Healing After a Narcissist

Letter of Anonymous

When I saw the photos yesterday all the old feelings came back with a bang. Breakdown, nervousness and anxiety hit me like running at full tilt into a wall. I haven't been able to eat since. What's so wrong?

Jealousy - that she has his time and attention, maybe they're having sex, maybe he's being loving with her

Severe disappointment - that he's not contacted me to go and be with him

Rejection - if really he wanted me he would have contacted me so he doesn't want me, which hurts so very much

Loss - I miss being with him, with A and having the crazy life

Reasons to be cheerful

Do you really think that she's having a good time? He will be ignoring her probably, treating her like shit and generally making her feel bad. Is this what you want? Do you want to descend into chaos again? It made you very ill, which is all he does for you. He doesn't have the capacity to care about anyone but himself, and has treated you appallingly, problems or no.

Remember all the bad times, which was all the time. From the day you met him, your downward spiral commenced. It was Tuesday 4th November 2003. You were sat at the internet, updating your web page and checking emails. That was that, the lies and deceit began from the very first second. You followed him around, too ill to have any choice in what you were doing. The pain of seeing him with other women all the time started things off, and it just went from bad to worse.

Since I last saw him...

It is 341 days.

11 months, 6 days.

29,462,400 seconds.
491,040 minutes.

8184 hours.
48 weeks and 5 days.

All that time together, 4 and a half years, 5 and a half since you met him, and he never did one good thing for you. Remember the severity of the loss, pain, anxiety, constant rejection, worry, stress, grief, frustration, everything that words simply cannot describe. The way he would ignore you walking down the street, walking off without a thought for you. Seeing you dissolve with pain and tears in front of him, and him not responding at all, just saying you brought it on yourself. The constant lying, the finding out of the lies, the stress that caused you.

What was it all for? For you, you loved him and were desperate to have a life with him, get married and be loved. He fulfilled a need in you, that gaping hole that has been present all your life, which makes you depressed, sad and utterly despondent. The high feeling of being with him, everyone looking, being adored, basking in his reflected glory, that certain something that all those situations gave you, this is what you miss. The pull on your heart towards him physically, he was perfect for you, your Adonis, a perfect body. But his imperfect soul nearly killed you.

He was cruel in his withdrawal of affection, even though you begged him for it. He asked you to marry him and didn't buy you a ring. He lied constantly and God only knows what he was saying to his wife all the time. Who knows? He was probably buttering her up, keeping her dangling, just like he did with you.

I definitely do not want to go back into a situation where all the old feelings come back. And they would, no doubt about it. He would be off being secretive again, not letting me know what he's saying to his wife, not sharing his emotions or affections with me, demanding sex but never giving of it. He would be hard, cruel and non-responsive to my demands for love. He would appear with money and I wouldn't have a clue where he'd been or what he had done to get it. I wouldn't know if he was with other women or not, and even if I asked him he would become defensive and angry. And I couldn't trust anything that came out of his mouth. I just wouldn't know.

And the frustration of not being able to be married to him and have the relationship I wanted with him would make things even worse again. His bad time-keeping, his total disregard of what I wanted to do that day, would all make me ill again. He would keep me waiting while he does his business, oblivious to me and what I want of being of any importance at all. I wouldn't be able to do the things I enjoyed unless I paid for them. He would never give me any money, never pay me back what he owed me, what he said I could have. He would be stealing all the time, expecting me to cover for him and to steal with him. That would make me so ill again. And he wouldn't care how much it was hurting me. And all the time he would be thinking how he could get his family back, not caring that he would have to hurt me in the process. I would be jumping back into the fire and would regret having started anything with him again.

Okay, she has him for now, but would you wish that on your worst enemy? It's only for the children, even though you're scared that deep down he still loves her and wants to be with her, but that can't be true as he cares for nobody but himself. Would you really want to be in her position? No is the definite answer to that. But even though he's with her now, she isn't happy. She knows he's had countless women besides her and she knows he doesn't love her and only wants the children. That's why she's so angry with you, because you had a part of him that she could never and will never have. And he's still very distant with her, she sees that and how much he's changed since knowing me, he doesn't want to know her any more. The jealousy that she feels is far, far deeper and more cutting than mine. I had him, as much as he would ever be able to give of himself, for 4 and a half years. She's never had him, except through the children, and she knows that. Which is why she's so ferocious.

You deserve to be treated like a queen and all that comes with it.

