How have you been doing after you left a narcissist?

[Maria]

Dear Melanie,

I am glad to hear from you again! Sorry to take some time to get back to you, I have been overwhelmed with all sorts of things during last week. Please be patient if it sometimes takes few days for me to post a response. Now let me comment on your message.

You said you think this is true love, since you feel so strongly towards this man. Dear Friend, the painful feelings you are going through are not love. You are experiencing withdrawal symptoms after being addicted to a narcissist. If you get back together with him, you shall feel relief for a short while, but eventually (most likely very soon) something unpleasant will happen again that hurts you. This man is not able to make you happy. If you go back to him, you are only prolonging your pain. You are now well on the way towards recovery, please try to stay on that track! Eventually you will feel better, and then when you look back you realize you made the RIGHT CHOICE.

If you go back, you will most likely eventually leave him anyhow, since I believe the same problems return. I am saying this out of experience and based on my extensive literature research. Similar stories have taken place countless of times during the history of a mankind, and sadly the pattern seems to be such that a narcissistic person cannot change. They promise they will change, but eventually they resume their old ways and hurt and ignore their partners again.

But of course in the end you are the one who makes that decision. I believe you will be better off without him, but even if you decide to get back with him, I still wish to support you any way I can. Sometimes it takes several attempts to break free and leave a narcissist for good. We are all only humans. Whatever happens, please keep writing, I am here for you.

You asked whether he is trying to control you by refusing to reveal how he has gotten his information. Yes, that is very common form of control narcissists are using on their victims. Try your best to ignore it. He is doing it to get a reaction from you. Do not grant him that pleasure.

Warm hug and lots of strength! My thoughts are with you. Please write back and let me know how you are doing.

Maria

[MelanieT]

I can't believe it but everything you have said to me over these last few months is true!! I have started a very tentative freindship with a new male friend, he is so unbelievable attentive and loving that I can't believe he exists!! Have heard from my ex he phoned several times but I didn't get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach this time. I ignored his calls until they got more frantic and then spoke to him. He asked me how I was etc., but he knows about this friendship. He says that he has something of mine that he has to bring round. I don't want him to do this I'm really not bothered if I don't see him again. however, he won't leave it with anyone and seems to be hanging on to it. I assume he's doing this to see if his relationship with his new woman is working out (by all accounts, its not all lovey dovey) and if he has a reason to see me he can talk me round again. But, that is not going to happen - I can see right through him now and do not ever want to go there again. I am so happy at the moment! I hope it lasts. Thanks for your support.

[Maria]

Dear Melanie,

I am glad to hear you are doing so well! Yes, you got it right, he is now testing his power over you to see how much control he still has. Narcissists are feeling empty inside, the only way they can feel "worthy" and good about themselves is when they feel others are admiring them and are "dependent" on them.

A narcissist is defining his own value by using people around him or her as "mirrors". Narcissists keep staring at the mirror all their lives, asking constantly the same question: "Mirror, tell me who is the most beautiful/handsome, smartest, funniest etc person in the world?". The only time when a narcissist can feel relative "happiness" and fulfillment is when the mirror (people around a narcissist, especially the "victims", ie. those who are in a relationship with a narcissist) is saying "you are".

Your narcissistic ex is approaching you now so strongly because he feels the horrible emptiness inside him and the only way to get rid of that horrible feeling is to hear from you that you are still" madly in love" with him and you want him back. If you say those things to your narcissistic ex, you make him feel powerful and happy again. If you want to have a reconciliation, now is your moment. Ignore your narcissistic ex completely. Tell him that whatever it is that he has that is yours, you do not want it. Tell your narcissistic ex you are feeling so much happier now when he is out of your life. Do not tell him you "hate" him or anything negative like that. Hate is an emotional response, and it makes your narcissistic ex feel you still have emotions towards him. When we truly have gotten over someone, that person does not evoke any kind of emotional reaction in us. That is the worst thing that you can do to your narcissistic ex now, to make him feel that he has no power over you whatsoever, in good or bad. If you tell him you have no feelings of any kind towards him anymore, that is the best reconciliation you can get after everything he has done to you. After saying that you can leave him behind, knowing that his life will continue as it has been until today: sad, empty, unfulfilled, unsatisfied, angry and envious towards you because YOU are now happy without him.

