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Maria,
I have been with my Narcissist for several years. During these years, only the first couple weeks were wonderful. It didn't take long for things to go sour. He had a troubled childhood, he was on probation, he had baby mama drama. All of this I knew when I started seeing him, but he seemed so genuine and so real, I overlooked it all. In the first year of our relationship, it was a roller coaster ride to say the least. I caught him emailing, talking and meeting other women. He was still seeing his child's mother and all the while keeping me on the back burner. I tried to leave countless times, but he always came running to me, convincing me that he loved me and only wanting me. I would believe him every time.
Shortly after his last encounter with cheating on me, he ended up going to prison for many years. We got married in the county jail right after he was arrested. Why I actually married him??? I have no clue but I did. So now after dealing with the nightmare of the prior year, now I am dealing with my new husband being gone for many years. While he was in prison, he still very much accused me of cheating on him. He always accused it of me. I am now learning that is because he was projecting HIS faults onto me, but at the time I didnt understand why.
I sacrificed every weekend to see him. Money, visits, letters, you name it, I was giving it my all. I used to sleep out on the side of the road in front of the prison every weekend and get ready in public bathrooms just to see him and without fail, I always ended up crying the whole time because he was hurting my feelings one way or another. Then I heard a rumor that he was having an affair in prison with another man. That was it for me. He denied it of course, but I knew it was true. So I filed for divorce and tried to move on with my life. I did still talk to him here and there, but I was feeling confident and sure that I had made the right decision.
Several months ago he was released from prison and called me wanting to see me. With the thought process that I was strong enough, I went. It was the worst mistake of my life. I have not been ok mentally since. In the beginning it was mostly me, still dealing with the insecurities of what had happened in our past, but very shortly after he came out, things started happening. I found a letter that he had written to the man who I heard was his boyfriend in prison, it was a love letter. His ex-girlfriend and him starting communicating and inappropriate things were being said, couple other males were telling him they loved him and missed him via text messages, and no matter how much I knew in my heart he was STILL doing wrong, he always convinced me of otherwise.
Then he started to become VERY callus, very cold, dismissing me all the time, becoming obsessed with his appearance (he was always like that, but it has seemed to have escalated when he came out of prison) judging everything and everyone, saying he was smarter than most, degrading me and my character every single day, dismissing my feelings and would ignore me even if I was standing right in front of him, manipulating me and still.... lying and cheating on me.
Recently I saw a text message from another girl saying, "xoxoxoxo" and I lost myself. Its a very long story... but in the end it was made out to be MY FAULT and him saying that I am the one that is out of control. I have tried to not contact him, but I always end up doing so. I am not allowed at his house because he says that "we need to work out our problems first."
I sit here and constantly take it and take it and take it and now I feel like I am the one losing my mind. I know he is bad for me, toxic is the perfect word, but I dont know how to let go. I feel desperate and ashamed. I know this man doesnt love me or even want me, so why cant I just accept who he is and let him go. He is not a good person, he is very mean and evil and the craziest part is, he doesnt even yell at me... he is always very calm. Its sinister and calculated and I am afraid to open my mouth now for fear of what he is going to say and how it is going to make me feel.
I do not know what to do anymore.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for sending your story. I can feel your pain. I know how hopeless and empty you feel right now when you are in the middle of the situation. Dear Friend, do not feel ashamed because you cannot let go of this man even though he is mistreating you so badly. Your situation is not as uncommon as you think. Many people have found themselves in a similar situation. It helps to know we are not alone. That knowledge does not take the pain away completely, but it is helping you when you know that there is nothing wrong with you. It also helps when you know that others have traveled down that very same path you are now traveling and they have survived. You will survive too, never doubt that!
 Based on your story it is clear that you know this relationship is not good for you. That is a good place to start the recovery process. It is very important to understand the true nature of the problem, only then one can start to take necessary actions that are eventually improving one's situation. You know already how your ex husband is like. You have known him for several years. There are no question marks regarding his personality. You also know that it is very unlikely that he will change his ways.
You know all this and you know how harmful this relationship is for you and yet it is so hard to let go. Dear Friend, I know exactly how you feel. You feel your life is empty and colorless without this man. You do not feel fully alive without him. You know he has a bad effect on you and yet you feel drawn towards him like a magnet. You are tormented by painful thoughts related to him and all the negative things he has done to you. You have gotten into a negative emotional feedback cycle. To read more about this cycle, how it is formed and how it can be interrupted, visit page Controlling Negative Emotions.
There are only two ways to interrupt this negative cycle. Option one is that your ex husband changes his manners, tells you he loves you and starts to behave towards you in a loving, honest and respectful way. Option two is that you interrupt this negative cycle with your own actions. I know you know in your heart that your ex husband is not likely to change his behavior. So the only way for you to get out of this toxic situation is to actively start helping yourself to break free.
Remember that you are not alone. I am glad you have found this website. Here you are among friends. Everyone who visits this site knows how you feel. We all know how hard it is to leave a narcissistic person. But trust me, it is doable. I know it is hard to imagine that now, but once you have interrupted this negative feedback loop and started your recovery process, you will start to feel much better. It will not happen overnight, but once you have made the decision to break free and have maintained No Contact for some time, you will be surprised how fast your mood starts to improve.
Now you are being exposed to negative thoughts and feelings on daily basis. As long as you keep this man in your life, you cannot find the peace of mind. You will be waiting for his phone calls and thinking what he is doing and with whom. If you keep living like that you will slowly become more and more depressed. Dear Friend, I do not wish you to end up living a life like that.
 It is hard to end a relationship with a narcissistic person. The first step on the path towards recovery is to make the decision that you are going to save yourself. If you have relapses, do not be too hard on yourself. You are only a human. It will help you to recover if you start thinking of yourself as someone who is addicted to drugs and is trying to get rid of them. It is extremely hard to get rid of drugs once the addiction has developed.
You are feeling the pain because you have become emotionally addicted to your ex husband and you are experiencing the withdrawal symptoms when you are thinking of life without him. In the same time you realize that no matter what happens (whether you stay with your ex husband or leave him) you can never again have back that overwhelming happiness you experienced in the beginning of your relationship. You can never fully trust your ex husband after all his lies and cheating. You can never again fully believe that you are his priority, no matter what he says. Words come easy, but in the end actions speak. Your ex husband has shown you his true personality.
Deep inside you know that you must eventually leave him or alternatively he might leave you. You do not feel loved and respected in your relationship. Instead you feel neglected and abandoned. This is the reason why you are feeling the pain right now. Even his presence can no longer remove that pain completely.
Dear Friend, it is time for you to leave. You have suffered enough. The beginning will be hard, but remember that you are not alone. Every day when you are not contacting your ex husband is an achievement. Congratulate yourself after every successful day! Make it your priority to help yourself to get out of this situation. Shift the love you have felt towards him towards yourself. You deserve your love. He does not. Start treating yourself as if you were your own daughter or your own best friend. Think that there is a "Weaker You" who needs the help of the "Stronger You" to save herself. Do not abandon the "Weaker You". It is on your responsibility to help her. If you do not help her, nobody will.
Dear Friend, I wish you will find the strength to end this toxic relationship soon. Please write to me anytime you feel like it. You are not alone. If you wish to read more about these topics, please see this article of emotional tools that help to get over mental pain.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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he actually never cheated..so...