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Recognizing the Warning Signs and Ending an Unhealthy Relationship Print E-mail

 

Hi Maria,

I have been glued to your website all day since finding it this morning, and thanks to your articles I have now finally made the decision to leave my husband. My story is so similar to the stories I read on your website.

I met my husband ten years ago, I wasn't really that interested in him- I think subconsciously I saw the warning signs very early on but just did not want to admit them. He pursued me fanatically, came across as a person who would and could love me unconditionally until the day I died. In fact after four years together when he whisked me off for a romantic, surprise, marriage proposal, I had serious doubts whether to accept, believing that he perhaps loved me more than I loved him, but I was so wrapped up in how much he appeared to love me, I believed he was a safe bet, someone who would be there for me and adore me always...

So in spite of my doubts I married him, and for the first few years of marriage things were OK- he had exhibited a range of problem behaviours as long as I had known him, never helping with the house work, watching far too much tv, needing sex all the time, he also had a very aggressive manner when drunk, never getting violent but often getting verbally aggressive and flying into drunken rages- but whenever he behaved badly he always came back with flowers and apologies and promises to be better, and I got sucked in every time. His motto however seems to be 'I'll do it tomorrow' with his preferred way to spend time engrossing himself in films, going out drinking, watching porn, having sex, generally getting pleasure without having to do any hard work. He always went back to his old ways.

I fell pregnant and gave birth to our beautiful child. My husband had been hesitant about trying for a family, he had said he wanted us to be more financially stable and to be in a better house, but I felt that this was all just putting off something I really wanted, I felt my biological clock ticking, we had been together for several years by this point and both had well paid jobs and good prospects. I had been wanting to try for a baby for over a year and he had said he wanted a family and so I didn't understand the reasons for waiting.

The moment I told my husband I was pregnant he changed. Almost overnight he became cold and distant, he gave me no help with the house work or pregnancy.He was working in a job that took him away for several weeks of the year and he was regularly away for up to four weeks, when he was he rarely called me and made only the smallest effort to stay in touch, never answering my calls or emails. I knew he had made a group of friends out there who he went out with almost every night drinking but he always promised me he was never unfaithful. 

I gave birth and my husband although present at the birth was completely absent- he played on his phone and ignored me most of the tme, and when I gave birth he refused to hold the baby, and went home leaving me alone and absolutely terrified. He was late coming to the hospital to pick me up and gave me no help with feeding or getting any rest once home, 24 hours after the birth I was at home cooking and cleaning for him as normal.

Things went from bad to worse then, he flew into a drunken rage and attacked me. I had bruises all up my arms the next day from trying to stop him. He trashed our house in a drunken rage, breaking my things that he had bought for me. After all this I still stayed with him, as he always promised to change and make amends and I thought it was what was best for my little child, that we stay as a family.

Nearly a year ago I was unpacking his suitcase following a recent business trip, and I find a pair of woman's underwear in his bag. I confront him and he admits an affair with a girl out there, although to this date he refuses to admit how long it lasted and claims it was only a few months, had been 'just sex' and he had never done it before. I believed his insistence he would change again and agreed to try and save our marriage. He then lost his job and has still never fully explained why. He has spent the last several months hanging around the house doing pretty much nothing whilst we got into huge debt. Things have been strained ever since I found out, he still hasn't really changed and we just argue all the time- I'm desperately trying to get admission of guilt and remorse from him and he just throws back arguments in my face and twists the situation so it all seems like my fault- he never says sorry and he never admits blame for anything. Most of the time he acts bored, nonchalant and moody. On the occasions he is loving and happy with me it is because he is getting something he wants like sex or praise about how awesome he is.

Reading your articles has finally made me see the light. It's strange, my family and friends have been telling me for years and I just didn't want to see it or admit it even, but a day reading your articles and it just feels sooo good to realise that I'm not alone, that other people are going through the same thing, and it makes me feel strong and like I can leave, and WILL! I'm not sure the best way to go about leaving. I want to leave the house which I hate and start a fresh but worried as the house and bills are in our joint name that he just won't pay and by the time we get divorced he will have got me into financial trouble. If I ask him to leave I know he won't and that he may get nasty. I know it's possible he could turn into an evil asshole and I want to try and keep this as civil as possible for the sake of my child and my sanity!

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated!

Thank you so much for this website, I feel hope for the first time in ages!

 

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email, I am so happy to hear that this website has been helpful for you in your situation. Yes, it is very helpful to know that the problems you are experiencing in your relationship are not "unique" but that instead there are many people who are dealing with the very same issues. It is amazing how similar many of the stories on this website are, when you read them you see the same key elements over and over again.

