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Hi Maria,
I was in a relationship for several years with a foreign man, who had been living in my country for more than ten years. It was amazing to begin with, I was on cloud nine, and felt so lucky to have found my match. He was handsome charming and everyone loved him. My parents adored him and treated him like a son. He waited until I was deeply in love with him and then started to control my life.
First it was that our children had to be his religion, as he claimed there should only be one religion in a household. I was very young and was so naive, so I agreed to that because I loved him and didn't want to lose him. Then he decided that when we got married he wanted to move home to South East Asia so that he could spend time with his parents. Again I agreed as I couldn't imagine living without him, i knew I wouldn't be happy living so far away from my family but he said the relationship would be over if I couldn't promise to follow him where ever he goes. I thought I could, and I still think I would have if he treated he properly but I'm thankful now that he didn't!
He was a very high achiever, and still is, he is amazing at his job and I will always admire that in him. Because of this I sacrificed most of our time together so that he could study and get to where he is today and he always promised that when he achieved something that we would relax and get married and start a family life together, but the goal posts kept on moving, and he kept achieving, its like an addiction, but he'd like a robot on over-drive, and lives for praise, phoning home to his parents every weekend to reported his achievements, always comparing himself to others, saying he is so young to have achieved all of this compared to other people and always timing himself, wanting to beat the time every time he did it. I used to admire his passion and drive but then I became tired of it as it was never-ending, its exhausting.
His family were not happy about our relationship, he didn't tell his father about me for many years. He said he couldn't commit to me as he didn't want to disappoint his parents, and said we would have to wait for the right time, every so often I would get fed up and leave because I wanted to commitment from him, he would just make me feel so guilty and say I was selfish because i didn't respect his culture. His mother knew about me but barely acknowledged me as she didn't want to 'encourage the relationship' as she was openly living in hope that he would have an arranged marriage.
We lived together for many years of the relationship but I had to move out for couple weeks every year when his parents came to visit, I had to remove every piece of myself from our house and take our pictures off the wall. It was so degrading and every time I had to do it felt as if I was losing another piece of myself. He said that I have to respect and accept his culture, and that I was so selfish if I complained about it.
I was so blind to everything because I idolized him, he was the center of my world and I would have done anything for him. He controlled everything, repeatedly telling me that he was the man of the house and that he should sort everything out, including my money. At first I accepted everything he said but then I began to resist and that's when the rages began.
He wanted my banking codes so that he could control all the finances, and he would give me an 'allowance' every month but I wouldn't do it. I transferred quite a sum of money into his account for our wedding and he put the money into an 'investment' and didn't even discuss it with me, even though his whole family knew about it.
We used to enjoy going out for dinner and drinks and having such a laugh together but gradually he didn't want me to come out with him anymore, he went out with the boys while I sat alone waiting for him. I became so depressed that I distanced myself from all my friends and to some extent even my family. It was easier if I didn't have to see anyone because I didn't have to cover anything up.
He always used to talk about how 'wonderful' I was to all his family and friends but I think it was just to boost his own ego because he felt great that he had someone who did all of these things for him. Everyone thought we were the 'perfect couple'. His family always interfered in our relationship, especially when we got engaged. I wasn't allowed to marry in my own tradition as it was offensive to his parents, the eldest brother had a failed marriage, he questioned my every move and said they were testing me to see if I was like her. I was so upset and hurt by this but my fiance told me that I should stop being so selfish and just put up with it, after all his brother was going through so much pain after the divorce. But he couldn't see my pain, my fiance and soon to be husband couldn't support me and stand up for me, I didn't deserve to be treated this way. I was heartbroken.
He never cheated on me physically, well I've always suspected it but never had any evidence, but he did cheat emotionally, always meeting with female "friends" for coffee and numerous texts from different women with innuendo's and I also found an email from a woman (from his own country) who said she couldn't wait any longer, that she had to know whether he was going to marry me or her.
I always confronted him and got an aggressive response claiming I was crazy and these women were just friends and he couldn't help it if they were interested in him. I became a very unhappy person, sneaking around checking his mobile and email account for evidence of something, and I always found it, that's not the type of person I am but I'm ashamed to say its who I became. I tried and failed on many attempts to end the relationship but he always managed to make me feel like it was my fault as I wasn't as understanding as I should be about his culture, and I usually ended up asking him could I come back.
Finally when I couldn't take anymore from him and his family, I called off our wedding few months before as I had reached the lowest point in my life and just couldn't do it to myself or my family. I actually thought and he repeatedly told me that I was a stupid crazy nutcase. My parents always remind me that I was like a battered wife, that I had managed to find a reason for his every mistake, thinking it must have been my fault, that I caused it because i was too selfish and not as understanding of his culture as I could have been. I put all of our problems down to cultural differences, ie that he was so controlling and manipulative.