What would have to change to be back with him:

1) He has to give me the money he owes me before we even start to talk
2) He has to prove he really wants me back
3) He has to chase me and deserve me to even give him the time of day
4) The lies have to stop forever
5) He has to start earning my trust in him
6) He has to start responding to what I want
7) He has to answer me when I speak to him
8) He has to want to share his life with me, everything we have together is ours
9) He has to divorce his wife and be totally transparent about the whole situation
10) I have to become equal to him in what I want and need
11) He has to start taking care of my emotions

Do you need to go on? Look at that list, it will never happen, because he is who he is. He will never change and he is poison for all those who get close to him. You were the best thing that ever happened to him, incomparable with anything else which has ever passed through his life. And he couldn't do one thing to make you happy. What does that say about him? It says that he is incapable, not able to ever do anything good for anyone else. He doesn't deserve your loyalty or love. He knows it too, he knows you deserve much better and are a great thing for him. But he can't act upon it. This is one fucked up person, who will only destroy your sanity and feed off your goodness, like a vampire. He did love you as much as he was able, that's the whole point. That was as good as it was ever going to get, and he knew it, he felt inadequate beside you and your ability for compassion. He's not capable. Pity the poor people who will come into contact with him in the future, pity the women who get entangled with him.

Think of all the bad things you know he's done to other people and that will give you the measure of him. You got off lightly, and that was only because he loved you so much.

The girl who came to see him and he took her virginity then threw her out
The family he called and told their daughter was dead
The girls he shouts at in the street calling them fat
The people he's held up with a gun
The pain and misery he's caused by stealing from people
The people he's beaten up badly and/or killed

And that's the tip of the iceberg. There's bound to be so many things he's done wrong against people, that you really did have a lucky escape. Seen in that light, he treated you better than anybody else in his life outside of his family. He tried, he really did, but it doesn't even register on any scale of starting to become healthy or constructive. And it never will. You have no choice but to get on with your own life. Imagine being tied to him still, feeling so bad, looking to him to relieve your pain and him constantly rejecting you. Not knowing where you stand, his changing his mind all the time to the point of utter despair. It would kill you this time, no doubt about it. All your life passing you by, without having the opportunity to fulfill your own dreams. Going from town to town, being bored by the same old places, not even getting to go where you want, him never sorting out his situation, despite all the words coming from his mouth. The utter pain caused by everything, you really don't want to go through all that again. Having to steal at every opportunity, seeing the destruction he causes constantly.

This is a man truly without a conscience, someone who is in so much pain that he’s numbed himself, nobody else's pain can even come into the equation. He was sexually abused from an early age by his uncle, amongst others, and this has left him with an enormous hole of his own. He is lost and no amount of therapy or wanting to change will do so. This is someone who ruins lives, not just causes others pain. His disregard for the emotional well-being of those around him is just one facet of his personality disorder. The whole thing about wanting to be so huge and muscled is such a give-away. He can’t heal what’s inside him so he has to have control on the outside. It distracts him from his emotional turmoil, and he’s asking people to look on the outside and not go anywhere inside, where he’s frightened of what they might see and what he would have to face upon introspection. He is to be pitied, pitied because he will never be able to have the life he wants, have any meaningful and fulfilling relationships, will never get his life sorted and will always be looking over his shoulder in that state of emotional fear. He is a survivor, would trample over anyone to save himself. This is not someone to be near, more someone to be feared for the emotional damage he could cause to you. Keep away and be so thankful you are no longer with him, entangled in that dark chasm where the walls reach up out of sight and there is no means of escape.

Don’t you remember all the times you wished you could leave him? All the times you thought you couldn’t support the pain anymore and wished it would end. Well, it did end and you’re much better for it. You’re trying to get on with your life and do something that will fulfill you. You will never again meet anyone like him, but that is truly a good thing. You don’t want to, not for your emotional well-being. You had your time together and you learned an awful lot about life, a side of which you didn’t know could exist. Few people would ever understand the depths of severe pain that exists, but you do, and it has made you a better person for it.

The pain you are feeling now WILL pass. You have to keep in mind that time heals all wounds, one of the truest things ever said. You have come through far, far worse than this, this is just a taster to remind you not to look back, but to keep looking forward. Try and let go, and let the better parts of life come to you. There is so much out there good, not bad, and you are in a fantastic position to experience it.

Forward, not back. Let go. Don’t wish for something that is bad for you, love yourself more than that. The pain will end, just let it work its way through. Rejoice in the love that the people around you give, and give constant thanks that the situation with him is over. The worst pain of being with him is finished. You will never experience that again, nor would you want to.

You gave up smoking, your other drug of choice. You were determined never to take another drag and you neither haven’t nor won’t ever again. He was your drug too. He is to be feared more than any other, and keep going with the no contact. It really, really, really is the only way you will ever heal.

You can do it, you’re strong. Put it into your head and look to your bright future. It’s over with him, over. There’s far better things that will give you far more enjoyment than you ever thought possible after him. Believe it and look ahead.

__________

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Comments (6)

|2009-10-23 20:24:39 Camilla - Reflection

Anonymous, I don't know if you ever check back in here, but I want to say thank you. Maria, thank you for posting it on your excellent website.