One of the most alarming sign or a narcissistic person is the lack of empathy towards one's spouse (to read more about the signs or narcissism, see page Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Normal people have a so-called "empathy-break" that prevents them from behaving in ways that they know are causing pain to people around them. Narcissistic people appear to have severe flaws in the functionality of this empathy-break, hence making it possible for them to behave in cold and uncaring manner.

One of the most important tasks of this website is to help people who are dealing with narcissistic spouses to see what most likely awaits at the end of the road and hence help them to make the decision to leave sooner. Many times when people are unaware that they are dealing with a narcissistic person they blame themselves for the problems in their relationship and keep trying to make things work, wishing that their partner will eventually change his/her ways. It is not uncommon for people to stay in a relationship with a narcissist for years before finally being able to break free. Unfortunately a narcissistic person can only rarely change, and so eventually one must ask oneself if one wants to spend the rest of one's life dealing with this kind of a person. If one knows there is no hope that the spouse will change his/her ways, it is easier to make the decision to leave.

The difficulty of letting go of one's dreams keeps one glued to a toxic relationship

The most difficult part is to give up on hope of having the relationship of our dreams with that particular person. Holding on to that dream is what is keeping us glued to a bad relationship. Once we are certain that we are never going to have that dream relationship with that particular person, it is much easier to leave, for who would deliberately choose a life filled with suffering and pain. In order to reach this goal it is very helpful to read stories of others who are having similar issues: Many people who have shared their stories on this website have been dealing with a narcissistic person for several decades and yet no improvement has occurred. Reading their stories is very helpful for those who have not been in a relationship with a narcissist for so long, for it can give them the courage to leave earlier. Dear Friend, thank you so much for sharing your story, by doing so you are helping others who are still struggling to make the decision of leaving.

It is very important to remember that it is never too late to leave a toxic relationship. Many people have told me that they did not know anything about narcissism before visiting this website, and after learning what they were dealing with they finally were able to break free. Many have written to me telling that after they finally left, they have found peace of mind and are able to enjoy their life again. So just because one has been together with a narcissist for decades it does not mean one should spend the rest of one's life in an unhealthy relationship.

I have said this many times in many articles on this website and I wish to say this one more time to all those who are reading this reply: If you are dealing with a narcissistic person and if your relationship is causing you stress and depression rather than happiness and other positive feelings, I strongly urge you to walk away. Do not waste your life trying to change a narcissistic person; the will to change must come from within and unfortunately narcissists are seldom able to see any fault in themselves. You only have this one life, you deserve to be treated with respect and love instead of spending your years in agony and depression.

Dear Friend, I am so glad that you have made the decision to leave this man who clearly is unable to make you happy and take your feelings into account. You said you were not sure what is the best way to leave (due to house bills and other reasons). Yes, you need to consider carefully what is the right way to proceed instead of making fast decisions that you might regret later.

You are facing various challenges, but the most important thing is that you have made the decision to leave. From now on your husband has much less power over you in mental sense. Now you know what kind of a person you are dealing with and you can free yourself from the guilt and false hopes that he might change his ways. You have been together for such a long time that you know this man quite thoroughly by now, in both good and bad. Past behavior often predicts future behavior, and based on everything you mention in your letter, it is not very likely that this man is able to all of a sudden start to see things from your side and take your feelings into account.

Narcissists are often unable to admit their mistakes or apologize

You wrote: he never says sorry and he never admits blame for anything. The ability to admit one's mistakes and to apologize is crucial in a relationship, for hearing a sincere apology the only way the insulted spouse can get over the problematic incident and move on. If the insulted spouse does not receive a proper apology, he/she cannot tell himself that the misbehaving spouse is actually sorry of his actions and realizes that he/she has made a mistake.

If one cannot convince oneself that one's spouse regrets for example cheating, it is very hard to convince oneself that cheating will not happen again. For this reason it is very important to sincerely apologize after any wrongdoing in a relationship. Your husband appears to be lacking this very basic ability, hence making it impossible for you to move past the problems he has created with his behavior. His behavior during your pregnancy and after the child was born sounds very cold and uncaring, no one should experience such treatment during what should be the happiest time of one's life. Furthermore, you said your husband has attacked you physically. Physical violence is always a serious warning sign that should not be ignored. Your decision to walk away is undoubtedly the right one.

Have you been to see a lawyer regarding the details of your house bills and divorce (should you wish to proceed with your plan)? If you have not, I encourage you to go to see one. It will make you feel more in control of the situation when you know exactly where you stand legally. A lawyer can give you practical suggestions as to how to proceed towards your goal of leaving without allowing your husband to ruin you financially or cause other problems.

