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Hello Maria,
Just so you know right off the bat, I have left my terrible abusive situation 2 weeks ago. The wounds are so very fresh and I am a mess. I am writing to get it all out and heal.
I met my husband 5 years ago. Like many stories he was charming, gorgeous, polite.... He was the whole package. He had a son from a previous marriage that didn't work out because "She was psycho." I thought nothing of it since he won sole custody of his son. He lived in a totally different state than I did and we knew each other through working for the same companies. We both dated long distance flying back and forth to see each other every 2 weeks.
We fell in love quick! He was my dream man and I didn't want to let him go, and he said he felt the same. After 3 months of dating he moved me cross country to live with him and his son. He proposed 2 weeks later and 3 months later we were married! Yes i know..... fast, however I had never been more happy and sure of anything. He treated me amazing and we had such chemistry. He called me his Princess. Due to the living arrangements with his son is why we got married so quick with just a few people, then planned our BIG wedding to be in my hometown 4 months later. His mother planned me a bridal shower and my husband flew in my best friend so she could be apart of it.
 I was so excited! My bridal shower was so pretty i felt like a princess. After my best friend and I went back to my home for a lovely dinner (i love to cook) and champagne with my husband. That night is night one of knowing something was not right. My friend was looking at old photos of us on her computer and there was one with me and another guy. My husband flipped out. He yelled and screamed at me. He through a glass of wine at me when I was in tears. Threw a shower gift at me. And he even went as far at to smack me in the face numerous times.
My friend and I ran nextdoor (where his mother lives) and she told me to go back home and my friend stayed with her. I went back to the house and he was hitting himself with the phone in the head. He would chase me around the house. I was scared for my life. I calmly said i was going to sleep in the guest room for the night. I guess he was tired of fighting (since it went on for 2 hours) and he fell asleep. The next morning my friend had left early without me even being able to say goodbye. My husband and his mother still to this day blame her for what happened that night.
I had no idea what to do. I was married. He apologized for being physical and I tried to put that scary night behind me, and tried to make every excuse to stay with my husband. That wasn't my husband? So from then on out things were wonderful, however bizarre at the same time. I became a huge part of his son's life, and he loved me like a mom. We had a wonderful relationship. I was an amazing wife. We were all about holding hands, affection, cuddling etc.
He would always tell me he was so in love with me, however he would also belittle me. I don't know how many negative things I have been told about myself out of the blue. I am fat (mind you i am 5'5 and 130lbs), how stupid I am, how other women are sexier, how I hang his shirts wrong, the list goes on and on. I just wanted him to stop. I had honestly thought it was me in the beginning. So i tried even harder to please him and be mother and wife of the year. My god, I was loosing myself doing that.... and it helped none.
The verbal abuse continued, as did the physical. I was pulled by my hair, bruised by him grabbing my arms hard in anger, bruised on my stomach once from him biting me, and I will NEVER forget the worst of all. I was trying to ignore his verbal abuse one night (his son was visiting his mother so he was not home) and i retreated to bed and said lets just talk about this tomorrow ok. I begged him to stop and we could talk tomorrow calm.
That was a huge mistake. He came in the room, ripped the covers off of me, pulled me by my legs into his arms, put me over his head and threw me to the floor. I screamed in fear. My knee was bloody (i still have a scar the size of a quarter on my knee) and I couldn't walk. I was sure my foot was broken. In so much pain i tried to crawl to the bathroom to see if I could help myself, and my husband felt nothing. He continued to yell. At that moment I felt so utterly helpless.
I got to the front door and hopped next door to his mother's screaming "Help!". It was very late. I woke her up and she let me in. Her actions were to take me back over to him! And that's what she did. In the process my husband smacking his mother upside the head. I hopped out of my home once again. There was no way i was staying there that night. Turns out my foot was not broken, however turned black and blue and I was in a walking boot with crutches for 3 weeks. I never told anyone.
You would think I would have left him after that insane incident, however a narcissist is so clever, and he told me EVERYTHING i wanted to hear to keep me. He took me out to a nice dinner, doated on me, cuddled me, loved on me and said he was sorry till he was blue in the face. etc. I was so blind.
 After that the physical abuse never escalated that far, however he would take his anger out on the house. He smashed our bedroom door, a bathroom cabinet, made holes in the walls from throwing heavy items, my computer, broken numerous glasses and picture frames. One night in particular he chased me out the front door late at night with our beautiful wedding photo and threw it on the concrete. The glass shattered everywhere. I had to clean it up. The photo and matting was still ok. A few days later though he tore it up in anger.
