Hi Maria,

I have been married for almost 9 years to a man that I thought was my soulmate. We had a wonderful marriage. We did everything together, went on trips, laughed, had a ton of great friends. I always thought my husband would be there for me. Until 7 months ago when I found out he had an affair. He said it was a "one time thing" and that it was stupid and that he loved me, and me only. I believed my husband and stayed with him. Then I noticed her phone number showing up at OUR HOME.... and on his cell phone, emails etc. Then I found pictures of them together on trips, the same places we had been to. The pictures were dated back in 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008... all trips he took with her.

When I confronted my husband he said "all that was in the past. I have told you that I am sorry and that I will never do that again to you, I promised you that it was over and I meant it". So I stayed. Then my husband left early one morning about 4 am and said he had emergency at the office. I felt he was lying, but he promised that he would NEVER cheat on me again, and that he was working and that "I was making myself sick accusing him of things he wasn't doing". So I believed him again. Only to find a text on his cell phone the very next morning: "You felt so good to me last night... I miss you hugs and kisses".

It made me literally sick to my stomach. So I left again, only to be reeled back in with more promises. Then one night after my husband had been drinking all day I mentioned this other person and how I coulnd't prove it, but I knew it was still going on. And he HIT ME. I called 911. He was arrested for battery and obstructing a 911 call. I left again for a week. But of course I went back. Pretty stupid huh? I just loved my husband and I wanted to believe him...

This time it only lasted a few days. I went out of town for 2 days on business. When I got back my best friend said she saw my husband with HER in a local restaurant and they left about 10:30 pm so I know they stayed together that night. I went home, got my things and left. I filed for divorce 3 days later.

Now it's been 2 months since I left my husband. And I still feel like such a loser. I feel lonely all the time. I had to get an apartment and furnish it, so that I wouldn't be tempted to go home. I KNOW it's the right thing to do, but why does it HURT so bad? I have to convince myself every day that what I am doing is right and that I can not go back home. My husband has called and now is emailing with begs of forgiveness: "Please come home so we can work it out". Well there is nothing to work out.

HE is the problem, so why am I not happy about it? Why can't I get over it? Why can't I just move on and be glad I don't have to live like that anymore? I just can't shake this feeling of failure... I am 56 years old and this is my 2nd marriage. The first divorce did not hurt at all, we agreed to disagree and went our separate ways but we never cheated on each other. This cheating and constant lying has literally torn me apart. I just can't get past all the pictures, all the lies... I keep asking myself WHY? We had everything.

I do know now after a lot of research and reading that my husband is 100% narcissistic, which explains a lot of it. He thrives on the attention he gets from others. My husband is the life of the party around a lot of people, but a completely different person at home, very depressed and unhappy most of the time. I know I tried everything to understand why my husband would act so crazy and now I know why. I know that he will never change.

Please tell me how I am supposed to move on and be happy? I know I will be starting completely over... which is so scary. I know I am a caring and loving person with lots of friends and all my friends and family are supporting me 100%. So why don't I feel better? Any help or encouragement you can offer will be much appreciated. I think it helps talking it out and writing it down like this. Just gets the emotions out.

Thanks for any help you can offer.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your letter. First of all let me say one very important thing. You were wondering why you are not feeling better even though you have so many good things in your life (friends and family etc). Dear Friend, you need to give yourself more time to heal. It has only been 7 months since you found out about the affair in a first place. You have still not recovered from that first shock. Even if your husband would not have done anything questionable after that incident, you still would not have recovered from that first blow by now. If your husband would not have cheated on you again, you would not feel as miserable as you feel now, but you would still feel very hurt due to what you found out.

Have you read this article: How to get over cheating? In that article I am describing the different states one must go through in order to recover after cheating. The most important thing for the recovery process is that the trust is not violated during the healing period. If the trust gets violated again, healing takes significantly longer. If cheating happens again before one has had enough time to recover at list to some extent after the first blow, it is possible that the trust is never regained fully.

Dear Friend, you are right now in that situation. Your trust was betrayed in a worst possible way: Your husband had an affair with another woman. You loved your husband and he told you he would never cheat you again. All the happy memories of 9 years together made you want to work for the relationship and save it. You could not believe your husband would hurt you again that badly. You wanted to believe in him. So you stayed. Most people would have done the same in your situation. Please do not blame yourself for staying.