Dear Friend, stay strong! The most important step is already taken: You have realized that your husband is most likely not going to change, that the situation is not your fault and you have finally made the decision to leave. My thoughts are with you, I wish you are able to start a new life in your own home soon. Please write to me anytime you wish, I am here for you and I wish to help you any way I can to get you through this difficult time in your life.

Warm hug,

Maria

 

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to  This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it


 

Comments (10)
  • Sunnyside  - Where do I go from here?
    I found this website as I was trying to figure out what my husbands issues were. We went to counseling a few times but he always seemed to put on the charm and it seemd like I was the crazy one. I even told the last counselor how my husnabd was on dating websites and texting women he met online and on fb, and she asked me if he wasn't allowed to have friends. ??
    We have been married for 14 years and have two children. We were separated for about a year, living in separate households, although we were still seeing eachother on occasions. He was also seeing other women I came to find out. On one occasion when he came to my home, he talked his way into spending the night with me. When he left my daughter noticed that he had taken a push pin and put it through a picture of me, right in the face. When my Mother passed away, he was not there for me at all. When My sisters husband killed himself, he said "well it's proabally for the best" no emotion, no sympathy. He called me one day to say that he no longer wanted to be separated, he wanted his marriage back and his family together. Because I was struggling financially since he was not paying me any support for our children, and thought maybe there was a chance to make it work, I left my apartment and broke the lease. I would find out soon after about all the online stuff, and even after a year of being back together and his promises to change, things are still the same. He puts me down daily, My hair, my make up, the way I made his lunch or his coffee, he will insinuate that I used to run around with other men, he will do this in front of our children. He will agressivley grab my breast or try and lift my skirt in front of our children. He told me recently after he had been texting on his phone for most of the morning and I had given him a look of dispair, "Oh there it is that look, that makes me want to cut yout throat from ear to ear" He has filled the house with guns and knives, and that has started to concern me. He spends money like crazy on frivolous things, but when the gas bill is due or the cable bill, he freaks out about paying it. My registration on my car has been up for six months, and I dare not mention it because he will freak out. But then he turn around and buy an $800 banjo which he doesnt even know how to play, or a $2500 mountain bike, that he never rides. This past Valentines day, I bought him a card and abox of chocolates. He did not get me anything, not that I'm suprised, I didn't get anything for Christmas either. I know that Im a good Mother, a good partner, a good friend and a good person that deserves to be treated with love and respect. I just do not know how to go about making my escape, I do not want to waste another year with this man. Oh and he told me that if I leave him, I will not a see a dime of his money. I have had the same job for 15 years, but he makes about three times what I make, and I do not make enough to get a place, pay my car payment and keep the lights on.
  • Alice  - It's like a Duck calling himself a Turkey..he migh
    I didn't know what it was, or what to call him..i just knew, something was very very wrong with my now ex-husband before I decided to leave him for good.
    I had suffered 12 years of agonizing abuse, all forms of it since the very beginning, it just kept getting worse and worse with time. there was never enough praising him, or telling him how great he was..he had to be told that all the time.What i got was, beatings and rages..in the public he would go into a very irate attack on me.
    He had changed the Bible around, too suit his terms and conditions...i had no rights as a wife or woman..the Bible said i was to be quiet and listen to my husband..be loyal and be subjected to him.my needs, what needs..?i was put here to please him, make him feel good, praise him and tell him how wonderful he is, how great he looks and feels!After about 3 attempts to leave him, i went back. i had never regretted such a thing in all my life, except ever meeting him.I would dwell on ways to plan an escape from him and his horrific abuse.Any love i had for him, was long..long gone away, replaced with hatred.In the summer of 2001, the shit hit the fan, and went everywhere.It had been my breaking point, i had enough of him and all of his family...who was just like him!of course, the great escape had to be planned around him..because life evolved around him and his wants.i convinced him to go to somewhere, my sisers house...acted like i was going to borrow some money..because he sure wouldn't support his family at all.I had to be safe, around others who would support me in such a scary thing as leaving him.We walked into my sisters home, set down..i called him in the back room.I told him straight face to face, I wasn't going to go anywhere with him..it was all over between us. all hell broke loose, he tried to go all crazy on me and drag me to the car..the police got called, i fought him off and so did my family.he screamed, went into a man tantrum..rage, threatened them for helping me..cursed me to everything he could.then, he demanded I go with him..after all of that hell he just raised? All those names he called me, why would he want to be with me if I were so bad, I ask him? Why would anyone want to demand a whore, bitch...slut to leave with them, be their wife?I was all of those things when he found out I wasn't leaving with him, or when he had me under his rule..which was over then!he couldn't even try faking being nice to win me back, no!1 he continued with the same behavior as always..that wasn't very encouraging.I always thought you got more flies with honey than vinegar? guess he thought he could intimidate, threat..harass me into going back..cause he kept it up for 2 years almost.After that day, i have seen him one time..that was in the very beginning.I haven't seen him since,no regrets ever in my decision. i felt so bad those times i had left him..and went back. that feeling of freedom, than i go back to that life?I knew, if i could make it out alive..i would leave him for good..it would be no more regrets..none like that anyway.I found this site, seen and read how narcissistic husbands are..and now i know what it was i was dealing with.These people are evil, in every way. They are here to hurt you, it makes them feel good about themselves..They will blame you for everything, call you the crazy one and tell people you're crazy!!They aim to make themselves look like they are dealing with someone out to get them, or hurt them..when it's them whose doing those things.I later heard my now ex-husband was going down the prostitute corner, in our town...calling himself preaching the bible to them,after words leaving with one to have sex with!he always tried to say that God had special plans for him"preaching" he was the pure devil, yet he tried to hide behind Jesus.I found this to be just another parts of his mental issues.He is also 'color struck", he's an African American who refuses to admit his race, calls himself an American Indian.This just goes along with him...and his family thinking they are better than others..they are not black they claim, even though it's who they are.They think by being Indian, than a a step above being African American.A relative of theirs has wrote a book about this very subject. he admits the problem in his book,yet he's educated..my husband is just ignorant and prejudiced..against his own self!They really do have a false sense of who they are..even when it's starring at them in the mirror!
  • Georgia  - Breast Cancer and Married to a N
    Maria,


