Hi Maria,

I just downloaded this book yesterday and I am over halfway thru it and just felt the need to stop and email you to thank you, so far I am enjoying this, it applies to my life and is already making me feel better realizing the problem is NOT me, but my narcissist husband.  I have never been in this mindset of thinking and it seems to all be making sense. I am excited about finishing this book but just wanted to take a minute to thank you.

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email and for your positive feedback regarding my book (to read more about the book please see page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism). Positive feedback from the readers gives me so much energy and motivation to keep this website going and keep doing this work. I am very happy to hear that you have found the book helpful in your situation. To read more about narcissism in a relationship and how to recover after ending an abusive relationship, please see section Narcissism.

It is very interesting to see how similar most of the stories of the victims of narcissists are. These similarities reveal some of the typical features of narcissistic people, such as emotional coldness, inability to put oneself into the position of another person and certain kind of selfishness, to name but a few. A narcissistic person can sometimes appear to be very generous, however when it comes down to choosing between his or her wish and the wishes of someone else, a narcissistic person tends to choose his or her way. This is the reason why narcissistic people often end up cheating in a relationship. People who respect their spouse and care for his or her happiness often do not end up having affairs because they do not wish to hurt their spouse. Unfortunately this is not the case with a narcissist, who often lacks the ability to feel empathy. Inability to experience empathy makes it considerably easier to cheat.

Narcissistic people often (but not always) end up having a relatively good and respected job. According to several independent studies, people in a leading position tend to end up cheating in their relationship more easily than people who are not in a leading position. This observation makes one wonder which is the reason and which is the cause: Do these people end up cheating because they have more opportunities to do it (position of power makes cheating much easier, since there are always people around who are interested in having an affair with a "powerful" person, as well as people who help in covering tracks) or do these people have more affairs simply because of their narcissistic tendencies. It is clear that narcissistic tendencies play an important role, since there are also many people who are in a position of power and yet choose not to cheat, but so far the balance between these two factors remains unclear.

Dear Friend, thank you again for your letter and for your positive feedback. I wish you all the best. Please write to me anytime you feel like it. My thoughts are with you.

To read more about these topics, please visit section Narcissism.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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Comments (5)

• |2012-01-08 02:25:34 Kim  - diane
  That is so true I was in a relationship for 4 years with my narcissistic boyfriend. When he "give" it was his benefit not mine. Burden is the right word for them...because that's what I felt like to him was a burden. Its funny all the signs are there early in the relationship, but somehow we are already entranced by them. Yes, if your into let me "give" you love, and let me take it back thats for you. .I tried to remain friends with him..but even at that he still wanted to play that game. Right before Christmas, I told him I met someone new, and I havent heard from him since. Its a good thing I know. But its kinda sad, that I miss him, why is it I miss someone that made me feel like a burden, not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, that didnt want to know me, my family. Hoping this missing goes away soon...because I want to finally get on with my life, that has been on hold for 4 years.
  
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• |2012-01-13 15:12:50 Kimberly  - read this
  The book The Betrayal Bond, Breaking free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. , does an awesome job explaining why we still feel attached or yearn for people who have betrayed us, it is called a trauma bond. For better or worse, it was created and reading this book and doing the exercises will help remove that bond and will free you. Best of luck.
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• |2011-12-15 19:14:11 Dianne
  Relationships require give-and-take. Narcissists are only interested in taking. Relationships are a burden to them because they are required to "give." They can't be bothered. If you want to be in a relationship and get nothing from them, that is their idea of a relationship.
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• |2011-10-21 02:04:06 Mary Lee  - Why doesn't the narcissist want to be happy in re
  I am not sure if my husband is a narcissist, but it sometimes seems as if has to be one. My mother was diagnosed as one, so it might be likely I would end up with a husband with the same problem.
  Anyway, I am mystified as to why narcissists don't seem to want a relationship with anyone. I guess the one with themselves is enough. Every time I think that I am secure, again, and that I can actually feel love for my husband, it's only a matter of a couple of days and I'm feeling rejected and maligned once again, and thinking that I have to get out of this dead end marriage, at age 60, after 21 years. What to do?
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• |2012-02-16 15:43:11 Debbie
  It will help to become educated about narcissism so that you understand the characteristics and cycles. This way you won't feel as though you are losing your mind. You will need to detach with love. You need to find your selfworth in yourself that God has given you. Following is soem info that I found online about living with a narcissist:
  
  1. Create a support system outside of the household. This can be friends and/or a mental health professional. It is important to remain connected with people who will provide you with accurate perceptions of you and your actions.
  
  2
  Maintain contact with the outside world. If you become isolated it is easier to begin accepting his perceptions of you. Additionally, spending time with people who encourage you to feel good about yourself or doing activities that lead you to feel capable will help counteract the negative input you receive at home.
  
  3
  Maintain your self-esteem. A narcissistic husband often will put you down so he can feel better. Due to the nature of a marital relationship, and the close and regular proximity, you may not notice your self-esteem breaking down. Members of your support system can assist you, but only if they know what is going on.
  
  4
  Establish personal boundaries and communicate them to your narcissistic husband. It is important to be consistent in defending these boundaries because if you do not always enforce your limits and personal preferences, he will exploit that fact. If you give in just once, it could lead him to disregard all of your preferences.
  
  5
  Keep an eye out for danger. It is not standard for a narcissistic husband to be violent, but he is already in an abusive pattern via insults and disrespect, so it can happen. He could be building toward violence if his behavior begins to escalate. If you maintain healthy relationships with the outside world and/or regularly see a mental health professional, you will notice if he suddenly becomes more possessive and controlling, his verbal abuse increases, his criticism intensifies, he requires control of all finances or if he isolates you from family and friends.
  
  I am currently seeing a counselor to walk through my co-dependency in enabling my narcistic husband, AGAIN. Yes, its easy to fall back into old thinking patterns, so I have to have refreshers every so often. Good luck.
  
  Blessings to you!
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