Hello Maria,

I was given your site by a professional counselor who helped me to see what my husband really is. When I read your section about manipulating the narcissist, I sat here on my sofa and began laughing until tears ran down my cheeks... and I thank you profusely for your insight! I laughed until I cried, then laughed again, realizing that I now have a name to the face, so to speak. What he is, and what he's done to me is in the light now.

I felt so much better after my laugh-n-cry fest, and even tried a bit of manipulation on him. WOW, it worked! I know it won't be an overnight victory, but I now feel as if I have a plan, and a way to get the heck out of here one fine day. He's content to live with me, and stay married, so I have  time to go about my business and get myself together.

Thanks again for the great advice and insight. Many blessings!

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email and for your positive feedback regarding my website. I am so glad to hear it has been helpful for you in your situation. There are so many people in this world who are suffering in their relationships without knowing that they are dealing with a narcissistic person. Many people have told me that they had never even heard a word "narcissist" before navigating to my website while searching for information from internet. To read more about narcissism in a relationship, please see section Narcissism.

Often people remain in a relationship with a narcissist because they believe they are the source of the problems and that if they leave they can never find another person with whom they can connect emotionally as strongly as they connect with their narcissistic spouse. This is the emotional trap that often prevents one from breaking free from a toxic relationship. To read more about the emotional hooks a narcissist is embedding to the brain of his or her victims, visit page How to Leave a Narcissist - Advice and Support.

A relationship with a narcissist can be compared to being addicted to a drug: Deep inside one knows it is a dead end road leading to inevitable destruction and yet one is not able to get off the train. I have never heard of a recovered drug addict who feels sorry for quitting drugs and wishes to return for his or her old life. In a similar fashion, I have never met a person who has been in a relationship with a narcissist and after finally managing to break free wishes to have his or her old life back.

The "victims" of narcissists often miss the warm feeling they felt in the beginning of the relationship, however after spending enough time apart and managing to maintain No Contact most people start to see their past situation more clearly and realize how badly they have been treated by their spouses. Many people have told me that after seeing things from distance they simply cannot understand how they have allowed their spouse to treat them so disrespectfully. However, when one is in the middle of the situation it is very difficult to see the bigger picture. The aim of this website is to help people to find the strength to break free from a harmful relationship with a narcissistic person.

A relationship with a narcissist can lead to serious depression

It is very dangerous to remain in an unhealthy relationship with a narcissistic person for a long period of time. A narcissistic partner is often behaving in an abusive way towards his or her partner. Abuse can be emotional, physical or both. If one constantly hears negative things about oneself the risk is high that one slowly becomes seriously depressed.

One reason why it often takes so long to recover after ending a relationship with a narcissistic person is because one must recover not only from ending of a relationship but also from depression one has developed during the relationship. It is easy to mistake depressed feelings for feelings of "missing" one's partner. Many people return to their abusive partners while seeking relief of the painful emotions they are facing after the separation, not understanding that those emotions are in fact part of the healing process. In similar fashion a drug addicts seeks relief for painful withdrawal symptoms by resuming drug abuse, only to find that such "relapses" offer no long term relief and in fact make the recovery process harder.

It helps one to recover from the break up with a narcissistic partner if one realizes that the negative feelings one is experiencing after the separation are not solely caused by separation itself but are partially caused by depression due to continuous emotional or physical abuse.

Depression is a very serious condition and it takes long time to recover from it. I have recently launched a new website that is focusing on understanding depression and what one can do to help oneself to recover from depression. You can visit the new website here: www.brain-depression.com

To read more about how to recover after experiencing narcissism in a relationship visit page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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Comments (21)

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• |2012-05-03 19:42:22 Joan  - is he a Narcissist
  my husband had a affair, which I ended the marriage, after a year i met the woman he was seeing I could see she had lost all confidence an depressed we talked an told her the way he treated me i thought i was to blame, the nicest person you would ever meet, she told me what he did to her if he wanted sex or to show her chest if she didnt comply he would tell her it was over, then would go back again this happened for 2 years he would talk to her as if she was nothing force himself on her an if she didnt it would be over, she would beg him to take her back he would tell her its her last chance, until one day she was so upset an rang him so many times until he answered his phone told her to stop ringing him told her its over he didnt want to hear or see her if he seen her on the street he would make sure to avoid her what sort of man is he a narcissist... sorry if it sound childish but that the way he act...
  