    Thank you for your site. I need this right now. I had left my husband when I found out he was cheating on me after two years of marriage. We were married for 8 years. He then said that he would try to work on the marriage when I found out. Fat chance! After five years of seeing this woman at Starbucks every Saturday and Sunday morning after his workout, he told me one day he could not stand for me to touch him. I felt so hurt. I should have known, but I was too giving and loving. We decided to separate and I moved out into my own apartment. As soon as I moved out, he started. He was the playboy, not just seeing this woman, but other women as well. He gave me that line that I was the only woman who loved him for who he really was. He use to cry all the time until I finally realized it was all a ploy. I found out also that while we were supposedly working on our marriage with a therapist that he was still seeing the woman. He was also talking to his ex-girlfriend and I found an email where he said to her "if I wasn't married I go out with you too". This was right after my birthday where he took me to the city, and paid for a hotel and took me out on a night on the town. Well, to keep it short. After I moved out I found out I had breast cancer. This is a small town and everyone knows everyone. I also found out that with the help of his first ex-wife and his girlfriend that they were trying to get rid of my off his insurance. I was in for the fight of my life. He also blamed them for all his decisions which I knew was a lie. I was sick one time from chemo and I had asked him to come over and move my car from one side of the street to the other. He refused and told everyone that I was trying to get him back. Yeah, right. I was trying to get him back, incapacitated and nauseous from chemotherapy. I am still trying to fight for my life with this dirt bag! The funny part is that he saw me with one of my male colleagues at a one of his performances (by the way he is a musician) and he kept sitting down in front of him, just daring him to say something. I had to apologize to my friend and I told him not to disrespect my friend again. He has a girlfriend who constantly follows him around to make sure he does not talk to any other women, but tonight she was not there. I am ordering your book. I need to get rid of this man and quickly, but he was won't let me go. I am glad I found your website. Thank you.
  • Jay - for Maria
    It's a while now Maria since I escaped from my relationship with a narcissist. Several of your topics resonate with me - this is one of them.

    I check into this site every so often - it's nine months since I escaped. Reading this story, and its responses, still chimes with me.

    Please people, take on board what is said in the reply to the original post. Holding on to a toxic dream is counter-productive, it's never too late to leave and if your relationship is causing stress and depression then walk away.

    It's nine months since I got away. I won't claim it's been easy - not because I long for my narcissistic relationship but because it's not a piece of cake to start your life over without a relationship which is an addiction.

    Notwithstanding this,I am more fulfilled than I have ever been. I am me, not the shadow of my narcissistic spouse. Thinking, and decision making, independent of the fear of his judgements and the repercussions of not living my life according to the distorted values of a narcissist.

