Hi Maria,

I have been with a narcissist for 16 years - we have not been a couple for apx 2 years now but still live in the same house as we have 2 lovely sons aged 9 and 12. When we got together I was totally charmed by him, he is 7 years younger than me, and fell heavily in love. I also fell pregnant and gave him absolute assurance that if he wanted to leave he could as i was financially and emotionally able to support myself and would make sure he always had access to our child. He chose to stay and that's when his offensive began.

At first I thought I was getting the fairytale ending but gradually my boyfriend became more cold and verbally and emotionally abused me until I had a breakdown. Things he did included taking troubled students 'under his wing' at the college where he worked, spending time listening to their woes and cheering them up while I sat lonely and exhausted at home with our new baby. Then when money got tight and I suggested we get a lodger he said he would end up sleeping with her. He had a disabled friend that he would take out and go over to help - everyone thought how wonderful he was. Turns out he was using her spare room to bed other women.

When out together he would never talk with me, he would walk quickly ahead of me as if i wasn't there. He would always notice what i hadn't done, not what I'd spent hours on trying to please him. He would guilt trip me constantly about things as wide ranging as being selfish for wanting fairy lights when they would 'deplete the earth's resources' or buying unnecessary things' such as vests for the children. This continued into his porn obsession and saying I should be giving him more 'porn' style sex and I was unable to satisfy him and that I was cruel for denying him to go and sleep with whoever he wanted. He would make me do 'porn' style videos for him.

5 years ago I told him to go and sleep around thinking it would get it out of his system and he would love me for it. It made him worse. He would be high as a kite and happy when he had the promise of sex from someone then down in the depths when he returned as it was never as good as he wanted. He met a 'buddy' during this time who he visits several times a month. He takes her to sex parties and stuff - says he doesn't love her or even like her but she serves a purpose. She's a widow who I imagine has feelings for him and is hoping he will change.

I am now on antidepressants and am on life long medication for high blood pressure. I want him to move out but not too far away so he can continue his relationship with our sons. He blames me regularly for ruining his life and making him stay in a place he hates, in a town that is not good enough for him with people who are of lower intelligence than him. I wish I had never told him I was pregnant back in the early days. I hate what he has done to my confidence and personality but I now know I am totally over him and it feels good.

The other day i passed him a fuse he'd asked for to mend a plug - I put the fuse in a dish near him so it wouldn't roll on the floor. He went mad saying I was doing things just to annoy him and I told him I wasn't. I had a kind of epiphany and realised that I didn't do things to annoy him because I really honestly didn't care enough to want to annoy him.

My concerns are for our sons and that they will have his behaviour traits too as they live with him. They also do not have a good example of what a loving relationship between a couple can be like. I and they both modify our behaviour when he is home so as not provoke his anger or his misery moods.

I'm sorry I've rambled - but its helped to put it down.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for sending your story. I am sorry to hear about your situation. It is good that you have a feeling you are already "over" your boyfriend emotionally. It is clear that this relationship has been very unhealthy and damaging for you. If one hears constantly complaints and accusations, it is easy to get depressed. Mental abuse is just as dangerous as physical abuse. Mental abuse leaves deep scars, but those scars are not visible, so people around the wounded person do not know he or she is wounded. If your boyfriend was a physical abuser, your friends, family and other people around you would see the wounds in you, and they would have forced you to leave him long ago, even if you did not want that. Now your wounds are invisible, but they are just as bad as physical wounds. To understand better the formation of mental wounds, I recommend you to read this article of the dynamics of the negative emotional feedback cycle and how one can break the cycle: Emotional Control.

You said your boyfriend has been mentally abusing you for years. Imagine if your mental wounds would suddenly transform into physical wounds. You would be covered with bruises and old and new scars all over your body. This is a very good mental exercise. If we cannot see something, it can be difficult to know and believe that it is there. The victims of mental abuse are often not even themselves aware of their wounds.

It takes long time for depression to develop, often one notices the signs when the condition is already quite advanced. Signs of depression include inability to feel genuine enjoyment (things that previously have triggered joy can no longer do it), constant "blue" feeling and tiredness. There are also many other signs, but these are perhaps the most common ones. They go easily unnoticed, especially if one has young children it is easy to blame the busy life for prolonged tiredness.

Dear Friend, according to your letter there are so many elements in your relationship that can trigger depression. When you were still officially a couple, your boyfriend was sleeping around with your permission. Even though you cave him permission, this does not mean you felt good about the fact that he was sleeping around. Your boyfriend put you mentally down and made you feel you cannot give him what he needs. That is why you gave him permission to go and sleep around, not because you truly wanted him to do it. Subconsciously that kind of a life is affecting you in a negative way. Article Emotional Control helps you to understand how your brain is responding to negative events in life and how you can help your mind to regain internal balance.

I understand why you gave your boyfriend the permission to sleep with other women. You had young children with this man and you hoped giving him permission to sleep around would result in fewer arguments and hence would make your family life easier. For some reason you felt at that time that it would be even harder if your boyfriend would move out, that is why you told him he can sleep with other women. Now after five years you are finally emotionally free and when you look back, you realize that no matter what you did, no matter what you tried, nothing could have saved your relationship. Your boyfriend's abusive personality caused these problems, and there is not much one can do to change the personality of another person, especially if the person thinks there is nothing wrong with him. You did everything you could for this relationship. Now you can walk out without looking back, without ever wondering if you could have done something differently.

Dear Friend, you have went through the whole emotional cycle with your boyfriend. You have loved him, you have suffered because of his abusive behavior, and now you have finally become numb. I am glad you have reached this stage. Now it is easy for you to walk out for good. The chances that you would ever go back to this man after you separate are very small. You are so well aware of what he has done to you. You are also aware what kind of influence your boyfriend has on your sons. That is yet another factor that is preventing you from going back to him once you leave him for good.

Now the only question remaining is when exactly you will separate for good and move out. I truly wish you do not remain in the same house with this man for much longer. You wrote you have already started to see signs that his behavior is influencing your sons. Your sons are now at very vulnerable age. Dear Friend, if you need a good motivation and trigger that helps you to leave, you do not need to look very far. Everything you said in the last chapter of your letter is true. It is very important to provide your sons with a healthy living environment. Right now they are not living in a peaceful, safe place. They feel they cannot be themselves around their father. Even if you are trying to hide it, your sons can see how their father is treating their mother. You do not want them to grow up and repeat such behavior in their own relationships later on. You also do not want them to grow up to be insecure adults with low self-esteem. This is what often happens to children who spend their childhood in an environment that is not stable and emotionally peaceful.

Dear Friend, I am saying these things to you so that they could motivate you to make the decision to move out (either him or you and your children). It is never too late to leave a mental abuser. Your boyfriend has been making your life miserable for years and has finally made you numb. Enough is enough. The time has come to walk out. I wish you find the strength to leave soon. The sooner you leave, the better it is for you and for your sons. Dear Friend, you CAN do this. You can walk out without looking back. My thoughts are with you.

Dear Visitor, to read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism in a relationship, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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