  
  
  
  
  
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• |2012-04-09 20:57:50 Melissa  - Married to a recently noticed Narc
  Hello Everyone
  
  I recently found this website and I have had my thoughts on what exactly what was his problem. I have been with him for 6 yrs and married for 3. He cheated on me a year ago and we got back together but wow that sad and hurtful event made me smell the coffee. I had an a serious illusion of what he was and how he felt about me. In the beggining he said all the right things and made sure I noticed all the good but even then he craved my full attention. I first it felt like a compliment, like a feeling he wanted me only but now I completely understand. On D-Day I was the one to blame for everything and he made sure of it. Insulting me,telling the OW lies, and maing sure he was no longer in love anymore, mind you all this was occuring while I was seeking him and asking him to come back. I couldn't believe he was blaming me and it a moment of anger he said why do you want me back you didnt even love me anymore when in fact he stopped loving me and never did, which I found out later. While separated he tried to talk to me while talking to her, asks to see me then still call her afterwards, try to have sex and still talking to her until I yelled " You cannot have your cake and eat to"... He replied with thats not what I am doing. I didnt believe him, all this was hurting me mentally. After we got back together he had no empathy and got mad when try to talk to him about why did he do what he did and just blame me again. I tried to say and show him it was always about him and he still blamed his actions on me and why we fought so much in our relationship. I strongly believe he is a Narc and mentioned to him the symptoms and he said " I may qulaities of one but that doesn't mean I am one" What?! You have qualities so your are one! then he used a metaphor about me. SMH. Should I stay in this relationship/ marriage and seek help for him because like you said I have to treat him as a child. That is how I see him now,sadly. Please advise from anyone. thank you
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• |2012-03-23 19:46:10 Abbie  - My venting
  So I have been married to my husband now for 10 years. We were high school sweet hearts with the same interests and we now have 2 kids together. He's always been self centered to a degree but as time passes it is becoming a problem. I am a stay at home mom and he is the "breadwinner". I pay the bills,do the budget,take care of the kids, the house cleaning, yard work.. You get the point. We have always had finacial trouble because he wants all the money to buy himself whatever he wants. It has gotten so bad that we were in threat of no utilities.( in which he seemed not to care because he wanted new stuff).It seems he has no responsible bone in his body. He lies to others to make himself look good and responsible. He use to be an alcoholic, in which he was always flirtatious and touchy with other girls when I was not around. On my 30th birthday, I had recently been diagnosed with a 4 cm. Arachnoid cyst in my brain. As if that wasn't depressing enough he told me the morning of my birthday that he had cheated on me with a 19 yr old girl as he had also relapsed on drinking. Trying to make the day about him and what a horrible person he was I refused to let it bring me down. Is has taken me many years to see his lack of empathy towards others and his selfishness is growing stronger everyday. If I confront with an issue he immediately blows up and accuses me of yelling and being unstable. Bring a strong person that I am I do not that to heart. Years of this will definitely wear on a person though. His finacial burdens seem to be getting worse and there seems to be no way to rationalize with him. We've never really been able to discuss our problems because he just won't allow it. He uses threats of leaving when he knows I'm right and I just don't have much energy left to give as I am not as healthy as I would like to be.I'm not sure if I'm dealing with a narcissist or someone just plaint to controlling. In which he tries to be very controlling as I tell him it's not going to work on me. My story can go on forever with all the complaints but do you think I am dealing with a narcissist?
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• |2012-04-02 02:31:47 CindyX  - to Abbie
  I will say yes.According to what you wrote he seems selfish,has lack of emphaty(for what he did to you the morning of your birthday),lies and manipulates rather than admitting he is wrong.At the beginning these people seem so nice and years later there true colors come out because they know if they were that way from the beginning nobody will want a relationship with them.They are great liers and manipulators.I don't know if you like to read but a couple of books that I found interesting and help me are "the sociopath next door by Martha Stout" and "Women who loved to much by Robin Norwood".
  Also "When bad things happend to good people by Harold K" Reading the last book I learn that bad things happen at random to good and bad people like natural disasters.It takes time to heal the wounds. My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best.
  