After counseling, I gradually rebuilt my life over the last couple years. He never left me alone the whole time, promising me the world, saying that he'd realized the mistakes he made and had changed but I resisted for so long. Now I'm ashamed to say that after all this time of being so strong and happy in my life that he sucked me in again. I changed my number and blocked him from my email but we worked together and he always had access to me in work. I thought about leaving my job but I had a very good position so I stayed and I felt safe because it was a controlled environment and my managers and colleagues were very supportive.
He was very inappropriate in work because he was so angry and humiliated because our breakup was so public, but I let him away with it because I thought he's just hurting as much as I am. Everyone was so shocked at his behavior and he couldn't cope because he was always so well respected and well liked, everyone knew I called it off so automatically took my side and this killed him. He tried to be everyone's friend and organize nights out at work, asking everyone except me, but no one went. I think that broke him more than anything, that he wasn't popular anymore.
Recently I agreed to meet for dinner as he is leaving the country for a year but he promised me the world that night and for some reason I fell for it! After only couple weeks he became distant and cold, leaving me so confused and feeling desperate all over again. I feel like he was just trying to get me back to prove a point to himself. Time fades painful memories and he frequently reminded me of the good times, but after only couple months of being together again I began to realize that there must be something wrong with him, that his behavior is not "normal". A friend had suggested after the breakup that he had NPD and I looked into it briefly, but was too disorientated from his mind games and manipulating that I couldn't think straight. Now I'm convinced he has it.
Sorry for the long story, I have so much more to tell, several years worth, but I just need to know, for my own sanity, do you think he has NPD? Or am I just looking for an excuse for his behavior?
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. You have been through so much during your relationship with this man. I understand so well how difficult it must have been to call off the wedding and end the relationship. It is so hard to walk away from someone one loves even when one knows that is the best thing to do. To read more about how to end a dissatisfying relationship and about the consequent recovery process, please visit section Recovery. I also recommend you to visit this page to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to heal: Training the Brain.
You asked if I think your boyfriend has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is not possible to know if someone has NPD without knowing him or her in person (even though there are several points in your letter that suggest this man has strong narcissistic tendencies, I will talk more about this later in this reply). Have you read this article of the signs of NPD: Narcissistic Personality Disorder - How to recognize a Narcissist? You are the one who knows your boyfriend the best, and in your letter you said you are convinced that he has NPD. Trust your gut feelings. In the end it is not important whether your boyfriend has NPD of perhaps some other behavioral disorder. It is clear that his behavior towards you has not been normal. Part of his behavior can be explained with cultural differences, but not all of it.
 You said you had to leave the house for two weeks whenever your boyfriend's family came to visit. This must have been very unpleasant experience for you, even though you said you understood your boyfriend and wanted to make the situation easier for him. It must not have been very pleasant for your boyfriend to live like that either, not be able to tell the truth to his family.
Please do not feel ashamed that you allowed your boyfriend to suck you back into relationship. The same thing has happened to so many who are trying to struggle free from an abusive relationship. It often takes several attempts to break free fully. As you said, the negative memories had already started to fade during the time you were apart and when he reminded you of all the good things you shared, it was easy to fall for him again. This same thing has happened to many people who visit this website. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
However, you now have one advantage when compared to our earlier situation: You now know how your boyfriend is like. You do not have to go through years of trials and errors to learn how he behaves and reacts in certain situations. When your boyfriend turned cold towards you, that reminded you of all the bad things that happened during the time you were together with him. You said that now after being together with him again only for couple months, you have come to a conclusion that there is something wrong with his behavior, that his behavior is not "normal". You are the best judge of this matter since you are the one who knows your boyfriend best. You need to trust your own judgment. If you feel there is something wrong with your boyfriend, it is likely that this is the case.
You said you became depressed during your relationship with this man. That is a serious warning sign. Depression is a condition that does not develop overnight, on the contrary it takes long time for one to become seriously depressed. Often the victim of abuse is not even aware that he or she is depressed until condition is already quite advanced. This is one reason why it is dangerous to stay in an abusive relationship for too long. It is important to be aware what counts as "abuse" in a relationship. Shouting, belittling, criticizing, threatening and forcing other person to do things he or she is not comfortable doing all count as emotional abuse.
You said your boyfriend was very controlling when you were together with him. You said he even took your money and used it to something completely different than what you agreed on, without consulting you first. This is very disrespectful behavior, to say the least. It would not be far fetched to say that what he did was in fact illegal.
 Your boyfriend took your assets and used them for something else than what you agreed upon. In most countries this kind of activity is considered to be a fraud. It is important that you are able to trust fully the person who you are with. Without trust it is not possible to feel completely happy and secure in a relationship. It seems clear that this man in not a reliable person.
