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Narcissist Cannot Give Any Emotional Support Print E-mail

 

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.

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At one point I had very difficult time in my life due to work-related stress (or so I thought at that time, later I realized my stress was solely related to my negative relationship with a narcissist and constant mental abuse I experienced). I felt very depressed and lonely. At that time a narcissist was not living with me permanently because of his work.

It happened sometimes that I simply could not sleep because of my bad feeling and stress. During those moments I thought it would help me to hear a friendly voice of my man. He was at that time located to such a time zone that when it was night for me it was day for him, so I figured it would not bother him if I call (I made sure it would not disturb his work whenever I called).

One time I called him late at night, telling him I cannot sleep and I feel very down, that I feel like just crying. I said things are really not well with me (I do not say these things lightly. When I say I feel bad it really means I am close to the limit of my endurance). Part of the reason why I felt depressed at that time was because I had recently gone through a surgery and recovery was taking a lot of my energy.

I felt lonely and missed him so I called him to get emotional support when I was lying home alone in bed at night, feeling pain due to the surgery and also feeling sad and lonely. I told him how I felt and his reaction was: "Don't bother me with your problems, deal with it yourself, I am busy now and I will be busy, I don't have time to talk to you, you are being selfish and ignorant when you are bothering me like this, you are not thinking of me, you are only thinking of yourself. You are calling me and disturbing me. It turns me off".

Imagine how it feels like to hear that kind of a talk from someone who should be the closest person to you in the whole world, during the time when you really need emotional support? That kind of conversation took place several times during the years we were together. I told him about some problem I had, hoping to get emotional support (I always gave him my support if he had some problems. In my thinking that is what we do to those who we love... But I guess the trick was that he never really loved me. Nowadays I doubt if he can love anyone). Every time when my narcissistic spouse reacted like that it was so unexpected for me, I was shocked because of his cold, uncaring behavior and felt down for several days. My narcissistic spouse never apologized his behavior in any way, instead he accused me by saying "you get what you deserve, you asked for it, you made me behave like that because of the way you are" etc.

Long path to depression

At that time I did not realize that the real reason for my feelings of depression was this kind of mental abuse I was experiencing very often. Mental abuse is very dangerous since it will affect you very slowly. You may not even realize what is happening before it is too late. I did not realize why I was depressed, all I knew was that I was not feeling well and naturally I tried to talk about my feelings to the person who should be closest to me.

But every time when I told my narcissistic spouse I felt stressed and depressed (that was my desperate attempt to reach out to him when I still thought there was something human in him), he would say "I don't want to be with a woman who gets depressed. I dont like people who have mood swings". He was unable to realize that the reason for my depression and stress was his rude and uncaring behavior towards me. He was accusing me and shouting to me at the time when I needed a warm hug and friendly words. He accused me of "accusing him and trying to make him feel guilty", when I said I wished he would talk to me in a friendly way during those moments when I had difficult time. He said "you don't tell me what to do, what to say and how to behave. You don't control me" etc.

I was so deep in the shadows at that time that I simply did not realize what he was doing to my mental health. Now when I do, I want to warn everyone else so that they could open their eyes in time and break free from an abusive relationship. It takes long time to mend a broken mind. The longer you wait, the longer it takes. If you are in this kind of a relationship, please do not stay in it too long or you end up being permanently wounded mentally.

If you wish to learn about ways I used to teach my mind to let go of my narcissistic spouse, please visit page Recovery After Cheating. If you can control your emotions, it will be so much easier for you to decide what to do with your relationship with a narcissist. You can write to me and tell about your experiences by going to page Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse, Information. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please go to page Site Overview. From Site Overview you can read short description of contents of this site. If you are in a relationship with a narcissistic mental abuser, I believe you will find useful information from this site that will help you to heal. Go to other sections of this site by clicking Main Menu links (upper left bar).

- Maria

Ps. If you wish, you are welcome to read this thread in the discussion forum for more details about my relationship and how I was able to free myself from my narcissistic partner: How I was able to end the relationship with my narcissistic spouse.