Now another bizarre thing to me was despite his actions he wanted to blame everything on me. He wanted me to apologize. He would always go to his parents. It was like he couldn't ever deal with things himself. He went to his mother and father for everything and painted a terrible picture in their heads of me, and they would start in on the abuse too. Not only was I getting what I was getting at my own home, however his mother would tell him I was lazy, that i was jealous of his job etc. His father told me my husband and his son were too good for me. His sister has called me a fake bitch. And that's just a few things. I had a whole pack of wolves at my throat!
I ended up loosing who i was and became so defensive. Still having NO idea what narcissism even was I prayed to god to please help me understand what was going on here and why this was happening to me. A few weeks passed and my husband called me at work yelling at me. "Is this how you really think of me?" I was SO confused. "Why did you order these books?" Again, confused I asked what he was talking about. I received two books in the mail that day in a manilla envelope addressed to me saying personal on the tag. The books were Walking on Egg Shells and how to deal with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and a book on Narcissism. I still to this day have no idea who sent me those books. I did pick them up and read them, and they were my life in form of a book!
We went to counseling towards the end of our relationship. It was his family's counselor so she knew him and his family very well. It didn't go well for me. My husband would bring up me going out with friends one night (mind you i NEVER went out, and every woman i was with was married) and stayed out too late for him. I explained we ended up getting breakfast and coffee. The counselor would back my husband like I had done something wrong and asked why I went out at all if my marriage was in a rocky state! My husband goes out all the time! I can't go out once? My husband hid my computer because he didn't like that i recently got a Facebook to connect with my family (no ex boyfriends). I gave him my password and everything. The counselor backed him for hiding it because he was concerned. Why couldn't she see all of this was control? I brought up the books and she said she knew my husband and hes not a Narcissist, hes just spoiled! Another person i had to defend myself too.
So the latest was two weeks ago. I was fed up and started to pack clothes. I wanted to talk to him, however he left for the day. I ended up going to a Going Away dinner for a friend and was picked up from my house. At dinner i got a text from my husband that my boxes were in the driveway. I also got a call from his father that I didn't answer. That's when his father text me my husband and son were too good for me. His father also called my mother and left her a message that was SO evil and crazy. It said "Hey you chicken shit. We don't want your daughter here anymore. She is not welcome here anymore". Stuff like that.
So, I went to my home to police and my things in the driveway. My friends helped me with my things and I asked to go inside to get a bag of my childhood items. My husband made the police watch my every move. My husband wouldn't let me take a photo of MY grandparents. I walked out of there and broke. I had to be collected by friends and loaded into a car. The next day my dad flew in. My family was so concerned and worried. My father and I went to my home to get more of my things and just wanted to talk. He wouldn't open the door without the police. Why such drama? I am not a crazy woman. So police came and I loaded as many things i could in boxes crying my eyes out. I got nothing from him. He was joking with the officers in fact while I was a mess. Not once did he stop me to say don't go or i love you. My father and I packed my car and drove across country to my parents home. (My husband had no idea that's where i went)
So i am here, and my husband wants me home. He is saying everything possible to get me back. This is SO hard for me. He had cut me SO deep I can't even understand why I still have love in my heart for him. I just want him to change back to the person I fell in love with. I know the answer, however will he? Can a narcissist ever really feel they have done wrong? Him and his family just see this madness as normal behavior and toss incidents aside like they never happened!
I am broken.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry to hear what you have been going through. As I got to the end of your story, I was so glad to read that you are now far away from this person who is clearly emotionally disturbed and dangerous. I recommend you to read this article of the difficulty of leaving an abusive person like your spouse: How to Leave a Narcissist - Advice and Support. To read more about narcissism in a relationship and how to recover after ending an abusive relationship, please see section Narcissism.
You wrote: "You would think I would have left him after that insane incident". Unfortunately many people end up staying in a relationship even after an extreme episode like the one you described. After an extreme abusive attack one often remains in a state of shock for some time. During this time window your husband approached you, took you to a nice dinner, said everything you wanted to hear and was able to convince you to take him back. Dear Friend, so many people who are reading your story and who have experienced similar abuse can relate to you. Many of us have given in and went back even after an extreme insult such as the one you experienced. After such incident one's first reaction often is to wish it did not happen. If one's spouse appears to be sorry and also seems to wish to brush the incident away, it is easy to go along.