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• |2012-03-22 09:00:50 sandy
  John,
  You sound smart and very aware of your situation. I would like to hear what your advice would be for me. I have been married to N for 30 years. Early in our marriage I was responsible for our household bills but after our 1st child was born he took away the checkbook saying he was making things easier on me. Next thing I know the checking account, savings account, the kids accounts and and all investments including the house are all in his name only. He too begain buying properties. Last I knew he put the house and one building in my name because his attorney said he needed to spread things out. I have no clue what has been done. Anytime my signiture was needed he forged it. If he did let me sign something I was not allowed to look at it. To this day I have never know his salary or his worth. Stupid I know. I have now learned that he is having affair. You knew what to do to protect yourself. Is there anything I can do to protect myself or is it too late?
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• |2011-12-30 20:21:58 Jenna  - He is a narcissist!
  Ugh, yeah, he's a narcissist! Sounds just like my ex! The lies, stealing money, expecting special treatment! Mine always had to be the center of attention and exaggerates as well. Divorce now before more damage is done to you and your children! It is far better to be alone than with someone who doesn't have your back, and worse, someone who stabs you in the back! Count on it, he is saying bad things about you behind your back to anyone who will listen, and he has more secrets than you could count! Run!
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• |2012-01-02 05:21:09 CindyX  - response to Jenna
  Sometimes I still miss the narcissist,but know I remember what you said better to be alone than with someone who doesn't have your back and stubs you in the back.It makes me feel better when I remember that.Thank you for writting back to me.
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• |2011-12-30 06:18:41 CindyX  - Has anybody had a similar experience?
  My husband got serve with papers last week. He wanted to talk in person after dissapearing for 3 months.He used to e-mail once in a while.I didn't want him to appear in my job so I decided to meet him.He apologized for leaving,he cry,promise me he will change and begged me to take him back and stop the divorced.I told him I coundn't do that because there are to many lies and to much hurt.It broke my heart to see him like that,I felt sorry for him.In 22 years that I know him I never seen him like that.He said he is not with the other woman,but they have a child together so she will always be there.He has lied so many times that I don't know if this is true.Plus this woman kept on seen him knowing that he was married and lived with me. Today he left me flowers for christmas and told my son to tell me he loves me.
  I don't know what all this means.I told him 2 months ago I will filed for divorce.I don't understand why he finally decided to show up in person to apologized after he got served with the divorce papers.I think if he wouldn't got the papers he wouldn't come to see me in person.Did anybody had a similar experience?If anybody has an idea why is he showing interest now please let me know.He has to show up for court on the 1/4/12.
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• |2012-01-15 08:48:43 katee
  Cindy, this may hurt your feelings, but it is very typical with a narcissist. He has moved on to who is next victim but is merely hoping to keep you as a backup source to continually feed his narcisistic supply. A narcissist will commonly hang on to one or more backups the case he gets bored or temporarily upset with the new one. Be strong and take care of you. These things are sad but very commonly true. Don't let yourself be fooled or drawn back in by the false per have a great man who won't lie, cheat, deceive, and demean you. Just remember that you have a ton of support from those who are going through that very same thing. So smile. Your days will get brighter. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel even if it doesn't feel there is.
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• |2012-01-15 08:53:17 katee
  Oops. A few typos there, but I'm sure you understood the gist of it
  