Dear Melanie, even if you will take a "step back" at some point in the future and perhaps even go back to him, please feel free to write to me whenever you want. I am on your side, I am here for you. But for the moment, let me say this: I am so happy you got to this point!!! You have taken a huge step towards a new happy life. You have started to see your narcissistic ex as he really is, a source of pain and suffering to everyone who is near him. That man will leave a trail of pain behind him in this life. When he one day dies, that is the trace he leaves behind to this world, that is what people will remember (all those women who he has hurt in his life with his rude, uncaring behavior). You do not want to live your life in a shadow, being with a sad, pathetic person like that. You want to live in a sunshine. And you are now almost there! Imagine how happy your life will be without his negative effect, constant mental abuse and lies. Then compare that happy life to the pain and agony you went through when you were with him. Do you want to go back to that life? I did not think so

Warm hug,
Maria

[ChellaBlue]

Hi Maria & Melanie ~

I've been reading your posts back & forth and I see so much of my own situation. My N started cheating on me 3 months before he finally moved out, yet kept "one foot in the door" with me up until a week ago. It's been only 1 week since THE END which went like this - I called him several times (I know I shouldn't have) and told him how much I loved him & how good our life could be if he would only give me another chance. He's notorious for not answering his phone so I left messages - none of them mean - just way too emotional. Anyway, long story short, I drove over to his apartment & his "girlfriend" that he told me he was no longer seeing, was there. I knocked on the door & he screamed at me, called me names & threatened to call the police. I dropped the bracelet he gave me in front of the door & left. About an hour later I get a call from a police officer who informed me never to contact him again or his girlfriend. I then called him one last time & told him I was going to tell her EVERYTHING about him (which I didn't). How could he be in my bed 3 days before & tell me he still loves me & then resort to this? I feel like garbage!! He says "she knows how to treat him" and she's great & never does anything wrong. I think she's a doormat & didn't fight back like I did. My biggest question is why does a N get so upset when you show your feelings? I can't figure it out! I'm glad you are both doing better - I just made an appointment with a therapist but I feel like a huge part of me has been cut away & I can't stop crying. Why does this happen? Please help me!

[Maria]

Dear Friend,

Thank you for posting to forum. I am sorry to hear you have been suffering with a narcissistic person. There is nothing strange in your reaction. You said he was in your bed and telling you he still loves you 3 days ago, even thought he had been cheating on you for 3 months. You have been (and probably still are) in a state of a shock.

It is one of the worst things that can happen in life to find out that the person one loves has been cheating and lying. Love makes us very vulnerable. You have seen it: If you were not so strongly in love with this man, you would never have behaved the way you did. Having said that, let me underline a very important point: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR REACTION. Anyone would have reacted the same way in your situation. Only people who are emotionally cold and uncaring can accept the sudden ending of the relationship (especially if it involves cheating) without blinking an eye and simply carry on with their lives.

If your ex would be a normal person who is capable of putting himself into your position, he would not have behaved the way he did. He would have understood your pain and he would have tried to make the separation as easy for you as possible. Instead he shouted to you and contacted the police. All that shows how twisted and cruel his personality is. You would not want to spend the rest of your life with a person like that, would you? I feel sorry for all the future girlfriends of your narcissistic ex, and you should feel sorry for them too. Your narcissistic ex is not going to change, he will keep repeating the same pattern. Dear Friend, you are so much better off without him!

Having said all that, let me say that I do know how you feel inside right now... I have known the same emptiness and sadness. You feel you miss your narcissistic ex and you would so much want that things could be the way they were. Dear Friend, remember that this is NOT about you. This is all about HIM. If this did not happen now, it would have happened later and it would have been more painful to survive the separation then. A narcissist can rarely change. The personality of your narcissistic ex was the problem, there was nothing you could have done to save your relationship. You had no idea he was cheating on you. He made his decisions on his own. His decision to cheat on you, and hence the failure of your relationship was not your fault. You did all you could under those circumstances. Now it is time for you to let go and heal yourself. I promise you that the day will come when you will feel happy again. It may take a while, but eventually that day will come!

Please keep writing and let me know how you are doing. I am here for you. You do not have to go through this alone.

Warm hug,
Maria

[ChellaBlue]

Thank you Maria for your kind words. I feel so alone & empty that I don't know what to do. I can barely function right now - I have to force myself to eat and I hate being in this house. Most of my friends are long gone since being with XN took so much life out of me. I did make an appointment with a psychologist and my doctor put me on a stronger antidepressant. I feel like such a failure although realistically I know better - I have 2 college degrees, a great job & a nice home (but filled with bad memories). How could you manage from day to day? I had told him before that he seemed like a machine to me - no real emotion and he would go crazy if I ever started to cry about anything. I wish he could feel my pain - I would given anything to have him hurt the way I do.

I've kept nearly everything inside for the past 3 years and now I just turned 40 and feel like I didn't do anything right. I never had such a bad relationship & yet I keep thinking if I would've just shut my mouth more, etc. he would still be here. I can't decide which is worse - being with him or being alone. Why do N's get so upset when you tell them you love them or try to reach out to them?

