole time we were together (some I know about,some I did not), and I mean serious relationships as I am now learning, he even got engaged to one of these women.
I owned my own business but when the economy crashed I had to close the doors. Lost my house and moved into one of my rental properties that was vacant, but I couldnt afford to pay that mortgage either so I end up letting it go too.
He finally got a job offer but it was 3,000 miles away, he took it. He left for the job on Oct 12, 2009 after 4mos he said his boss asked him to cover a job site in another state and that he would be gone for a week. Well I find out that he flew to see his X-girlfriend on Feb 4, 2010 and stayed with her in her home 4nites 5days (now, I knew he had been talking to her our entire relationship - that was one of our problems in our relationship-- i kept arguing with him that X's cant be friends cause something can happen) - (anyway, all the while Im thinking he was in ANOTHER state, doing a job as per his boss request) and he said they didnt do anything, that she needed help with something.. haha ok.... (Anyway, I was so angry that I duplicated what he did... I contacted and X and did it too)
I took him back after that, (I guess because now I felt who am I... I just went to an X's house and stayed too) then my rental property was foreclosed on. I went to him and stayed with him in the hotel where he was staying on July 7, 2010. I was only with him there for 3mos before he made me feel unhappy. BUT at least now he was paying all mine and his bills he was totally taking care of me now.
Where the job offer was it just so happened to be 400 miles from his hometown. He took me to meet his family, the first time there they gave a little party and he just left me (didnt say anything)at his aunts house (at the party) I didnt know that state let alone any of his family members and he went off with a friend for 4hrs he got back to his sisters house where we were staying at 1am. (I'm guessing to a strip club). Because he came back to me with sparkles on his face (said he dont know how they got there and that it was probably from his family hugging him).
He told me to just leave if I was so unhappy with being out there with him. Eventually I waited for him to go to work and I drove 3,000 miles back home on Oct 15, 2010
I WAS in constant communication with my X boyfriend since I left 9mos ago because I thought I still wanted him back, AND he made me feel as if he wanted me. (He did come home for a while but didnt let me know he was back in our state until after 1month, he continued to lie had me believing he was still in another state. I found out he was at home in our state, then he told me he was staying at his Aunts and then would go to a hotel near where his kids live, he didnt let me know he was back home because he wanted to give his time to his kids because he was away so long--- bull "i think" he was staying with the babies mama - but I did meet up with him twice and we had sex - March 2011) He left back to the state where his family lives in April 2011, because in our hometown he has NO JOB- NO CAR - NO HOME
Sorry drifted away, Well, I thought it was my fault we broke up because when I moved 3,000 miles to be with him that I could get over his little adventure with his Xgirlfriend (because I did it too). Bad ideal because I never let it go...I thought "I would have never got with my X, if my so called current boyfriend would not have cheated on me in the first place!"
Anyway, I could NOT get over that trip he took, (he took his trip from desire - I took my trip out of revenge) we argued the entire 3mos I was out there with him. (Note: I did go out and I too stayed with an x-boyfriend of mine for 4nites and 5days AS SOON as I found out he did it to me - I guess I felt, please I can do it too!)
Well needless to say, I though we could just be friends... NOW I DONT, I just want him to be unhappy now!!! I called him about 1week ago and he let some girl answer his phone and she said; my man and I are sleeping dont call no more..(he was right there and allowing her to speak to me in this way). Not to mention he had been calling me and wanting me fly 3,000 miles to spend a weekend with him, I told him NO, I guess he was angry that I wouldnt fly out there, is this why ....he allowed this girl to answer the phone? (that was a gut punch) that REALLY hurt!
Well I called him then texted him at least 7times and he has not called me back at all or even texted a reponse to me... I am SO angry, because I dont think he should have allowed this girl (that seems to have a good head on her shoulders book wise) answer my call.
Maybe I am jealous??? (that he found love OR not... I hope he plays her the way he did me - Sorry that was mean...she didnt deserve that...) I guess I said that because, she is right after me....
Found out she has a masters degree own her own home etc... and now HE is living off her (not jealous that he is living off her or her accomplishments in life, Im thinking she is now getting all the attention and sex that I desired and loved). I really am angry that I allowed myself to fall for this man!!!! So WHY do I waste my time thinking thinking thinking about him I cant even sleep... Not sure what I want.. I know I can NEVER take him back for this!!! but I am hurt behind his actions....! As a matter of fact SHE IS UGLY!!! seriously I am NOT just saying that. I seen a picture of her...
I feel so used / betrayed / stupid!!!! What am I doing, I dont have a problem with catching a man... Im just not ready yet?... i guess I need to mourn this death realtionship before I move on, but Darn It. I am worth so much more I am too smart and attractive for this!!! Never again!!! I wasted too many years of my life with this man that I will NEVER get back! I really DO NOT want to bring these feelings into my next relationship/marriage.
ps. getting back on my feet now (buisness wise), joined a gym... but sad to say because of that last phone call 1week ago I allowed him to gut punch me with allowing that girl to answer the phone and now I am really hurt all over again.. I cannot / will not call him, but I want to so badly to give him a piece of my mind... but will not because it will allow him to make this girl think I'm chasing him and I will look stupid, and now Im sure he will completely disrespect me in front of her to seal the deal with her OR show off OR something.
I look forward to the day I no longer Love him or Hate him. I just don't want him to matter anymore