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (8)
  • |2009-10-15 00:07:20 Krista
    Maria, I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I am in a relationship with a guy who is behaving the same way. I have been depressed and on medication for 2 years now. I did not realize he is a narcissist... Thanks for posting your story. It has helped me to see the light.
    Reply
  • |2009-11-18 00:20:18 ChellaBlue
    I know exactly how you feel Krista ~ I just had my doctor increase my medication because I feel so awful. Hang in there!! :D
    Reply
  • |2009-10-23 17:26:38 maria
    Dear Krista,

    Thank you for your message. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I really wish things will improve and that you could find your happiness again. It is never too late, I wish you find the strength to break free! I know how hard that can be... Please feel free to write to me (you can send email to me by using the link above), I wish to help you any way I can. Warm thoughts and a big hug, Maria
    Reply
  • |2009-12-09 15:15:10 Mick
    I was married to one of these for a few years. NEVER AGAIN!! She was very nice when we met, but changed a bit when our relationship became more established. My house became 'her' house almost as soon as she moved in, instead of 'our' house. She would go on about how much she had contributed to the house, without being specific, even though she paid nothing towards it financially, and didn't do all that much in it.

    The big changes occurred though, once we were married. She would threaten to leave me if I didn't do what she wanted, sometimes a couple of times a week. She became very abusive whenever challenged, or criticized, however gently. She used to wind herself up into rages, after the smallest of disagreements. She started to drink heavily when our baby daughter was about a year old. If a friend of hers came round to take her out somewhere and I was looking after the baby, she would make sure that just before she left, she would give me some pointless last minute instructions, the sort of thing you would tell an idiot, so that her friend thought she did all of the parenting. In reality, it was me that looked after the baby most of the time, after the breast-feeding had finished.

    She used to blame me for her own feelings because she would say that if she didn't love me, that she wouldn't be feeling bad, therefore it was my fault. Our sex life was dreadful- two or three times a year, with no pattern to it whatsoever. She used to try to make me jealous, and then, if I became insecure, she would throw herself into a rage about it. Many, many times she accused me of being unfaithful, or of being interested in someone else. I was faithful. She used to sulk, sometimes for days, and with no rhyme or reason that I was aware of. I was afraid to ask why, for fear of a violent response.

    Sometimes I used to come home after a hard day's work, and she would have cooked dinner for herself and my step-daughter, but not for me, without any apparent reason. Many times she stood in front of me, waving her finger a few centimeters from my face. Once she picked up a metal- framed kitchen stool and waved that in front of my face, threatening to hit me with it, after working herself up into a rage over something trivial.

    She tried many times to sabotage the relationship, and in the end, I gave up trying to save it. When she said she was going to move back to the area she grew up in, I told her I wasn't coming with her. A few weeks later, she engineered an argument out of nothing, flew into a rage, and attacked me while I was feeding our daughter her dinner, grabbing me round the throat, and hitting my head against a wall repeatedly, and at the same time, she was swearing and shouting abuse at me and threatening my family, who had always been nice to her. She attacked me again a few minutes later, in a different room. I didn't fight back, or even try to defend myself as this would have given her a license to escalate things further. She was arrested by the police for these assaults. Next day she came back and absconded with my baby daughter (who was closer to me than to anyone else), and my 11 yr old step-daughter, who has since gone to live with her natural father.

    During my relationship with her, I became increasingly stressed, developing white patches in my facial hair. These have now disappeared. I still have trouble sleeping 9 months later. I know I have yet to get myself back to normal, though I am making progress. I have found writing this email therapeutic and would encourage others to also do this. Thank you for reading my words.
    Reply
  • |2009-12-09 15:20:49 Maria
    Dear Mick,

    Thank you for sending your story. I am sorry to hear what you have been through. It takes time to get over an abusive relationship. Usually it takes about 1-2 years to recover after depression. It takes about as much time to get over the trauma caused my mentally abusive relationship, often even longer. You are right that writing about one's experiences will help. I am glad you found my website and shared your story. Reading about your experiences will help others who are struggling with these same issues.

    Dear Friend, please be patient, it will take some time but eventually you will be alright. The brain has an amazing ability to heal itself. You can read more about this topic from page link:http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/cheating-and-infidelity/recovery-after-cheating.html The most important thing is that you have now gotten rid of the element in your life that was making you feel miserable (your narcissistic wife). Now the quality of your life will start to improve, slowly these sad memories will sink into the past and the day will come when you are able to feel happiness again. That is the way we humans are built: We may bend, sometimes very badly, but we will not break easily. Dear Friend, you are stronger than you think. You will survive this!

    Please feel free to write to me if you wish to get more feedback regarding your situation. I would be happy to help you to get through this. Please do not hesitate to write. You find my email address above.

    Warm hug,
    Maria
    Reply
  • |2010-03-06 09:00:34 Annie  - Help!!
    Maria, Thank you so much for starting this site. I'm trying to figure out if the man that I love is a narcissist and I really need your advice. I fell in love with this man ten years ago, I was twenty years old and he was twenty two. I ended up leaving him because he kept telling me that he had to hang out with his ex-girlfried because she was threatening to kill herself if he didn't. I started to feel confused and crazy around him. He would say as soon as I can get her to leave me alone then we can be together.