    So take heart, do not expect an easy ride, face your fears and run. It is worth it, for your long term happiness and fulfillment.

    Good vibes to you all.
  • Christina Bond  - Narcissists or Psychopath-



    I am glued to this and absolutely defeated and mentally depleted. I once was a passionate woman, motivated and loved to enjoy everything life had to offer.

    Forward to 6 yrs later, now here I sit in utter disbelief, feeling numb, cold, filled with hopelessness and despair for any form of normalicy to return for me and my two young children.

    Much to my disgust, I have seen a pattern that he uses Christianity as a guise for his manipulation.

    Hes quite versed on Bibilical quotes that will support any argument he choses to throw at you, it just takes a little twisted and turner of the words. Lately it appears that it is comments regarding Christians should never divorce that God doesn't agree with it.

    He inadvertantly pushed the message loud and clear that is why he stays. Not to get off on a side conversation on religion, but REALLY????????????? Blah blah blah.....I am quite certain he doesn't Adore all the porn, emotional abuse and infidelity administered by him that I have endured for years.

    I literally have questioned quite frequently if I was losing my sanity. I could barely remember where i would put anything, I was starting to doze off in mid sentence, I was neglecting my boy and as I was not eating, sleeping, barely could do simple daily tasks at some points. Just rolling out of bed some days, was a large defeat.

    I met him through a church function and that was the beginning of but he had been exercising his daily routine of surfering the internet for perspecitives. I was elated to have met a guy that shared the same faith, a good head on his shoulders, he could relate to being in recovery and addiction. I was impressed by his ability to hold intellectual conversations and he actually was different...well then most of the guys I dated. He had a job and was an officer in the military! Great, for once a guy I was dating was making more or the same as me. I always supported the men I chose too date! It didn't take but maybe (at its best) 3 months before I got this gut feeling there was something very deeply rooted in him that I wasn't/nor going to be privy to if he had his way.

    He seemed like a great guy! After all, he has a degree in Theology/Religion out of all things! So, I was lured in.... almost like he found an autobahn for meeting and establishing a foothold into multiple woman's lives in the most core aspect of her being. Even to this day, when things get so bad, I try and leave and file for separation, he twists and turns quotes and facts to implant that seed of guilt about the children. He loves to hold my disease (alcoholic in recovery) over my head implying that the courts would view me as unfit in comparison to a "Stellar officer" of 14 yrs service in the U.S. Military. (on a side note, he is now being discharged due to an event on last deployment, that I guess that I am not of a need to know basis......hence they didn’t deem mine or my children safety was deemed to be at risk. *SMH* Crazy, don’t get me on that subject.... However, I heard plenty of information from dependable sources as, it was grounds of "fraternizing" with lower ranking under his command. I suppose its a moot point at this rate, as he has well surpassed that level of shocking behavior.

    I cannot sleep well at night, as I feel uneasy, as if darkness and evil is lurking in the house. The nightmares are horrifying! I have been sick for most our marriage with physical ailments and depression/anxiety attacks.
    Which I now attend trauma/PTSD counseling as well as support groups for several things that occurred throughout our marriage. I truly believe he has something evil attached to him...or perhaps is Satan himself.

    I have read on several posts by others about the eyes of a Psychopath and the lack of any soul existing. Its very eerie and unless you have seen it, its hard to understand. In the past, I never could put my finger on it, but there was this frequent uncomfortable sensation around him from the start. He appeared to be not present or engaged in our relationship with body language. Physically perhaps, but in his head....he was mentally adrift.

    He never displayed much emotion in any form. Some situations, left me scratching my head dumbfounded, as most people would be hurt or upset in regards to such events. Sure, sometimes, he became a stage bound thespian and performed a short show of a man who was upset. He would become irritable or say things about how he hurt and was bothered, but never could I say his body language or physical expression of feelings were supporting this claim . He would quickly recoup as if nothing ever happened and he better not be asked about it or he will become angry that of such intrusive questions.

    He claims he has never experienced depression, which floors me. I guess I just thought sometime throughout our lives by mid adulthood, we all have had a day, or perhaps extended time of experiencing it, mild or severe. I suppose this may be distorted thinking on my part, due to my family predisposition to it.

    He doesn't laugh much at all and if he does, its at a rather disturbing earthshaking decibel and the charade appears to require extreme effort on his part. His display of not be engaged in our time together, quickly began to make me feel concerned that he either found someone else or he was just bored being with me. (Later found massive evidence that he was nonstop pursuing women via internet, adult dating sites and chat rooms) May I never have to find out anymore of his deviant sex life. It’s unnecessary, as enough has been shown and well I might just put a camp up in the shower and never come out.