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• |2012-01-22 02:55:37 CindyX  - Response to Katee
  Thank you for writting back to me.To my surprise my husband signed the deed to the house without any fight.He told me he doesn't want anything and he will signed whatever I need.
  Now he calls me everyday to see how I'm doing.The repo man took his car because he couldn't afford to pay it.I don't know if this is why he is been nice to me.
  I'm still proceding with the divorce to protect my son and I.
  I just try to remember actions speak louder than words and I also start a diary to remind myself was going on.
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• |2011-11-19 18:26:08 john  - reply to cindy
  You are correct Cindy. I was married for 9 years to a Narc. I would consider myself to be a pretty bright well rounded person but i beat myself up sometimes for not knowing the signs after being with this person for almost 20 years. I was separated 4 years ago. She threw my stuff out of the house because I caught her cheating for the 2nd time. (that I know of). Anyway for years, I have always wonder why everything was my fault. She was never to take blame or responsibility. If she ran someone over, he should not have been crossing the street while the light was about to turn green. For the past 4 years, I have finally figured out what is a narc. After going to therapy and planning a strategy for my divorce, I finally was ready to pull the trigger 6 months ago. I knew it was going to get very messy and the typical Narc would do everything in her power to inflict pain and cause drama. She knew that my weak point were our two children and she used that to her advantage by keeping them away from me. For anyone going thru this. RUN> RUN > AND RUN!! Plan your divorce WITHOUT emotions. Look at it like a business. If you are the bread winner like myself, Start buying properties but take a loan out on it and keep the equity as low as possible. The lower you disposable income, the less he or she can take from you. This is NOT about support, this is about continuing to fuel the Narc's needs by inflicting pains in all areas including financial. In divorce court, no one cares if she is cheating lying or stealing. They care about splitting assets. Remember ASSETS. A narc will try to run you to the ground but you can win if you are prepared. I have not seen my kids for almost 10 months. They will fight for everything YOU CARE about. my lawyer was smart enough to ask the court to assign a psycharist for my 2 kids. He wrote a report about my ex and it was not a good one. He saw thru her and she immediately filed a motion to get rid of that doctor. This is a classic Narc move.GET RID of a threat (the doctor) She even tried to make me a deal. If i agreed to change doctors, she would allow me to see my kids once a month. I told her lawyer, I have not seen my kids in over 11 months. I can wait a few more months for the court to make a decision based on professional recommendations from the court appointed doctors. (She knew I was missing my kids but felt a threat that the doctor may recommend me more custody than her) They will NOT get tired so if you think about wearing them down, you are going down the wrong path. Focus on getting rid of them and what is best for you and your kids (if you have them). If you feel that your kids are at risk or if she is using the alienation tactic to prevent you from seeing them, you can get a forensic doctor to evaluate the whole family. They are experts and can see thru a Narc. This is expensive but ask one question. What are the well being of your kids worth?? They will write a 60 page report and give it to the judge. It is not uncommon for you to have full residential custody (even a male) if the judge believes that it is for the best interest of the children. Remember the Narc is the drama king or queen and it will be a long battle. However, the only thing you can do is STOP feeding the narc and remove the emotions during this proceeding. This will drive the Narc crazy because you are not feeding them and emotionless and treating the divorce like a business. Remember, they want to see you in pain and run down. That makes them feel like you did something wrong and they are right and you deserve to feel that way and it is all your fault. Dont negotiate with the Narc. They cannot rationalize like normal brains and that is not their fault. I wish you all lots of luck. This is not easy but also not impossible to get through.
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• |2011-11-21 06:38:45 CindyX  - Thank you for your response.
  Dear John,
  thank you for taking the time to write.I hope you get your visitation rights soon so you can see your kids.I'm trying to do my divorce quietly.So far he only e-mails me and claims he filed bankrupcy.Only God knows if is true.He also wants to know how our son is doing so I told him to call him.My son is 19.His answer was "It will mean a lot to me if you let me know how is he,I check my e-mails twice a day".He is the one that left us hanging and now wants to be informed.He don't tell us where he is at but wants to know what are we doing.Once again I'm reminded it is a one way relationship with a narcissist.I just wish the recovery from all this pain will be much faster.I know he is with his girlfriend and new child,he already got what he wanted,why can he just sign the papers.This people always have to make everything more difficult.I have no sympathy for her or him and I hope they both get what they deserve for all the damage they cause.My only hope is that there is a God in heaven and justice has to be done.
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• |2011-11-21 18:32:01 john
  Cindy, the only way to heal is to accept. Narc will never be on the same plainfield. They only motive is damage and revenge. You will heal. Remember one thing, if you stop your life for this guy and not date and move on, the Marc is still controlling you. Let it go, move on, enjoy your son and that is how you can come up ahead. My divorce will be over soon. If you don't have a lawyer, get one because you cannot take a Narc to court by yourself. It goes nowhere. They love drama and lawyers are there to intervene and get it over with so that they can get paid. Smart lawyers of course!!
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• |2011-11-24 02:27:53 CindyX
  It hurts me to know that I did not recognized he was a narcissist sooner.It would it save me so many headaches and pain.Is hard to heal and accept but not impossible.His last insult to me was today when the debt collector call my house asking for him and the girlfriend.(it seems she uses his last name now).Once I finish crying again,I blocked all his e-mails and my house number will change by next week.My lawyer thinks he found his new address so by next week he should be serve with papers.I don't know what other headaches awaits for me.I just know that I can't let this people break me.Thank you for all the advice John.
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• |2011-11-11 05:51:45 sally
  Cindy- Only you can decide to leave. I was married to one for 10 years. I've been out for 4 mths. If you decide to leave you cannot make contact and must get therapy!! Following those 2 things will drastically help you. BY NO CONTACT NOTHING! BLOCK CALLS TEXTS EMAILS IF HE WRITES YOU BURN THEM DO NOT READ THEM!
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• |2011-11-13 04:57:29 CindyX
  Dear Sally,
  thank you for taking the time to write.I been seen a therapist since January 2011.I have not seen my husband for almost 2 months and still sometimes I get sad.I don't understand why because I know I'm doing what is right for my son and I.When I open his e-mails I get sick to my stomach and sad again.You are right I should stop reading his e-mails.I'm going to start doing this.I hope God watches over me so I can get better and that he won't give me a hard time with the divorce.
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• |2011-11-02 01:58:22 Tammy  - He's a Big Fat Narcissist
  Dear Cindy,
  