I broke up with the separated narcissist I've been dating for almost 2 years yesterday. It's not the first time we've broken up. But I just can't take the pain of him not filing for divorce as he said he would since the beginning. Him never fully moving all of the way out of his marital home into his shabby bachelor's apartment (which seemed more like an appeasement to me, than a real separation.)

He promised me the world: marriage, traveling the world, supporting me so I could pursue art, and a baby, if I wanted one. We had so much fun. He idealized me. It felt SO good a lot of the time.

But like your man, Anonymous, mine was only there for me when it was about doing things to make him feel good. Never when I was hurting or scared. Especially not after my hurt was caused by his cruel verbal abuse, unexpected rages, and internet cheating. When he did those things, he'd blame then abandon me. Usually running back up to see the wife to replace my supply.

Your letter touched me in many ways. I also know that this man loved me more than anyone. I even heard that from a woman he dated while we were broken up. He cruelly talked about how much he missed his perfect girlfrend (me.) But it's no prize to be the one he "left" his wife for, or the girlfriend that got away.

I'm still in the early phases of emotional withdrawal, trying to rewire my brain. Maria, your site is perfect timing that way. I know there is something to it. For today, I'm just trying to not call him and humiliate myself further. I broke up with HIM, because I found out he's been cyber cheating with another woman. I know I need to get away and break my addiction to him. I desperately miss his company and adoration. I miss the vision of "our life" that he hypnotized me with. I'm so lonely right now.

Please know that seeing your stories, which are a pefect reflection of my own, make me feel less alone right now. Thank you. Thank you.
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|2010-01-06 05:48:54 Iane

When you miss the illusion he provided for you in the beginning of the relationship, Just keep reminding yourself of the way he revealed his character later on & how badly he treated you. Letting go, is really important, at some point you will have to let go of the bad thoughts too, not just the good, but also letting go of seeing that he only treated you this way & wouldn't go wrong with another woman. There were more before, & after you, you are a special, & very strong woman, that's why you're not with this man anymore. Don't forget to your faith yourself about this guy when you start to miss him, because if & when you forget, he's still controlling you, you don't want that. You'll be okay, believe me, with time & patience, & keep talking to people.
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|2010-01-24 20:13:59 Eve - My story

Having read and got great comfort from your website and the many stories on it I felt I had to write a brief bit about my own.

8 weeks ago I ended my brief marriage to a man I consider to be a high level narcissist. It has been the most painful experience I have ever had.

My marriage to him only lasted 8 weeks, but by the end of it I was suffering from acute anxiety, exhaustion and depression. Only 8 weeks later since he left, I feel almost back to normal, health wise, but emotionally I still feel confused, shocked and angry at what happened to me.

When I met Simon I was a happy, confident woman. I have my own business which is very successful and certainly never saw myself as someone lacking in self esteem. How quickly he eroded my very sense of self with his inconsistency (one minute he was declaring undying love the next ending our relationship), his cruel and brutal comments and his flagrant flirtations with other women. I really didn't know what had hit me.

For the first 3 months he pursued me ardently. Flowers, presents, flattery on a scale I had never experienced. He proposed after only a few weeks and I was so bowled over by him that I said yes.

We then flew to New York to get married. A part of me knew it was too soon and I already had clues, with the benefit of hindsight that things weren't quite right (he had already started to be inexplicably moody and he was already eyeing up other women) but I was still overawed by the intensity of our relationship. He seemed to want everything I did and he seemed more than sure that we would be great together.

Only 2 weeks after we got married he started to change. I came home one day from work and he declared that marrying me had been a mistake. He felt "hemmed in" and just wanted to date me. He also told me that if I was pregnant I should have an abortion. As we had been trying for a baby that month it was possible.

I was devastated. I really did not see this coming. The weeks that followed were hell. He was increasingly moody, unreliable, argumentative and critical. He seemed to thrive on our arguments whilst I got increasingly stressed and ill with them. I also became increasingly exhausted as Simon has acute insomnia. The irony was that I went to the doctors and got a prescription of sleeping pills, when I have never suffered from sleeping problems. His sickness had become my problem.

To cut a long story short, I managed to find the courage to kick him out in November last year. He took this very very badly, I had to get the police to help and he returned twice in the early hours, breaking my window and generally terrifying me.

Since then he has harassed me via email, phone, letter you name it. Again I had to get the police to issue him with a harassment warning.

The whole experience has drained me in every way whilst he appears utterly unaffected. I should add that only a few days after I kicked him out he was on a dating website - he was actively looking for someone else whilst begging me to go back to him. More to the point he told me this many times, adding that if I told him I wanted him back he would come off the dating site!

I still struggle to understand what happened to me. But, I know very clearly that I feel 100% better since I got rid of my narcissistic partner.

