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Hi Maria,
Thanks a lot for this site. I has given me the strength that I needed to move on. As I read all the experiences from other people who have been involved with narcissists, I truly felt am not alone. But most of all, I felt the tragedy that has befallen so many of us. Why is this condition so kept under wraps? Why is it that people start looking for answers while in the thick of things? Why cant this disorder be hinted during courtship/counseling by the professionals? Why do they assume all must be okay when people go for marriage counseling? All they tell us is how we should live after the marriage.
My story begins here.
I got involved with my wife in 2006. She had just completed college and she was staying with her brother. I bought her everything she needed since the brother could not buy her anything. He was somehow jealous of me because I was earning more salary than him, yet he had graduated earlier than me from college. He therefore did not approve of my relationship with his sister. But both of us were so determined to get on with our friendship and then marriage. Late 2006 my girlfriend then got a job and moved out of her brother's place and went for training in another town. I used to visit her there and we used to have wonderful time. In 2008, my girlfriend came back to our town but this time went to live with her sister who had separated from her husband. We started planning on when to have our wedding.
From this time, so many things changed. My girlfriend was more often sad, for no apparent reason. I would ask what the matter was but it would turn out that it wasn't anything major at all. It was as if my girlfriend was just happy being sad, effectively transferring the sadness to me. I would try until I get her back up to joy. Then she would complain of the almost anything. Its like I could never do anything right.
My girlfriend expected me to be a mind reader, knowing her problems before they happened. She lied so often and made me feel so stupid at times. She would go quiet on me so frequently and for no reason and would not talk to me for days, and would not say what her problem was. My girlfriend's sister told me that she has been like that since child hood. She would say the mum spoiled her with attention and my girlfriend would also support this story and was happy about it, so happy that she was loved more than her elder sister and that her sister used to be forced to do work while she rested. It was upsetting, I tell you.
My girlfriend ate away so much of my confidence. Then I blundered and went ahead with the wedding preparations hoping that she will mature up and behave once we were in a marriage set up. My girlfriend could never admit any wrong. She could never take any criticism, yet she was my constant critic. I could seet hat she pretended when she talked to people that she cared about them, but she would talk ill of them when they turned the corner. I wondered how she must be misrepresenting me out there.
My girlfriend was posted to another town for work after their training was over. I would travel there and basically we would alternate. More often than not, the weekends we spent together ended up being so horrible that I was afraid of being with her. Then foolishly I went ahead and arranged the wedding. My girlfriend never contributed anything.
After the wedding, we stayed calmly for 2 weeks. Then one day forgot to bring my wife some lotion. It was hell. She sulked and went silent. She went ahead to accuse me that I was not buying her anything, wasn't supporting her as my wife. I was devastated knowing that I had bought 90% of her clothes and countless other things. I had paid for her CPA exams, had taught her how to drive, was treating her well, the best way I knew how. Well, I went ahead and promised to change, just to calm her, knowing I had nothing to change to.
My wife then demanded that I should be paying her rent where she lives. I agreed but after I was able to live there with her. I would talk to my boss so I could operate from our office in the town where my wife worked and my boss told me that it was possible. Then I informed my wife. I was to leave my things to a friend of mine who had space. Then my wife said no, her sister will live in our house and we would be helping her pay the rent. I was not agreeable to this. Just before I could tell my wife I was against this, she went quiet on me. I moved the things to my friend's place and she would not talk to me. She called her eldest brother to say that I had moved out to live with a bachelor. Well, I am living with that bachelor because I don't think I want to live like this. And because my wife has always said she will get better than whatever I was offering from elsewhere.
I am really devastated. But am sure I dont want to live in misery and fear every day. In December my wife broke things in the house in a rage and wanted to stab herself after being silent on me for a week, and said I was to blame for everything. During the melee, I asked her whether she was mad. Since that day my wife has been accusing me that I said she is mad and goes on to be silent on me even after we have been having good time. it's like a pendulum - Happy now, unhappy the next moment.
My wife doesn't have a heart. She has threatened suicide a couple of times at at such instances, she seems possessed. She is very beautiful and very concerned how she looks. She is only mindful of her parent's welfare. I have been taking care of her father's medication for close to 2 years now. I have had enough and am not doing it going forward. To my wife, its as if I have limitless amounts of money. Her dad is now hospitalized. He is diabetic and has blood pressure.
As of now, she is still legally my wife - we got married last year. I can't start the divorce process as yet. But I dont have a wife now. I need to start looking all over again. But I will careful this time that I don't end up with a mental case like this. I don't know how slow I should be. But am determined to live my life to the fullest.
To all that are hurting like me, please take courage. Let's look beyond the pain of the moment. Nothing lasts forever. And thanks again Maria for this website.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry that you had to go through such painful times with your narcissistic wife. It is difficult to recognize the warning signs of narcissism in the beginning of the relationship, especially if one does not have prior experience of narcissistic people. Good news is that after experiencing everything you mentioned in your letter, your threshold of observing narcissism in people around you has significantly decreased, helping you to avoid getting involved with narcissistic women in the future.