    To this very day, I have not seen him cry once! I suspect I never will. I found this disturbing at the beginning and all throughout the marriage. He remained calm and collected and did not waiver through deployments, deaths, births, loss of rights of a child, etc). I contributed this display to his military career and being trained to adapt to the casualties and requirements of war by extricating mentally as a defense mechanism.

    BUT, I stumbled across information on the net and the more I read, the more I fully engaged in reading more and more!

    The charteristics of someone damned with the Psychopath Personality Disorder defined him perfectly. The description of symptoms and signs were a perfect description of his peculiar behavior. As hard as I tried to muster up some sound explanation, it was to specific, as to which I can't ignore.

    I can relate to a large portion of others experiences and observations I have read. I wasn’t fully in the dark, it has crossed my mind once or twice in the past that he has sociopath behaviors, but I diminished it by telling myself I wouldn't stay with someone like that because I have an educational degree in Psychology and have worked with criminals in the past. He had weird behavior, but no way was this man anything but a Godly man with a little of a rough past. *barf*. Conjuring

    He was smooth, convincing with his implications and yet sometimes blatant accusations that I was paranoid and “needed therapy”. He didn’t deserve such accusations, he was not doing anything wrong. He was well calculated and rehearsed at programming me to be dependent upon him in my “state of mind”. Over time, I found comfort to believe I was probably never going to be mentally at the capacity I once was, but he still loved me!!!! It was less painful to accept this view then I was such a loathing piece of garbage of a human being that even my own husband couldn’t stand me. My self-esteem plummeted and I began to give up my needs, wants, hobbies to fulfill his articulated idea of what a woman’s job is to do for her husband and family The house should be immaculate, laundry completed, dinner on the table and if I had any leftover minutes when done cleaning up, to sit down on a couch in the living room and watch his shows of interest. When he decided it was time to go to bed, I was to head to bed at the same time. For what reason? I could not answer, as he showed no desire for intimacy nor verbal companionship. A nightly routine of a jump into bed a mumbled “nite” and a rollover with his back to me fast asleep. Many nights I would lay there in need of a hug or a kiss, even just a swift touch of his hand on the back of mine. I was lonely and this definitely what I ever imagined marriage would be. Whatever happened to the 7 year itch, we were newlyweds! Is this not supposed to be the best part of the marriage? I had no outlet for adult conversations, I stayed home during the day cleaning and watching kids and David definitely didn’t ever talk to me when he got home from work. I had withdrawn from all my girlfriends due to David expressing dislike for them all, usually stating the were not good for me and were toxic.

    My day had become nothing more then a routine day after day, one that consistently left me feeling deprived of my need and wants.

    worthless, overweight as why would he prefer to be more intimate with cyber women then his own wife and mother of his children. I must do whatever is necessary to appreciate this man as I just couldn’t bear the thought that I was so dysfunctional that it made me unlovable to most men and I better be grateful I was blessed with such a wonderful, Godly man who loved me for me .

    My mother among all my other family members (excluding my father) had became concerned and were not very fond of David. They didn’t reserve their thoughts and freely expressed their opinions to me. , that began to question if I I WAS going crazy, had some nervous breakdown or my family instilled serious trust issues (positive that I do now). He would convince me to debate within myself if I WAS paranoid and he made it quite clear that I was way out of line for even bringing things up about him lying or cheating, when he was innocent. He was so offended!!!

    He is very defensive and would immediately red herring the discussion by redirecting it on me and "my problems". Now his behavior appears to be moving on to the "Gaslighting" techniques of aiming for the outcome of me thinking I seriously am a lost cause.

    I am curious if anyone has read articles or has information on sexual addiction to porn, sites, parlors etc in regards to the personality disorder and due to the lack of empathy for others and hurting them, how related it can be with predatory behavior. I have since heard some pretty disturbing professional input as to which stage he may be in his sex addiction, so I refuse to leave him home or alone with the children. This always strikes up a dispute and him angry. Due to off the wall comments that I have heard in the past from others and from the mouths, I ended up taking my daughter to the ER for a non routine checkup. She has exhibited odd and suggestive behavior that I would not expect to see coming from a 3-4 yr old.
    Of course I was "completely delusional and over reacting." Much to my relief (at the time), he did pass a lie detector test and computers are still being processed through by Military Criminal Investigation Dept. However, as we all probably know most psychopaths will pass with flying colors. I feel the legal system failed me as they refused to keep the investigation going in the civilian avenue when she refused to talk about him, isn't that more of a reason to further it? A child talks and talks but shuts down when they mention daddy?
    I was also told that if I divorced him that I would have no control over the kids and what may happend during his visitations and the accusations still in progress with military CID would not be considered at this point in his rights.
    I feel like the battered wife syndrome poster child. I can't help but think... well what if I am over reacting and he is innocent and it is me that is delusional...... Looping over and over, with short periods of lucidity of the reality of this situation.