  Your husband is a big fat narcisisst. I read your story and to others who haven't been there it would seem increduolous that you would even consider giving him a second chance.
  
  Cheating is emotional abuse. He wants to hold on to you so that he can hurt you some more. He takes some pleasure in this. If you can leave quietly while he is gloating about his young girlfriend and baby to others....then do it! File for divorce. Serve him the papers, and get a date.
  
  You are gonna go through some emotional pain. This is the pain that years of his abuse have caused you.
  
  I know about this. I had to have my big fat narcissist husband removed from our house and an order of protection filed. Before he started abusing my children he was emotionally/some physical abusing me. He literally had girlfriends coming over and calling our house. I had 2 babies with that ass.
  
  It has been over 2 years now. I am thouroughly enjoying being single. In fact, I date. But after being married to a narcissist..I'm very skeptical.
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• |2011-11-02 02:57:04 Cindy  - Is he a Narcissist?
  Dear Tammy,
  Thank you for taking the time to write to me.I was praying for a sign on what should I do.I think I just needed to hear from somebody else that I'm not crazy.That people like this do exist.I still don't understand how somebody do so much harm and goes to sleep happy.I will follow your advice and file for divorce quietly.He called yesterday and told my son that since Im moving on with my life,he will move on with his.Like is my fault.What a nerve of his after everything he has done.I hope there is justice and people like this pay for what they do.I hope with time the pain he caused will go away.In the meantime I try to distract my self visiting friends and doing puzzles.Thank you again for your advice.
  
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• |2011-10-30 18:08:59 Cindy  - Is he a narcissist?
  I was trying to read the comment but i do not know how to do it.I change the button to notify i hope that helps.
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