Dear Friend, I am speaking this directly only because I got an impression from your letter that you are determined not to get back together with your wife. I do understand that is a difficult decision to make. Do not blame yourself if you end up getting back together with her. It takes time to make a big decision such as whether to have a divorce or not. Your emotions are pulling you to different directions. It is good that you seem to have a clear understanding of your situation and you know what you want: You do not want to live like this for the rest of your life. That is a good point to start the healing process. If you wish to read more about the recovery process after ending a relationship with a narcissist, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. I also recommend you to read this article to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind recover faster: Training the Brain.
 Even if you did get back together with your wife for a while, based on your story I think there is a strong probability that you end up separating sooner or later. I am saying this based on the description you gave of your wife's behavior. It sounds like your wife is the kind of a person who likes "drama". Silent treatments, becoming upset about small things, changing mood without any apparent reason, all this sounds like your wife is seeking your attention.
You wrote that your wife is very beautiful and is very concerned about her looks. It sounds that despite her beauty, your wife is feeling insecure about herself and has a very low self-esteem. This is the reason she needs the "drama": When your wife is treating you badly (giving silent treatment etc), in her mind she is hoping that you would come to her and tell her over and over again how wonderful woman she is, how you do not want to lose her etc. Hearing you say those things makes her feel she is important to you. This boosts her low self-esteem. It is clear that she wants a reaction from you.
It is impossible to know whether your wife is narcissist without knowing her in person, but her need for admiration fits to the definition of a narcissist. A narcissist is a person who is dependent on constant access to narcissistic supply. Sounds like your wife is dependent on "drama". Drama is a form of a narcissistic supply, since it makes person feel "special", opposite to "ordinary". It does not seem to be enough for your wife that things go well in her life. She needs the "highs" she experiences when she has been for example giving you silent treatment and when you eventually give in to her, hug her and tell her you love her. That makes your wife feel happy again, but unfortunately that state does not last long. Sooner or later she again starts to feel restless and needs to create a drama to get her next "high". In a way your wife is like a drug addict, "drama" being her drug.
It is sad that some women are behaving like this, creating drama because they need validation from their boyfriend / husband, not realizing that while doing that they are destroying the foundation of the relationship. A woman who is behaving like this is in a way like a small child, who is threatening to take away the toy from another child, if another child does not do or say what she wants. In case of this kind of a narcissistic woman, the "toy" is her love for her boyfriend / husband. That is what silent treatment is all about: Wife / girlfriend wants to show with her behavior that she is angry and that her level of love towards her husband / boyfriend has gone down. If husband / boyfriend in this situation is trying hard to make wife / girlfriend happy again, she feels she is important and starts to slowly feel better.
 At this point a woman who does not have strong narcissistic tendencies usually stops silent treatment and all is well again in a relationship, a woman feels she is important to her husband / boyfriend and husband / boyfriend feels good when atmosphere is again good at home. However, in case of a strongly narcissistic wife / girlfriend, silent treatment does not necessarily end even when husband / boyfriend is saying he is sorry for whatever he has done "wrong" (even if the fault was not in him to begin with).
A narcissistic wife keeps the silent treatment going, getting satisfaction when she sees that husband / boyfriend is feeling sad. It is important to understand that a narcissist is not a sadist: A narcissist does not experience pleasure just because a narcissist sees the other person is hurting. For a narcissist, it is all about revenge, which is a very different approach when compared to sadism. A narcissistic wife feels her husband "deserves" silent treatment (which is a form of revenge) because husband has been misbehaving and not doing what wife wants. To read more about this topic, visit page Narcissist as a mental abuser.
It is very difficult to live with a narcissistic wife. It is possible to achieve a somewhat balanced life if a husband is willing to give in most of the time, and does not take bursts of anger and rage personally. This requires that a husband accepts the fact that he is living with a person who has certain disabilities. It requires lots of love to take care of a permanently ill person. In a way that is what a narcissist is: Only very rarely can a narcissist improve his or her behavior. It calls for tremendous amount of patience to be able to co-exist with a narcissist.
Dear Friend, if you wish to get back together with your wife, please do not feel there is no hope that the situation will improve. There is always hope. But improvement requires that your wife understands that the problems are the result of her behavior. Only if she understands this, she can start to improve her behavior. A good counselor might be able to make her see her own flaws. But if you feel you have been trying long and hard enough and there has been no improvement, in that case I do not encourage you to stay in your marriage. As you said, the most important thing is to live this life to the fullest. This is the only life we have. We must not waste it by being depressed and sad. One can only do so much, if the other person cannot see anything wrong in her own behavior the situation is hopeless. You tried all you could. You could not have done anything better. This was NOT about you, it was all about her. Never doubt that.
Thank you for sharing your story. By doing so you are helping others who are in a similar situation. It is good to know we are not alone. Thank you again.
Dear Visitor, to read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. If you wish to read more about what you can do to help your mind to recover faster, visit page Training the Brain.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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