This is the best site ever - thank you!!!
Michelle

[Maria]

Dear Michelle,

I understand so well how you are feeling. I recognize so many familiar elements from your story. My narcissistic spouse also used to get angry when he would see the signs of "weakness", meaning tears or sadness. It felt so absurd that one can actually get more angry and more emotionally abusive when one sees how badly the other person is hurting. In case of a narcissist, it is all about the control. A narcissist needs to keep you "down" in order to maintain a feeling that he or she is powerful. Having this kind of a view of the life, a narcissist cannot "afford" to be too emotional towards you.

It is easy for a narcissist to act cold and ignorant when the other person is for example crying. It is easy because a narcissist is totally lacking the empathy and is therefore unable to put himself or herself into the position of other people. When a narcissist sees that someone is crying, a narcissist does not feel bad for the person, rather a narcissist is assuming that the person is trying to influence him or her by crying (which of course is true, the evolutionary reason for crying is to show to people around us that something is wrong and that we are hurting, so that they could perhaps help us to deal with the matter that has caused us pain or to stop hurting us, if it is them who are responsible of our emotional pain). For this same reason a narcissist can get angry when being told one loves him or her. A narcissist is interpreting the confession as an attempt to influence a narcissist and this fear is often resulting in a rude, ignorant and even angry reaction.

A normal human being is reacting to crying by ceasing the activity that is hurting the other person. A narcissist does not do this because he or she cannot feel how badly the other person is hurting. In some cases a narcissist can get a twisted, sick pleasure when he or she is seeing that the other person feels hurt. In other cases a narcissist is simply being ignorant and indifferent regarding the pain of the other person. To conclude: A narcissist is not automatically sadistic, but sometimes a narcissist can feel pleasure while seeing others to get hurt.

Dear Friend, Please stay strong! If you have a weak moment and you wish to call your narcissistic ex, please do not do it. Write to me instead! Here you are amongst friends. We have all been through what you are now going through. Trust me, you WILL survive this! The day will come when you can smile again from all your heart. I promise you that!

Warm hug,
- Maria

[ChellaBlue]

Thank you Maria for all your help through this horrible time in my life. My xN actually showed up at my house at 11:00 last night, drunk, & professing his love for me. He says his "girlfriend" is too, for lack of a better word, compliant. She does everything he says & agrees with him on everything - he said she's too much of a "yes" girl - which was my original assessment of the situation. I didn't want him to leave here & drive home drunk so I allowed him to sleep on the couch until 4 a.m. when he decided to go home. I did not sleep with him -very proud of myself!! I have not heard one word from him since - not "I got home ok" or "thank you for talking to me." I sent one final text message to him to please not call me or stop over again. All the while I have in my mind the thought of him calling the police on me just one week ago. He is poison to me and I want only positive people in my life from now on. The stronger antidepressant is helping to dull some of my emotions - which I need right now. I'm actually having dinner with one of my girlfriends this evening and I'm actually really looking forward to it! Trying to stay strong!!

Thank you & hugs,
Michelle

[Maria]

Dear Michelle,

You can be proud of yourself for not giving in to your narcissistic ex and getting romantic with him! ...It is such a hard task to get over a narcissist, but eventually you WILL feel happiness again! It takes a bit of time for the brain and the mind to adjust to a new situation, it cannot happen over night. The most important thing is to take the first step towards the recovery by breaking totally free from the toxic relationship. I am glad to hear you are spending some time with your friends. That is the right way to go! I also think it is totally ok to use some external help in form of antidepressants to get over the strongest peak of emotional pain. The pain you are dealing with now is one of the worst kind of a pain a human being can encounter during a lifetime. Only those who have experienced such pain know how it feels like to deal with a narcissistic person. During certain situations in life it is totally ok, even recommenced, to use antidepressants, they will help you to reach the point when you are strong enough to carry on on your own, with your own internal strength.

Here you are amongst friends. We all have been through the same. We are all fighting our own battle, getting strength from each other. It helps so much to know one is not alone with these issues.

Please stay strong!!! My thoughts are with you.

Warm hug and lots of strength!!!!!
Maria

[josie]

Hi,
I am now 5 weeks out of a relationship with a man who I'm sure was a narcisist, I still live in the same suburb but so far have not yet set eyes on him. I have received text messages, phone calls and emails once a week or so. I am going ok most of the time however there are times like right now when I wonder how it would/could have been if I had done this or done that differently. I often wonder if I will ever love someone as much as I loved him. I almost worshiped the ground he walked on, normally when someone gets too needy for me I slowly walk away but I am finding this difficult. I know I can't go back as things will never change but it is very hard.

josie