I feel like my body was screaming at me through my physical symptoms of stress that this person was toxic, drawing the very life force from me. And that is what they are, vampires, parasites. My advice to anyone caught up with one - walk away and don't look back. Or better still run.
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|2010-01-25 01:56:06 Rochelle - This has been hard!

Eve,

My experiences were very similar to yours. When I met my soon to be ex he sent the flowers, gifts and was extremely helpful to me with everything. He basically liked whatever I like and wanted to do whatever I wanted to do. He flattered like no other and proclaimed undying forever love for me. He appeared to be faithful and I thought he was until it was confirmed in the last three months that he was not being faithful to me. We were married in Oct 2008 after a four month courtship. I knew that was too soon but he basically gave me an ultimatum and of course I didn't want to lose such a good man.

From the honeymoon to the day that I put him out of my house I was stressed, frustrated and felt like I was going crazy. I was basically a happy, optimistic person but I saw myself becoming unhappy, stressed and pessimistic. Everything was my fault and he did not take responsibility for anything in the relationship. He loved to give me the silent treatment and wait for me to attempt to resolve the issues. I communicated but issues were never resolved just temporarily suspended.

There is sooooo much to this story. He hated helping me with the bills and would only do so if I was being "good". He figured since I made more money than him I should take care of everything. He was vague and obscure about things that really mattered and would procrastinate about anything that i asked him to do. He was verbally abusive calling me all kinds of awful names then five minutes later talking to me as if he didn't describe in detail how worthless he thought that I was. He would do nice things like opening my car door, bringing the groceries in, and making my lunch but then he would rage at the slightest disagreement. After he tore me down he would want to have sex with me and then proclaim his undying love for me.

I put him out due to text messages to another woman of him telling her how much he missed her and because he had stop helping me with the bills along with a whole bunch of financial deceit (another story in itself). He kept trying to move back in with me through lying and confessing undying devotion and loyalty to me.

He said that nothing happened between him and the other woment and that he no longer communicated with them, That was all lies and he even spent half the day with her and the last half with me while he was telling me he could not live without me. He raged at me because he was caught in the wrong and somehow it all became my fault that he needed other women to talk to. He threatened and cursed me in nasty text messages.

Through the entire marriage I think there was only one time for a period of 7 days that we did not argue. He had a way to escalate even the slightest disagreement. I started thinking something was wrong with me and couldn't understand why we could not get along.

I am currently on a no contact basis except by text to handle business of the divorce only. As awful as this marriage was I still find at times that I am hurt and wish things could have worked out differently. Today was a hard day after receiving texts about some meaningless items (a six dollar bag of paint brushes from home depot) that he wanted from my house.

Its difficult hearing from him and I working on controlling my mind from thinking about him and the other woman. He has been able to move on into another relationship and has discarded me like a $2 dollar suitcase. Any help or advice in working through this addiction would be helpful. Thanks for this website Maria. It is helpful and good to know that I am not alone.
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|2010-01-25 12:04:52 Eve - Similiarities

Hi Rochelle

I can identify with lots of what you say in your story.

My husband also failed to contribute financially, escalated arguments and in the weeks after I threw him out he also sent texts about stupid petty items that he swore I still had and he wanted back. He also refused to accept responsibility for his actions, for example blaming me for the fact he had recieved a police caution for breaking my window!

My advice to you is to not have ANY contact with him. None at all. If you can afford a solicitor (attorney), have them deal with him only. If not, ask a friend or relative to deal with him. I have found it the only way to safely try and move on. He will try and hook you back in any way he can, even by stupid messages about petty items. Don't get drawn back into the games, and that is what they are. Discipline yourself not to think about him, I know it is hard, I can't say I can do this yet myself, but I know it is the only way to get yourself back and to move on and away from harm.

Take care

Eve
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|2010-01-25 08:11:56 Spartens25

Rochelle & Eve,

I am writing from the opposite side, I am a male suffering from exactly what you describe. If you see my post "How to get over the break up with a cheating girlfriend" ( link:http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/personal-stories-cheating-and-infidelity/189-how-to-get-over-the-break-up-with-a-cheating-girlfriend.html) I really do understand. And Maria thank you so much for the site and taking the time to respond to my email.

I really do feel your pain, I live with it daily. I also was someone who believed they were confident and on the right path. To discover that what you thought was a rock in your life was absolutely false is an incredibly empty feeling. To have opened your heart and made yourself vulnerable - only asking love and respect in return - and then to realize that was just being used to feed someone else's insecurities is an absolutely devastiting feeling. I know I will have a hard time trusting again.

I am slowly making my way back, but I undestand how hard it is. I lost myself in trying to be worthy to my girlfriend, and forgot to enforce my boundaries that defined me.

Never again. It is time for you to be totally selfish for a while. Rediscover the inner passion and things that are important to you.

Get back to being totally comfortable in your own skin. I am not there yet. But it is the journey I am focused on.

Take Care
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