    Sorry i made so long , I am just so needing to vent and confused........I am trying desperately to inform myself beyond the ability to have any denial.

    I am curious as to if anyone can tell me if they have read research or other threads on the link between psychopaths and predatory behavior of deviant sex addictions. He definitely did not display this side in our marriage life. TMI, sorry..... but he actually never acted as if he wanted to, it was very clinical..... which I always found odd as he was a sex addict, right?


    I am also very interested about the whole concept of whether Psychopaths are drawn to the military as a career or if they initial conditioning and/or PTSD emulates behavioral and emotional deficiencies that are also present in psychopath diagnosis criteria.

    Has anyone ever saw any reading or studies on any of this ?

    Also just for kickers.... I really am open to hear opinions on his behavior and yes I can take a raw kick to the head for awake up. I want candid honesty. Preferrably done in a constructive manner but I appreciate honesty in a raw form of any kind at this point. My life has been built on one big lie and continues to grow on them.

    u think I am dealing with one? I didn't even say the most of what he does. Like Downloading spyware onto my phones, old computer, putting cameras in house, GPS under my car, stealing my teenage sons condoms from out of the garbage can to head out for a business trip (no they weren't used). the list goes on and on. I dont know where to go, what to do! I am still in that mental disassociation stage they break you down to, where I can barely make 1 and 1 =2.


    INPUT, SUGGESTIONS, EXPERIENCES, HOPES PLEASE!

  • Jay  - For Christina
    Hello Christina

    Your post resonates with me on several levels and I have empathy with you.

    At this point in your relationship I don't think verifying whether your husband is a sociopath, psychopath or narcissist is of fundamental importance. They are labels to help identify behavioural patterns and there are variants in all categories. What is crucial is that you are living with a man who has a severe behavioural disorder which is seriously affecting your life and your perception of yourself.

    I would consider getting away from him of fundamental importance. With the behaviours you describe, I don't understand why he would be given custody of children. I understand that he may be convincing and that his position may help him, however, the stuff you describe is damning.

    You describe your physical and mental state; this is familiar to me - it's where I was a couple of years ago. Exhausted, mentally and physically stressed to the extent that I was only existing. You also describe self-doubts, I've experienced this too. Doubting my own sanity, wondering if it was all in my mind (my experiences were as surreal as yours) and finally realising that my perceptions of myself and my husband's behaviour had been distorted by his persuasive ability to convince me that I was wrong, he was right. Dangerous territory to find oneself in. Confusing and undermining.

    I did get away. It took some time, I needed professional help to stay the course and centre my mind. I am now free and look back on that period of my life with astonishment. That I could have found myself there, that I could have doubted my sanity and been reduced to such a wreck.

    It is recognised that narcissists and psychopaths can tend to the areas of work where authority is automatically granted. There is an article on the internet about pastors falling into this category - I suggest you google a combination of narcissism and pastor, or is my pastor a narcissist in order to find it. The armed forces are also a natural home for them. Sexual addiction is also common in these people - they use sex without intimacy as a way of attempting to fill their emotional void. Everything you write about is familiar to me, it does not shock or surprise me. As I said, it resonates. So take heart, you are not alone, you are not losing your sanity and you are doing very well to be going through this without recommencing drinking.

    Are you sure you have not been brainwashed by him into assuming that you will not be given custody? As you say, it sounds as if he is using gaslighting and reverse finger pointing to distort your perceptions.

    If you choose to try to escape him I would not bring Satan, or God into your argument. These factors do not sit well with authority figures. Just make notes, consult a good lawyer, give undisputed facts, try to keep your emotions out of discussion, centre on his behaviour and your concerns for it effects. Be rational and as unemotional as is possible for you as it sounds as if he is building a case for you being emotionally unbalanced. I don't think you are, your post rings so many bells for me. You need to be astute to get away. I followed the advice Maria gives in her articles and it worked. You'll need patience, savvy and a long-term view to achieve it but it can be done.

    Good luck.
  • Loreana  - Christina Bond
    Christina your email brought emotion and tears. I was married to the same monster (as many on this site use this name to describe the Nar.) I lived your words and felt your pain. I had many friends ask me why I married him.

