Hi Maria,

I came across your website due to the fact of searching for help after it came out that my husband of 19 years has been having an affair for 2 1/2 years.  He was caught 1 week ago.  I wasn't shocked, I knew in my heart but I am devastated.  I caught him by chance.  My husband picks my son up from school Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.  My son takes the bus on Wed.  Well one Wed my son missed the bus.  I did not want to drive the distance to pick him up and told him to call his father, he said he tried several times.  I called for 2 hours.  No answer.  

I picked my son up and on the way home my husband called me.  He was acting so apologetic, and stumbling over his words.  I told him I wasn't buying it and hung up.  When we all were home that evening my husband did not mention one word.  I knew then all my suspicions were confirmed.  I set up his phone account on-line and saw text messages going back and forth Monday-Friday for as far back as I could go.  An occasional call to that number.  I called the number and a voicemail came on  "This is Liz, leave a message"...  

Fast forward 2 days.  I confronted my husband and he lied at first saying he was just talking to her.  I told him I hired a PI was has been following him and he finally admitted it.  At first he just said " I am sorry this happened but I haven't been happy."  Blamed me for saying once that I hated him 4 years ago during a fight.  Finally the dam broke and our 3 children heard and were devastated.  My husband finally broke down and started begging. Saying he loved me, loves his kids, it was a huge mistake, etc....

He was seeing her during the day for 2 1/2 years.  2 to 3 times a month.  She is a bartender who works nights so he would leave work and go to her apartment during the day.  My husband said he never had any feelings for her. Never bought her anything. Never took her anywhere, never told her he loved her or never said he was leaving me.  I talked to her and she did confirm these facts but also acted like she knew my husband so well.  

The past days have been an emotional roller coaster.  My husband is acting like the man I knew and fell in love with.  I love him but I don't know how to begin the repair.  He has been wonderful the past couple days.  Involved with me, the kids, helping.  All the things I have been begging him for in the past years.  He was so cold and distant.  He had no regard for me.  He would just look through me.  No feelings of any kind.  How do I believe this isn't another act so I don't leave him and he looses his children on a daily basis.  I told my husband I would never keep the children from him.  For a fact I know he loves them with every ounce of his being. 

My husband said he loves me.  Where do you begin to heal and mend????  Maybe all his guilt and fear are making my husband step up to the plate and act so loving but what if everything settles and he returns to the person he was?  I could not bear that and would definitely crumble.  I truly need help.  

Thank you.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. 

 ____________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for sending your story. I am so sorry to hear about your suffering. You wrote you found out about your husband's affair only one week ago. Right now you are in the middle of emotional storm. The pain is fresh and sharp. After finding out about cheating one is suddenly pushed emotionally off balance. During first days one is in a state of shock. After couple days have passed the reality starts to sink in and pain is changing its shape: One starts to realize that something precious is lost forever.

The feeling is in a way comparable to losing a beloved one to death. Death is final. Also the relationship has been changed forever as a consequence of cheating or an affair. The "purity" of love has disappeared forever. Even if the cheater would leave the secret lover, the marriage will never be the same again. This does not mean the marriage will be lost or will be automatically worse. Marriage can be saved after cheating and sometimes marriage can even become stronger. But it will be a different kind of marriage than before cheating took place. In order to start the recovery process one must first accept this, instead of hoping things could be exactly the same than they were before the betrayal. There are things one can do to speed up this healing process. To read more about this topic, visit page Learn To Control Your Emotions. 

Cheating wounds badly and often leaves life-long scars. This is why cheating is such a cruel, selfish act: The cheater is only thinking of his or her own pleasure and is simultaneously jeopardizing the happiness and mental well-being of his or her spouse. That is literally what cheater does: He or she is playing Russian roulette with mental balance and happiness of his or her spouse. It is very likely that cheating or an affair will be exposed one day, and when that happens, the spouse of a cheater gets literally wounded. Cheater knows there is this very real risk, and yet proceeds with cheating or allows the affair to continue.

Cheaters are in essence selfish people who are incapable of putting themselves into the position of another person. Narcissists are typically unable to feel empathy towards others and hence often end up hurting people who are close to them. If cheating is a form of selfishness, does that mean cheaters are automatically narcissists? Certainly there are many narcissists among cheaters, however it is clear that all cheaters are not narcissists. What then determines if a given cheater is narcissistic or not?

