Dear Friend,
Thank you for posting to forum. Reading your words reminded me of my own pain and suffering when I was together with my narcissistic partner. I really hit the bottom with him, same way as you describe in your post. I was so much in love with his "false self", more than I ever imagined I could love anybody. I created my own "dream image" of him before I actually got to know him. Then when I started to see the true man behind the mask it was already too late, the hooks were deep in my brain and in my mind. I suffered more than I can say with words, just as you are doing now. I felt I could not live with my narcissistic spouse, but I could not live without him either. I felt depressed and sad every single day for long, long time before I finally realized I HAD TO leave him in order to survive.
My friends and relatives all told me I should leave him when they saw how unhappy I was in my relationship. It took time for me to realize they were right. I know you feel that if you leave your narcissistic spouse, you are NEVER going to find another man who you will love as much as you have loved him. I felt exactly the same way and that is why I stayed in my bad relationship much longer than I should have. But when I finally made my decision and ended the relationship I was surprised to see how fast I started to feel better.
I thought it would take years for me to recover and stop thinking of him. But after only couple months I woke up one morning and realized I felt almost happy. All the stress, anxiety, depression and insecurity was gone from my life. It takes time for the brain to change, but luckily the brain is "only" a mechanical device, just as the rest of our body. When I was in the eye of the storm every day (when I was still together with "my" narcissist), I was constantly being exposed to negative feelings and emotions due to his cold and cruel behavior. If there was a day when he was behaving "nicely" it did not help, since all the bad memories were in my mind and I simply could not forget how he had mistreated me. So my brain and my mind was constantly being "exposed" to stressful stimuli and therefore I felt physically and mentally bad every day.
When I ended my relationship I was able to keep No Contact for couple months in a row. It really helped me to detach. No phone calls (I would not answer if he tried to call me), no emails (I only responded very shortly if he wrote to me about some practical matters). In a way I "washed" him out from my system. I forced myself to do other things with my friends and relatives and kept myself occupied with all sorts of matters so that I would not just sit and think of him. I forced my brain to learn to forget about him.
Brain is truly an amazing device. As I have mentioned elsewhere in this website, I am currently doing work related to brain research in university in my home country. The reason why you feel you are mentally "chained" to your narcissistic partner is because your brain is constantly processing matters related to him. If you give your brain a "break" from this stressful chore, you start to feel better sooner than you now think. Trust me, I have went through exactly the same hell and emotional pain you are now going through. There WILL be light on the other side, once you are able to break free. Please do not waste your precious life with the person who does not deserve you. You only have this one life, YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! This person is NEVER going to make you happy. You have tried to make the relationship work for several years. You have done everything you can. Now it is time for you to let go and move on. To read more about how it is possible to break free from a narcissist by learning to control your emotions, please visit page
http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/recovery-after-cheating.html.
I really wish you are able to break free. Believe me, your life will be SO MUCH happier without the negative effect of your narcissistic spouse. Please keep writing to this forum and let me know how things are going with you. I will support you any way I can.
You are in my thoughts.
Maria