Then the betrayal happened again. This time the pain was even stronger. And on top of this second betrayal your husband physically attacked you when you confronted him. Your husband's physical attack shows his weakness. He knew you were right about what you were saying. Deep inside your husband knew what he had done was wrong. He knew that you were right and he was the one to blame. That made him feel angry, resulting in him hitting you.

From your point of view, that is a double betrayal. First your husband was lying to your face regarding his affair. Then he attacked you when you pointed out what he had done wrong. Your husband was not even willing to admit it was him who had made a mistake. You had to put up with this kind of behavior on top of your original grief due to your husband's cheating. No wonder you are not feeling good. I recommend you to read this article to learn what you can do to help your mind heal: Training the Brain.

Dear Friend, you need to be patient regarding the recovery process. You need to give yourself enough time to heal. I just wrote a reply to another person who is right now in the middle of emotional storm after finding out her husband betrayed her and had an affair with another woman. I believe reading my reply to her can also help you, especially the part where I talk about physical and mental wounds. Please read my reply to her from here: How to heal after finding out about husband's affair.

Dear Friend, you are right now wounded. Your wounds are not visible to the outside world, but they are just as real as physical wounds. The biochemistry of your brain has been thrown off balance. You are feeling lonely and depressed as a result of the mistreatment you have experienced. You must accept the fact that you are now injured and you must give your mind enough time to heal.

Think of the pain and loneliness you are feeling as symptoms of the wounds caused by your husband. If your arm is broken, you feel the pain. This is the same situation. There is a wound in your mind, and this is how the pain feels like. It is different kind of pain than if your arm would be broken, but the source of the pain is similar: Something in your body is not in order.

Your body is capable of healing itself, but it takes time. You must give yourself permission to feel weak. Do not fight that feeling, if you do, the feeling only gets worse. Accept it that you are now feeling sad and lonely for a while. That feeling will NOT last for the rest of your life, I promise you that. That feeling is part of your healing process. Everything you are feeling now is part of your healing process. When you learn to see things from this new perspective, it helps you to recover faster. The purpose of this website is to help people who are in your situation to recover faster. Keep reading the articles and posts here as you have been doing so far. Every second takes you closer to full recovery. You are on the way.

The most important thing is NOT to go back to this person who is the source of your pain. Your husband has mistreated you so badly that you are never able to forget his lies, even if you got back together with him. It would be extremely hard process to rebuild the trust. It would take years and there are no guarantees your husband can change his ways. On the contrary, it seems your husband is not capable of being honest.

Please do not waste your precious life for the sake of this person who has not cared for your happiness. Let the memory of him slowly sink into past. You would not have fallen in love with your husband in a first place if you knew what he is capable of doing to person he "loves" (you). It helps you to stay strong and not to go back when you realize that the man you fell in love with never existed. You wanted to believe your husband was a kind and warm-hearted person because you loved him. Now your husband has shown his true colors.

This man is not worthy of your love or your grief. You are grieving the loss of your dream image and dream life, not the loss of this unpleasant, cold-hearted man who clearly is incapable of taking your feelings into account and being honest. If we love someone from all our heart, we cannot hurt that person. This man did not love you from all his heart. It is possible he is not capable of truly loving anyone. He seems like a very self-centered person, who is only seeking his own pleasure and is not feeling guilty for lying to you, instead he hit you when you said things about him he did not want to hear.

Dear Friend, always remember that this break up was a GOOD THING. You have your whole life ahead of you! You can now find your true self again and concentrate on doing things YOU love and living the life YOU want to live. Your husband is no longer able to control your happiness. You are in control of your life now! That is not a scary place to be in, that is a WONDERFUL place to be in! When you understand this, your grief will subside. Let that man loose, to sink or float on his own (a person like him will eventually sink because he is not capable of being honest to his partner). You are now free! Remind yourself of that wonderful thing every morning when you wake up to face a new exciting day. Every day your pain shall be less and less, until you are wondering how you ever allowed that pathetic, lying and dishonest man to influence you so much.

Dear Friend, congratulate yourself. You were able to break free. The hardest part is now behind you, you were strong enough to do it. You are now on the path to freedom, mental balance and happiness. Stay on this path. Do NOT go back to your cheating and dishonest husband. If you have a weak moment, write to me. I will help you and support you every way I can. You are not alone.

Dear Visitor, to read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism in a relationship, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

• Add New
• Search

Comments (0)

Write comment

Your Contact Details:

Name:

Email: do not notifynotify

Comment:

Title:

Message:

Security

Please input the anti-spam code that you can read in the image.