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Narcissistic Ex Boyfriend? Print E-mail

 

Hi,

I am not even sure that my story even falls under this subject, to be honest. Maybe once I explain it in this email it can be confirmed one way or the other.

I met my ex on a nite out with my friend. Wasn’t even looking for anyone at the time. Well from then onwards it was constant texts and long phone calls from him. We were long distance, only met every couple weeks.  He told me I was his soul mate, and that he had fallen deeply in love with me after a few weeks of texting and only one date. He asked me to marry him on our second date. I was the love of his life, he had waited all his life to find that special person which apparently was me. He had never felt like this before and wanted to be with me forever. 

I was always the one who did all the traveling. He came up to stay with me once and that was only because I drove tens of miles to pick him up. Never spent Christmas together, Valentines day, my Birthday or any Bank Holidays together. 

When we met up it was always about what he wanted to do and it usually revolved around drinking in pubs. I have never been a big drinker so this was a problem for me as he seemed to be. Then he arranged a date for me to come and see him. Kept texting and saying he was looking forward to seeing me, he had missed me etc. Worst night, might as well not have been there for all the attention he paid me. 

A few days later I finished it with him as I couldn’t handle the hot and cold from him. He continued to text me for a week and decided he would end it. I didn’t understand this as I had already finished it with him. Then a few weeks later he decides he wants to make another go of it and arranged for us to meet up with each other after two weeks. Then cancels it due to being sick apparently, but he was caught out by a friend of mine who seen him out with his mates at a club. I challenged him on this and was told I’m not getting into it now. Rang him the next day and said either he wanted to be with me or not. Said he was happy enough hanging in there, so he arranged a date for me to drive down and see him a few weeks later. This time it wasn’t cancelled. 

No more dates were arranged for the next couple of weeks, but from the start of meeting him, he had invited me down to a weekend event and to stay with his family which I agreed to. So two weeks before this event he had been texting me and everything seemed fine. 

Then complete silence one day. When I texted him later that night to ask why I hadn’t heard from him I was ignored, so I didn’t text again until three days later and said I was looking forward to the weekend event etc. I got a reply the next morning to see that there was no room for me. I immediately rang him and asked what he was playing at. I was then told he was ending the relationship because of my moods swings. I told him he had got that wrong, he was the one that had the mood swings and that I had only been consistent throughout the whole time we were together off and on. I told him that it was over and that he had mental health issues. 

Two weeks later he is in another relationship. Couple months before I ended it he had started ignoring my phone calls and texts for whatever reason. Does this sound as if he was a narcissist or is it just me trying to put a label on how he treated me?


___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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Dear Friend,

Thank you for your letter. It is not possible to know if your ex boyfriend is narcissistic without actually knowing him, however based on your description is sounds like he does not have a very high ability to experience empathy. The way he announced that "there was no room for you" after first inviting you to the weekend event and to stay with his parents sounds quite harsh. You said that two weeks after breaking up with you he already had a new relationship, and that couple months before that he had started to ignore your texts and calls for varying reasons. Of course it is not possible to know what was going on in his mind and in his life, but this does give an impression he was not fully committed and investing in your relationship for quite some time before the final break up.

Another thing that I payed attention to in your letter was the way you described your ex boyfriend behaved in the very beginning of the relationship. You said he started talking about how much be loves you, how you are his soul mate etc after only meeting you one time in person, and that he asked you to marry him on the second date. This sounds very familiar, I tend to hear this kind of description a lot from people who have been in a relationship with a narcissistic person (again I wish to emphasize that it is not possible to know if the man you dated is truly a narcissist without knowing him in person). It is typical for a narcissist to "idealize" the relationship, especially in the very beginning. The way they talk and behave is often like straight out from a romantic movie or a novel: it appears as if they are fully, totally and unconditionally devoted to you, and often insist they have never experienced such strong emotions in their lives. All this overwhelming attention makes is very easy to fall in love with these people. To read more about the traits of a narcissistic person, please see this article: How to recognize a Narcissist.

Then when the problems start to manifest themselves and the level of affection seems to lessen, it is very painful for the "victim", as the contrast to earlier loving behavior is so huge. We get used to all the praise, and little by little we allow ourselves to start to believe that we truly are as perfect match to our partner as they claim we are. We allow ourselves to feel happy, endorphins are rushing around in our system and we feel confident that we truly are going to be with this person "forever", as they keep repeating.

And then, often completely out of the blue, our partner changes, starts to ignore us and criticize us in various ways. All of a sudden we are no longer perfect, instead we got all sorts of flaws, in fact we are very difficult and it is impossible to reason with us and eventually live with us.

Narcissistic people fail to realize that in many cases what they perceive as "mood swings" is in fact the result of their own behavior. I was in a relationship with a narcissistic person and over the years I became severely depressed due to his behavior towards be. Instead of understanding that my sadness was caused by his constant criticism, shouting and devaluing, he used my depression as yet another "reason" why it was so difficult to be in a relationship with me, claiming that if I was "happier and cheerier", he would also be happier in the relationship, and this would result in us having less problems. So, according to his reasoning, the problems were caused by my behavior (me being sad, insecure, depressed etc) and if I only could change myself, things would be better. It is typical for narcissistic people to be unable to recognize any fault in themselves, instead the fault tends to always be in someone else.

Dear Friend, I understand how bad it feels when your texts and calls are ignored, when things are promised and then abruptly cancelled, and in the end you are "thrown aside" and new person is brought in within the matter of just couple weeks. I wish that after re-reading your letter you will see that this man was nowhere near worthy of you, and furthermore, it appears he has a pattern of starting a relationship very quickly, before even properly knowing the other person. I wish this helps you to see that the fault was not in you: you are not "imperfect", instead you met a person who was incapable of being in a balanced, healthy relationship. You deserve to be with someone who values you enough to go through the trouble of traveling to see you instead of asking you always go to them, someone who wants to spend holidays with you and get together more often than every now and then when it is convenient for them.

Dear Friend, you were wondering if your ex boyfriend is narcissistic, or if you are just trying to find a label for him. Labels are not that important, what is important is the actual behavior of the person, and how it is influencing you. Based on your description is quite clear that your ex boyfriend did not treat you with kindness and respect that you would have deserved, and this is big enough reason to walk away from him, as you already did before. Instead of looking back, you can now put all those negative things behind you; you no longer have to put up with this kind of a person, you can now concentrate on finding happiness in your own life. Based on your letter, it seems quite clear that this man could never have made you happy.

Please write to me anytime you wish. You are not alone.

Warm hug,

Maria

 

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to  This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it


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