Hi Maria,

My wonderful husband cheated on me. Revealed this on fall 2009 while we were at Universal Studios for the weekend with my kid sister and her man. He cheated on me in May 2008, only few months after I gave birth to our daughter. We were both at the office receptionist's going away party. He drank way too much and as he was leaving, she called him back and they decided to start kissing, he pulled down his pants and within seconds (as I was told by both parties), it was over. They both claim only the tip went in... details you may not want to know. The SAME night, he proposed, I said yes, we made love and the following weekend, we got married in court. I never knew or even suspected.

Enter July 2008. I find a text message from my husband to an ex, the girl before me. I find out that they're still talking, as friends my husband says. I tell my husband it bothers me and ask for the relationship to end because I have been respectful enough to end my friendships with ex's. Does it stop? Of course not. I ask my husband why, after already hurting me with the cheating, did he continue this friendship with the ex, continue doing something he knew I didn't approve of. My husband's answer: "Because I wanted you to concentrate on this tiny, innocent thing in hopes that you won't discover that I cheated on you".

So enter fall 2009. I stayed 3 full days at my mom's. My husband begged, pleaded, promised. I went back, still back home. Trying desperately to forgive, forget, be optimistic, to believe. IT IS SO PAINFULLY HARD. My husband has changed. Our marriage is now what it's supposed to be, open, secure, loving, 100% better. But forgiving, forgetting, whatever you want to call it is so very hard for me to do. I've been seeing a therapist... me! Not my husband. He saw her once.

So remember the timeline I've established. Had I known in fall 2009, at the moment my husband told me of his indiscretion, that he was still talking to the ex, I would not have taken him back. I wish I left him back in summer 2008. There have been times after his confession to me that I felt that I was on this road to recovery all by myself.

My husband has not been flawless and I don’t expect him to be. I don’t think he’s cheated on me since and I do believe he’s no longer doing anything that would jeopardize our marriage. His drinking bothers me but that’s who he is… not fair for me to ask him to stop that. His drinking bothers me because that’s the vehicle that helped him make the wrong decision the first time. His drinking turns me off. I don’t want to kiss or hug him when he drinks because my mind, as crazy as it sounds, replays that fateful night.

I have days when I no longer want this marriage and days when I can set my anger and hurt aside and be “normal”. But those days of being “normal” are far in between and coming less frequently. Is it fair, or right, or reasonable for me to end this marriage?

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry to hear about your pain. I know exactly how you are feeling. You love your husband and on the other hand you wish to stay with him, but your trust has been severely violated and you are not sure if you can ever forget and forgive the cheating. You are now struggling to get over the memories related to the betrayal. I recommend you to read this article of different phases during the recovery process after cheating: How to get over cheating. It is normal that the memories return to your mind unexpectedly, especially when your husband is drinking. It is good to be aware that the recovery process after cheating takes usually 1-2 years, depending on the amount of support one receives from one's spouse. If your husband will support you, you have good chances to get over this.

You said you do not believe your husband has been cheating on you after this incident, and you believe he would not do anything to jeopardize your marriage. That is a very good starting point for the recovery process after experiencing cheating in a relationship. Now the only thing you must do is to deal with the anger and pain you still have in you. To read more about how to deal with these negative emotions, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

Dear Friend, it is perfectly normal to feel angry and hurt in your situation. It is normal to have days when you wish to stay together with your husband and days when you feel you hate your husband and wish to end the marriage. Your mind is currently trying to adjust to this new situation, and the adjustment process takes time. You must reshape your image of your husband and of your marriage.

It is good to be aware that you can never return to the times before cheating occurred. Your love towards your husband will never again be as pure as it was before the cheating took place. Before you found out about cheating, you felt your husband loved you and only you. Now that has changed. However, this does not mean your marriage is hopeless and your husband no longer loves you. In the end the actions speak. It is true that your husband cheated on you. Nothing justifies cheating. But it is also true that your husband is still with you and it seems he wants to continue the marriage rather than to be with someone else.

If you have read other stories on this website (stories can be found from here: Stories - Narcissistic Spouse), you know that many people have to deal with the fact that their husband or wife has cheated on them for several months or years and has now left them to be with the lover. That is a horrible situation to be at. Dear Friend, I am not trying to say you should not feel bad. You have every reason to feel hurt. I know the pain you are feeling, I have felt it myself. I mentioned about other stories on this website only to show you that things could be much, much worse. Now you are the one who can make the choice of either to stay together with your husband or to leave. That is a good position to be in. Whatever you decide, you know it is YOU who made the decision, not someone else.

If you wish to stay with your husband and to work on your marriage, the situation is far from hopeless. Your husband cheated on you when he was drunk. When people are drunk, they sometimes do foolish things that they later deeply regret. If it is true that your husband did this kind of a thing only one time, chances are that he will not do such thing again. Of course there is never a full guarantee of that, but you said yourself you feel you can trust your husband will not do anything to jeopardize your marriage. Your feeling is the most important thing. The hardest part in the healing process after cheating is to regain the trust in marriage. If you feel you can trust your husband, then the only thing left is to deal with your anger due to your husband's betrayal. Article How to get over cheating will help you to achieve this goal. It would also be very helpful if you can convince your husband to go to see a marriage counselor together with you. A professional can help you to heal and to regain a comfortable feeling in your marriage.

There were also other issues you mentioned in your letter. You said your husband refused to end contact with his ex girlfriend, even though you had ended contact with your previous boyfriends and you asked your husband not to interact with his ex girlfriend. This is very rude and unfortunate behavior from your husband's part. If your husband loves you, he should respect your wishes and respect your feelings. It is not too much for a wife to ask her husband not to be involved with his ex girlfriend. Most women would not accept such thing from their husband.

If your husband feels that is an unreasonable request and he did not want to do it, in that case he should have ended the marriage, instead of continuing his relationship with his ex girlfriend, knowing it makes you suffer. If we love someone, we do not want that person to suffer. That is why this part of your letter is quite alarming.

You wrote: "Is it fair, or right, or reasonable for me to end this marriage?". Dear Friend, the most important thing is your feeling. If you feel you are not able to forgive your husband, then it is the right thing to do to end the marriage, there is no doubt about that. You should not stay in a marriage that is no longer a happy one. If you want to leave, you have every right to do so. If you make that decision, do not blame yourself or wonder if it is fair that you walk away. Your husband cheated on you and behaved disrespectfully towards you by continuing his contact with his ex girlfriend, even after you clearly told him you feel bad about it. It is perfectly understandable to everyone if you want to end the marriage.

However, if you wish to try to stay together with your husband, I recommend you to wait for couple more months, perhaps one year, before making the final decision. You are still in the middle of the recovery process after finding out about cheating. Your feelings might change great deal during next several months. Your husband's behavior during that time will greatly influence the direction to which your feelings will change. If you are not currently sure about your feelings and want to make sure that you are doing the right decision, wait a bit longer and see how you feel then. If your feelings have not changed, then I recommend you to end the marriage. It is not worth it to waste your life in an unhappy marriage.

Always remember that this situation is not your fault. This is all caused by what your husband did. Whatever you decide, never feel guilty or wonder of it is fair to your husband or not.  

Dear Visitor, to read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism in a relationship, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

• Add New
• Search

Comments (0)

Write comment

Your Contact Details:

Name:

Email: do not notifynotify

Comment:

Title:

Message:

Security

Please input the anti-spam code that you can read in the image.