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Hi Maria,
I am starting to believe that my fiance too is a narcissist, but somehow I am not able to really conclude... We have known each other for 3 and half years. Initially everything was good, but soon he started imposing many restrictions on me, asking me not to do things which he didn't like. He didn't want me to interact with male colleagues at my work place as there were instances of them teasing me. Gradually I started delinking myself from all my friends only to make him stay calm.
He verbally abused me if he felt I was not following few of his conditions. But after few hours he would come to normal state and tell that he told it for my own good and he doesn't have any wrong intentions. In anger he would even tell that he does not trust me, but later would tell that he knows I love him a lot and that I am not a kind of girl who would cheat him. He even physically abused me once, but soon after that he understood that I felt bad and tried to cheer me up. He would care for me to the extent that he didn't want me to travel in local buses because there were instances when I was molested in a bus. We would have huge fights over this when I traveled in bus due to some genuine reasons.
He would bad mouth my parents saying that they never do things in the right way. He showed over-possessiveness and over-concern and that suffocated me. He was very particular about everything I did, how I behaved, and how I reacted. We would fight almost every day and whenever we fought he would ask me to leave him, but we both knew that we cant leave each other. He wanted me to talk to him maximum time around the clock, and if I failed to do so due to any genuine reasons at home, I had to face a big fight which would end up with verbal abuse.
 He didn't want me to mingle with anyone other than very very few close friends of mine, and even with them I was not supposed to talk what I wished. I was not supposed to hide anything from him, and not supposed to lie anytime, which he hated the most. He would always call me a liar, as I had to lie few times to avoid fights between us. During any fight he would threaten me that he would call up my parents and ask them to end the relationship.
I was too attached to him. Each and every second was a tension for me. I survived this for 2 years. But recently in a fight he threatened me again and he also talked to my parents and now, it has reached a state where my parents do not want me to continue with this relationship, but I am still not able to come out of this, I still remember his love for me. Now he too says he really is resenting what he did to me during last couple of years, and doesn't want me to leave him. But I don't trust him completely now. How could he change his nature. (Click the link below to read the rest of this story).
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been in similar situation, trying to leave a narcissistic man but finding it to be very difficult. In the beginning I was really in love with my narcissistic spouse, and when all sorts of bad things happened, I was just holding on to my feeling of love towards him, it helped me to survive all the horrible things I was put through. My family was also very much against my relationship when they realized my narcissistic spouse was mentally abusive and cruel towards me. But I stayed with him even despite that. I was hoping that he would change, but he never did.
 As years went by and I grew older and "wiser", I realized that people (even those of us who are not narcissistic) usually cannot change very easily, for better or worse. This seems to be true especially in case of narcissists. In accordance with this, there was no improvement in the behavior of my narcissistic man. There were times when he was trying to change and was for a while behaving better. But he always returned to his old manners after some time. After seeing this happen several times, I realized that my spouse can never change in this aspect and that if I stay with him, I will only waste my own life in unhappiness and mental pain.
But it was so very difficult to leave my narcissistic spouse, because I had all the memories of all the good moments we shared, just as you say you have. What happened to me was that as time went by, there started to be more bad moments and negative memories than good ones, so when I looked into our past, I would see mostly unhappiness, stress, depression, arguments etc, happy moments were somewhere very far. I do not know how old you are, but please do not wait too long, if it looks like your man is not going to be able to change. You will only waste the precious years of your life! Please read this thread in discussion forum for more details about my relationship and how I was able to free myself from my narcissistic partner: How I was able to end relationship with my narcissistic spouse.
If you wish to learn about methods I used to teach my brain to let go of my "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, please visit page Recovery After Cheating. There are ways to teach brain and mind to deal with negative events in life such as cheating and betrayal. Same methods can be used to get over abusive and destructive relationship. If you can control your emotions, it is so much easier for you to decide what to do with your relationship with narcissistic partner. Narcissist is not holding your leash anymore. I also recommend you to read this article of Training the Brain to learn about the ways to help your brain to recover.
I do not know your man, so it is difficult to say if he is narcissist or not. But definitely his behavior is not normal, and that is the most important thing you need to realize. In the end it does not matter what his "diagnosis" is. It seems that your man has difficulties to change his behavior, and his behavior is making you feel bad. Past behavior predicts future behavior. So, all the cards are on the table. You know how your life will be, if you will stay with this man. There will most likely not be any dramatic changes. The only question you must ask yourself is this: Do you want that kind of life? Do you want to feel constantly bad because of the behavior of your man? (Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
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Please read this article of Cheating And Brain, it will help you to understand why it is so difficult for you to leave your man, even though you are not feeling happy in your relationship. Also read this article of How To Leave Narcissist, it will help you to understand why it is so difficult to leave a narcissist or mentally abusing person (as your man clearly seems to be). Please feel free to read also other articles from this website, I believe you will find them to be helpful in your situation. If you feel you cannot leave your man, that you are mentally "hooked" and cant let go of him, please feel free to write back to me, I will support you any way I can. Let me know how things are going with you.
Big warm hug for you, my Dear Friend, my thoughts are with you!
- Maria
Dear Reader, you can write to me and tell about your own experiences by going to page Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse, Information. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please go to page Site Overview. From Site Overview you can read short description of contents of this site. If you are interested in topics related to cheating, narcissism, mind and brain, please feel free to read my blog. Blog is being updated on daily basis. In case you want to read about methods I used to teach my mind to let go of "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, please visit pages Control Your Emotions and Recovery After Cheating. If you are in relationship with a narcissistic mental abuser, I believe you will find useful information from this site that will help you to heal. You can also go to other sections of this site by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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