The previous behavior of a person can be a pretty good indicator. Has the person cheated before? Does the person meet other criteria of narcissism (check out page Narcissistic Personality Disorder to read more about the signs of narcissism). If a cheater has no history of cheating, it can be that he or she simply is unable to fully understand the consequences of such betrayal. In a way this kind of a cheater is living in denial, refusing to think about possible consequences. In many cases people who cheat for the first time have never been cheated on by their spouse, and so they have no idea of the severity of the pain cheating is causing to another person.

When this kind of a cheater gets caught, he or she sees the pain cheating or an affair has caused to his or her spouse. This can be a powerful wake-up call. This is the moment when a cheater is forced to face the consequences of his or her actions. A cheater must look into the mirror and admit that he or she is the "bad guy" in this play. That can be very painful experience for a cheater. A cheater who belongs to this category is like a child, who did not realize the seriousness of his or her "game".

To be cheated by this kind of a person is the "best-case scenario" for the cheated spouse (of course ideal situation is not to get cheated at all, but if cheating happens, it is best to be cheated by this kind of a person rather than another kind, see below). This kind of a cheater is willing to do everything in his or her power to help the hurt spouse to heal. Often this kind of a cheater will not cheat again. These cheaters are capable of putting themselves into other person's position after they have seen the pain their actions have caused. This kind of a cheater is able to take responsibility of his or her actions, will learn from them and become a better and more mature person in the process.  

Then there are so-called serial cheaters. These people are incapable of learning from their mistakes, often because they are unable to see anything wrong in their actions. These cheaters are often narcissistic. They come up with all sorts of excuses as to why they cheated, often putting all the blame on their spouse. These cheaters either do not show remorse or they are faking it. In rare cases these cheaters feel truly sorry for what they have done, but sadly this state of mind lasts only for a short while. After some time has passed, these cheaters forget how it felt like to feel sorry for their actions and they are ready for another affair, should opportunity come their way.

Dear Friend, I wanted to write about above points regarding different kinds of cheaters so that you could put your situation into right perspective. You know your husband the best. Is your husband the kind of a person who you believed could cheat (before you found out about the affair)? If the answer is no, and this was the first time your husband cheated, then I would say there is a good chance to save the marriage. But it requires lots of work. I order to recover, you must go through the phases described in the article How To Get Over Cheating.

Your husband had an affair for more than 2 years. That is a long time to lie to one's spouse. During 2 years your husband had lots of time to think about what he is doing to you and to his family. It is also pretty bad that your husband lied at first when you confronted him. On the other hand, when a cheater gets caught he or she often panics and lying serves as an immediate self-protection mechanism (cheater is acting like a child who is trying to make unpleasant thing to "go away" by denying it).

I would say the most disturbing part in your story was when you mentioned your husband blamed you for the fact that he cheated and came up with ridiculous statements like "you once told him you hated him" years ago. etc. That is quite alarming, because it sounds like your husband is unable to take responsibility and to admit it is HE who has done wrong. Instead your husband is trying to make himself feel better by blaming you. This way when your husband looks into mirror he does not see a disgusting cheater, but a person who simply "was not happy in his relationship". He is trying to make himself to feel better about the whole thing, without thinking of the pain this situation is causing you. When your husband cheated on you, he was acting selfishly. It seems he continues to do so after getting caught. It helps you to make the right decision regarding future when you are aware of these personality traits of your husband.

You wrote that you love your husband. If this is the first time your husband was caught of having an affair, I recommend you stay with him at list for a while and see how your feelings evolve. It has been only one week since you found out about cheating. It takes time to clear your emotions. It helps to talk to other people (your friends, family members etc) about your emotions. If you have a chance, go to see a counselor. If you can make your husband go too, that would be very good and would help you tremendously in your recovery process. A good counselor can help in this sort of situation more than many people realize. It certainly is not in vain to give it a try. 

The most important thing for you to do now is to accept the fact that you are wounded. Your wounds are not visible to the outside world, but they are just as real and just as painful as physical wounds. Mental wounds are in a way physical too: The biochemistry of your brain has been seriously messed up due to finding out about cheating. You are feeling lost and depressed. You need to allow yourself to be weak. Do not try to be stronger than you are. If your leg is broken, you are not running around. If your mind is wounded, you are not able to handle everyday life the way you used to. You must be patient and give your mind time to heal, just as you would give your leg time to heal if it is broken. From this website you will find help and support during your healing process. I recommend you to start by reading this article: Learn To Control Your Emotions.

Please feel free to write to me whenever you feel like it. You are not alone. Trust me: You WILL get through this. There is no shadow of a doubt about that. Millions of people have experienced what you are now going through and they have survived. You will survive too! Hold on to that thought when you are having a dark moment. 

Dear Visitor, to read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism in a relationship, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. 

Warm hug,

Maria 

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it    

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