    For all the hurt the Narcs. throw at us we work harder to make the realtionship work. Because we are conscious caring people.

    I found this websight and to hear the same story as mine - has helped me regain my identity -

    Here I have identified that the words are "love and respect ourselves before we can love others." And every day we have the right to tell someone to go to hell if they are infringing on our rights to respect.

    I would like to add that the personality and career test directed the ex. to the Military. He also had the same weird laugh horribly high pitched and he always leaned forward when laughing. He had the same mannerism and body language as the person you are writting about. He was bloody scary at times and then so charming. I never knew where I fit in.

    He put a wall around my family as yours did. Every time I applied to University to finish a degree he would use his charm to convince me not to. He disliked all my friends and his friends were always young and single. He could not hang out with men who matched his age, education or his athletic skills becuase they challenged him and he needed the Nar. feed from the people he deemed subordinate.

    I had very early internal warnings about the ex. I ignored them. They came true.

    Our divorce trial (he took me to court) was lies and manipulation. Everything has to be verified thru documents or emails, texts, witnesses. Nars. do not care, they tell lies, they create false documentation.

    I was advised to accept the hurt. To not ignore it as the hurt is real. I am glad I did because it made me stronger. On the stand he lied about everything. My Mother passed away and I was the executor. He documented to the courts that I was witholding inheritance. I had to provide documentation showing when my Mother passed away and the Estate was not near Tax Clearance stage. (His documentation showed my Mother passed away four years prior than when she did pass away.) This was one piece of the hurt. One small hurt with many many larger hurts.

    I believe today the ex. I was married to is a Psychopath because the definition of a Narcassist and a Psychopath have differences.

    I relied on friends and family. I talked and talked and talked and read and read. Today I fully get it. I am okay. His belief of me and the years of hearing it is not true. Thank God . Seriously Thank God. It was frustrating, so frustrating as we want to be kind and caring. I am kind and caring today except I am very careful who I am kind and caring to. One thing a Narc. has basically taught me is that selfishness is OK. Its ok to love myself by not allowing anyone to cross my boundaries.

    Christina together we will hold hands and walk out of hell together.




  • nicol constantinou  - god help me.
    i just want to be free; god help me, my father is the same and is constantly trying to tellme how i can be a better wife. My father has been indesent with me from the age of 12 till late in twenties by isolating me. he justifies himself by attacking my mental state. they both do. I have stood up to my father with letters, stating i want boundries; i ve not heard frm him after this; i ve been told he was angry with me. im glad he does not bother me anymore, now i want free of an abusive; cruel husband who is taking up where my father has left off. my mother has passed recently; i must not have this circle of abuse inflicked on my beautiful daughter.
  • angie  - I cant take it anymore!!
    I have been married 8 years and trying to find a peaceful way out for the past 4 years. I can't drive my self to work because he has to drive me and when we are working the same hours I have to get to work early and wait 45 minutes for.him even thought their are two others that he could ride with. He doesnt have drivers license, thatt is just one problem. I have to pay all the bills and buy the groceries. I moved into my own place and then here he comes and just moves in rearranged everything to his liking. He is always questioning me and makes threats before he leaves for work and insinuates I'm cheating and I've found out about another woman just a few days ago and he had gotten so bad its unbearable. Since the beginning he has questioned every move I make why I wash dishes the way I do or mop the way I do and demand I do it his way. I am so afraid of what he will do or what trouble he will cause me that when I leave I never break full contact with him I still let him use my car because the one time I tried he came to the nuring where I work and started shouting and demanding money for his cell phone and my car the fear of loosing my job when I have children to support keeps me giving in and he knows this he is not violent as far asvhitting me but his mouth is bad. He says if I'd listen to him then Wed be happy but I tries that only to find out that he was having other women in the house I guess I could find another job not making what I for now o list don't know what do.h
  • Beverly McEvers  - I am so hurting and confused
    we went to high school together met during class reunion 45 years later we have dated a lot ever since he said he loved me i found a note on his table in the dining room much like he ones he used to write for me only this one was not for my eyes it said something to the effect " I long to touch your skin at the end it said how he knew she would never be his ... when i called him out on it he tried to yell at me and say he wrioe it for me when we both know it could not have been yet he can never admit he did wron or that he was sorry i have been his for 3 years there is a girl at their local rural library he talks about every day she is married & 25 to 35 years old i dont think there is or ever could be physical cheating but the emotional pain of him wanting someone else is unbearable i truly thought he loved me his x wife cheated on him many times i just knew he would never do that to me knowing how the pain of something like that destroys tust and breakes the heart why should i do?
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