Prolonged abuse often leads to emotional conflicts and depression
Unfortunately, a violent incident like the one you experienced will never be fully forgotten. After some time the negative memories related to abusive incident start to surface. When this happens, one experiences an emotional conflict. Before the abusive incident one has had a certain kind of image of oneself and one's spouse. Then suddenly, often completely out of the blue one has become the victim of abuse, and if one chooses to remain together with one's spouse, one must also admit to oneself that one has not only been attacked but also that one has agreed to remain together with a violent person. This is a huge blow to one's self esteem.
 It is very hard to admit that one has allowed another person to treat oneself badly, and even harder to admit that one has in a way "swallowed one's pride" and chosen to remain with an abuser. This is the reason why often right after an abusive incident one feels good for a while, but after some time has passed the negative emotions that have been suppressed until then start to surface and one starts to feel depressed and anxious.
Often the problems in a relationship continue, because an abusive person seldom is able to change. If the problems continue, the victim's depression becomes gradually worse, until it reaches the point where one can no longer take necessary actions to improve one's situation but instead succumbs to the will of the abuser in most things, slowly sinking into apathy. This is why it is so very important to break free from an abusive relationship as soon as possible.
Dear Friend, I strongly discourage you to even consider going back to your husband. Please do not return to this man, it is clear he has serious problems, and not only him but also his family. It is not normal behavior to send you back to your husband when you come to ask for help in the middle of the night, bruised. The way you described your husband's father talked to your mother on the phone is far from normal. You said your husband hit his mother when she came to your home after he had attacked you. It appears she is used to this kind of behavior from him. Clearly they know he is violent and dangerous person, yet they continue to support his behavior and him. This is not a healthy environment to live in, not for anyone.
This is how your husband has most likely been most of his life. It is very likely that his ex wife was far from being "psycho" (as he described her), instead it is very likely that his behavior destroyed the marriage, as it has now destroyed his marriage with you. It is very unlikely that your husband will change. Dear Friend, you are in serious danger if you return to this person. It seems clear that he is deeply disturbed emotionally.
The difficulty of breaking free from an abusive relationship
I know how hard it is for you to resist him when he is saying all the right things. But believe me: Every person that I am aware of who has returned to his or her spouse after such a severe abuse, has finally left the abuser. It may have taken several attempts, but in a long run no one who I am aware of has remained together with a person who is capable of this severe abuse. If you go back to your husband, the abuse will continue, there is no doubt about it, and eventually you will have to leave. Do not risk your health by going back. Also, the longer you remain with your husband, the harder it is for you to recover from the break up.
Dear Friend, it is clear that you cannot continue your life with this man. If you remain with him, he will destroy your life. Do NOT go back. I strongly urge you to go to see a professional counselor to discuss your situation. The counselor who you went to see with your husband was clearly not the right one for you (to say that a man who is beating his wife is "just spoiled" is an extremely strange statement from a professional counselor). I believe that if you go to see a new counselor on your own you will have much more positive experience. Do not try to survive this situation alone. You need emotional help and support from a professional.
Your husband's abuse has severely damaged you emotionally. If your emotional damages could be transformed into physical wounds, you would be right now thoroughly bruised. Emotional wounds are very dangerous because they are invisible. Please do not underestimate the severity of the wounds your husband has caused you. To read more about emotional wounds, please see this article: Emotional Wounds. Professional counselor will help you to get started with the healing process.
Dear Friend, you deserve so much better than what your husband is capable of offering you. This man is a violent abuser. No matter what he says, he does not truly love you. If he did, he could not treat you this way. He wants to own you, however owning someone is very different thing from loving someone.
You said you love your husband. Dear Friend, it will help you to break free from this abusive relationship when you admit to yourself that you do not truly love this man. You do not love the person who is capable of treating you this badly. You are emotionally addicted to the image you created of him before you actually knew him (before the first abusive episode). But when you look back, you realize that the person who you thought you loved disappeared the night your husband attacked you for the first time. After that you have been holding on to the feeling you had before that first violent episode. Once you realize that you were in love with the dream image that never existed and not with this horrible person who has been abusing you, you will be able to free yourself. It will take time to heal emotionally, but the first step towards the recovery is taken once you realize this very important thing.
Dear Friend, please remember that you are not alone. I wish to support you any way I can to help you to get over this very difficult time in your life. Please write to me anytime you wish. The most important thing is that you do NOT go back to this man. Please let me repeat this one more time: Whatever you do, do NOT go back.
To read more about narcissism in a relationship, please see section Narcissism.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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I agree. My husband left nearly 6 months ago now and life is so much better. It was awful to start with and I was so sad, hurt and angry even though I made him leave. This site helped me to see through his lies and never take him back. 