    I am now thirty years old and we have been in a long distance non relationship (but he won't tell me he won't sleep with other women) for almost two years now. I live about three hours away from him. May '09 was the last time I have seen him because he works two jobs as a nurse and an EMT (he is in debt). He tells me that he works everyday and can't take days off to see me. Whenever I call or text him he usually never responds so eventually I just stopped. I always know that I will hear from him anyway.

    Times I have spent with him I have seen displaced anger. Especially any small jokes at his expense. He has called me names and his favorite thing to call me is crazy. Since May the only thing he ever wants to talk or text about is rough sex. I told him that I didn't want to do this with him anymore in the beginning of February because I was tired of him being unloving and rude to me. He called me a nut job and told me to leave him alone. So I did.

    On Valentines day he called and told me that he missed me. He was nice for about a week when the deviant sex talk started happening again. He has this thing where he wants to be rough with me and actually says he wants to rape me. I just go along with what he says to make him happy, I guess.

    Anyways, he actually agreed to see me last Tuesday. Of course I am always the one that has to take days off work to go and see him, but I was so happy because I had been missing him so much. I went and got my hair and makeup done, bought a cute new outfit and sat and waited by the phone. He never called. Eventually I texted him and asked if he had forgotten about our plans. He said no but that he had never heard from me so he thought I was busy. I had only been talking to him about how excited I was to see him for two weeks. I feel like this was just another one of his mind games.

    I have been crying for three days now. Yesterday I told him how hurt I was and that I couldn't stop crying. His response... that is your choice. I told him that I loved him and that I really needed him and he ignored me. He texted a crude sex message a few hours later which I ignored. I really don't know what to do at this point. I love him more than anything and yet I can't even tell you why. I am so sick of staring off into space, over analyzing every situation to death. Can you please tell me if he sounds like a Narchissist? Thanks so much!!
    Reply
  • |2010-03-06 09:28:15 Maria
    Dear Friend,

    Thank you for your message. I do not know if this man is narcissistic or not, however what is certain is that he is very unpleasant, mentally abusive person. The way he talks to you and the way he treats you is very degrading. You said you are the one who is always taking the days off to go to see him, not other way around. You are making sacrifices like that for this relationship and what you get in return is rude talk, ignorance and coldness.

    You have clearly told this man you love him, and his reaction is ignorance. Dear Friend, ask yourself could you ever treat a person you love that way. No, you could not. This man does not love you. It can be that he is incapable of loving anyone. You on the other hand love him very strongly, even thought you said you cannot name the reasons why you love him. That is because these is nothing in him to love. You are in love with the image you have created of this person on your mind so many years ago. Because you have not been able to really spend time with him (due to a long distance relationship), you have not been exposed to reality (to his true personality) and you have been able to keep your dream image of him alive.

    It is important that you realize it is the DREAM IMAGE you are in love with. You are not in love with this rude, cruel, impolite and cold person who is treating you very badly and sending you insulting text messages to satisfy his own twisted desires. Even if a person is fantasizing of rape (people can fantasize about the weirdest things sometimes, without being mentally disturbed), it is very thoughtless and impolite towards one's partner to mention about such a thing. Rape is all about control and putting the other person down, the ultimate humiliation. It is very alarming sign if this kind of a fantasy is dominating your boyfriends thoughts. It is even more alarming that he is letting you know this. He clearly does not think of your feelings and what is best for you. He only thinks of himself. He keeps you hanging there for him, but he does not want to come to see you and have a normal relationship.

    Dear Friend, I understand you when you say you love him. But it seems very clear without the doubt that this man does not love you back the same way. Please do not waste your life loving someone who does not deserve your love and does not love you back. You deserve so much better that that!!!

    Hug,
    Maria
    Reply
  • |2010-03-07 03:33:07 Annie  - Thank You!!!
    Maria,

    Thank you so very much!!!! Your words have rung so TRUE!!! Your letter has cleared my vision that has been so very blurred. He is NOT the person that I so desperatly want him to be. He is smart, he knows how he treats me.

    The addiction to him has had a strong hold over me for years now. I refuse to keep putting myself through this. I am breaking off contact starting now and when I feel weak I will have your letter to re-read.

    I want you to know that I think you are an amazing person for helping me and so many others during their darkest times.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

    Annie
    Reply
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