Your boyfriend also cheated on you emotionally when he was sending playful text messages to other women, even telling one of them he might marry her rather than you. This is clearly a major betrayal in a relationship.
You wrote: "I always confronted him and got an aggressive response claiming I was crazy and these women were just friends and he couldn't help it if they were interested in him." This comment suggests that even if your boyfriend is not a full blown narcissist, he seems to have narcissistic tendencies and very little (if any) ability for empathy. If he truly loved you and cared for your happiness, he would not have kept on meeting these other women without you being present while he knew it caused you pain. Certainly he would not have shouted to you and claimed he "can't help it if these women were interested in him" and after that kept on meeting them. That is a cruel, cold comment to the person who should be his partner in life (you).
One typical sign of narcissism is inability for empathy (to read about other signs, please see article Narcissistic Personality Disorder - How to recognize a Narcissist). Your boyfriend's cruel comments and total inability to put himself in your position and be understanding when it comes to his female friends suggests that this man has strong narcissistic tendencies or that he might even be a true narcissist. Another point in your story that supports this assumption is the fact that he seems to need admiration and also seems to have the need to boast about his achievements to others.
You found out about his inappropriate behavior with other women and it made it impossible for you to trust your boyfriend fully. It is not surprising that you lost your trust in him after finding out about such things. Most women would have felt the same way. In fact it would have been very unwise for you to keep on trusting the person who has proven to be so dishonest. In a way your distrust in him served as a form of self-protection.
One important question you need to ask yourself is this: Do you think you are able to trust your boyfriend again, if you decide to stay with him? This is a very important question. If you feel the trust is lost and if you feel your boyfriend is not willing or able to work together with you to help you to restore that trust, then I do not recommend you continue the relationship since it will most likely only cause you more suffering in the future.
Another very important question is this: Do you truly believe your boyfriend is capable of changing his behavior regarding you and all those other women he has been flirting with? This is even more important question than the previous one. If you do not believe your boyfriend can change, then I do not wish to encourage you to stay in this relationship.
Dear Friend, you are the only one who can answer these questions. It is good to remember that often past behavior is an indicator of the future behavior. Of course there are exceptions, and you need to decide if you believe your boyfriend is such an exception. However if time goes by and your uncomfortable feeling continues, I advise you to consider seriously if this relationship is what you truly wish for yourself.
To conclude, based on everything you mentioned in your letter of your boyfriend's past behavior it seems very unlikely that this man is going to be able to make you happy. You said it is important for you to know whether your boyfriend has NPD. There are many points in your story that suggest this might be the case, but as I said it is not possible to know for sure without knowing the person. However, the most important thing is that your boyfriend's behavior is making you feel unhappy and depressed. Even if it could be said with 100% certainty that your boyfriend has NPD, that would not give him any "excuse" to treat you the way he does. Regardless of what your boyfriend's problem is, his behavior has a negative effect on your life and on your general level of happiness. Please consider carefully if you are willing to risk becoming depressed again if you decide to stay with him.
Dear Friend, stay strong! Thank you for sharing your story. Please write to me anytime you wish. You are not alone.
You find more articles regarding narcissism and a relationship with a narcissistic person here: Narcissism. To read more about the recovery process after ending a relationship, please visit section Recovery.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Stories - Narcissism 
he actually never cheated..so...
I have spend a few months doing a lot of research on narcs. My bf is a Cerebral Narc, a narc who is not a playboy and tends to be asexual. He never wanted to discuss his past relationships with me even when I would gently ask. Why is that? I dated him for 27 months and we broke up 3 wks. ago. Five weeks ago, we had a perfect 2 wks. of great connection. He became very vulnerable to me and told me about what a great partner I have been and how I spoiled him. He admitted to a few of his faults and how I was such a good sport about dealing with his faults. Note: In 27 months, he never became that vulnerable and never admitted to any of his faults, but those 2 special wks. felt as if I was with a new man. He asked me during those 2 wks. to prepare to move into his house in Jan. (this month) He called his 2 adult daughters and my son and he told them how much he loves me, and how I made him happy and that we were going to live together. Then, a week after he called everyone, he created 2 fights with me for no reason and called our relationship off. In the last 3 wks. during our breakup, he emailed me about business matters only. During our last blow up,the day we broke up, I told him about how I knew he was a Cerb. Narc. and I told him every truth about himself that he would never want to hear. He became emotionally unstable and injured in front of my eyes before I left his house for good. Questions: Why did he tell the kids that we were going to live together, tell me to break my apartment lease to move in with him, only to create 2 fights his own doing and blame me and break up to distance our relationship. I know some answers, but I would like to hear from you. Also, why does he refuse to talk about his exes when I talk about mine?