Cheating Narcissistic Spouse

Cheating and narcissism in a relationship

I know the horrible feeling in the stomach when you think about the details of cheating. I have felt the same anger, pain, frustration, anxiety and depression. It is impossible for a person who has not experienced cheating to know what is going on in the mind of the cheated spouse.

First reaction after finding out about cheating is initial shock. You feel your world has been shattered. Everything you believed in has been taken from you. You thought you were priority to your spouse and now it turned out your spouse has feelings for someone else. The reason you feel hurt is because you must now reshape your image of yourself and your life after you found out about cheating. This reshaping is a painful process. It takes about two years for the mind and the brain to recover from severe depression. It is the same situation with depression and anxiety created by cheating or being in a relationship with a narcissist, and recovery can take about as long. Good news is that there are things you can do to help yourself to speed up the process of recovery and healing after cheating or stressful relationship with a narcissist. To find out more, visit page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism.

The recovery process after cheating

The painful emotions you are now experiencing are basic physiological reactions to certain events in life. When you learn to understand what is causing your feelings you are able to control your feelings better. As scientists today can stand on the shoulders of great scientists of past, such as Einstein and Newton (every graduate student does not have to invent the theory of relativity all over again), in same fashion it can help you to recover faster if you can read about the experiences of others who also have faced cheating and narcissism. I found my own way to survive and learn to control my emotions, same methods can work for you. Simple exercises and small everyday actions can help your brain to adjust to the situation faster and help you to recover.

Your situation can vary: You may have decided to leave your spouse after you found out about cheating and you are now struggling to get over the pain of separation, or you may have decided to stay in your relationship and are trying to make it work again after cheating, but you are having hard time dealing with negative emotions related to the memory of cheating or an affair. You may even be the one who cheated and you wish to learn to understand what your cheated spouse is now going through in order to help your spouse to deal with situation and recover faster. Whatever your situation is, you find help from this website. This website provides information along with many stories of people who have been through what you are now going through. You are not alone. If you wish to read more about these topics, please visit page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism.

- Maria

For short summary of contents of this website, go to page Cheating and Narcissism Resources

To read more about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity. To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. If you wish, you can read more about the content of this website and about my background from page Site Overview or go to other sections by clicking Main Menu links (upper left bar).

Comments (6)

|2009-12-10 17:34:53 Elsi

Dear Maria, I have read your articles, I am sorry to hear what you have been through. I am glad you are now doing so much better! Thank you for putting up this website to help the rest of us who are trying to break free. Big hug, Elsi
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|2009-12-05 03:07:04 artzy - HELP PLEASE

I have been seriously dating a cheating narcissist for 3.5 years now. I broke into his personal email and now have proof of him paying other women to be his mistress (he is very wealthy) He finds them on sugardaddy.com, I dont know how many of them there are but I have proof now of one. He is taking care of me and I dont have a job. I dont know what to do? I want to confront him about what I know but then he will know i went through his private emails. Please help me. Do i just leave him and tell him what I know? I saved a copy of the mistress email as proof. What can i say about knowing his email password?
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|2009-12-09 15:00:13 Maria

Dear Friend,

I am sorry to hear about your situation, it is a difficult one... If you tell him you have read the email, he will most likely get angry. In that situation anger also serves as a self-protection mechanism: He knows he has done wrong and so he is likely to get defensive. Whatever the reason for his anger, the outcome could be very bad for you.

You are asking whether you should just leave this man and let him know what you know. This depends on your feelings towards this man. If you love him deeply and if you feel you would be very miserable living without him, then perhaps it is worth trying to solve things. If on the other hand you think you are never able to forget and forgive this kind of a betrayal, then it is better to leave now rather than to become more depressed over this, and perhaps also bitter as the time goes by.

The best way would be if you could bring the topic up so that he does not realize you know his password (if he hears that, it will most likely only make him more angry). Perhaps you could say he forgot the email open and you went to computer and saw his email account open, or something like that? However, if you say this, he might still get angry, because most likely you had to go through many pages in his account to find that particular email(?), so he still feels you have been going through his personal things rather than just taking an accidental look at the open screen. Depending on the system he is using, perhaps you could say the email was saved to temp folder of the computer or something like that (but if he knows much about computers, do not say anything he can prove to be a lie, that will only make your situation worse).

Dear Friend, please understand that I am not encouraging you to lie. You must decide what to do based on all the information you have. Of course the truth is always the best. If you think he can handle it, you can tell him directly that you went to look into his email, and that you know it was wrong and you are sorry you did that, and that you did it because you felt insecure. Admit that you have done wrong and do not try to deny it (I am saying this because if you try to defend yourself and justify your actions, he might only get more defensive and angry. If you admit you have done wrong, there is not much he can say to that. It might also help him to feel better about it: This way he realizes you are not the kind of a person who thinks it is generally ok to go through other people's email, but that this was an exceptional situation). However, in some cases it is better not to say directly that you checked the email, particularly by using his password. If you for example think he might turn violent or throw you out on the street, then do not tell you read the email. You alone know this man, you alone can make the decision of what to do.

I believe it would be best if you could somehow talk with him about this topic, for your own sake. Even if your relationship will end, you would not have to carry this inside you, not knowing what his explanation would have been. For better of worse, I believe it is best to let him know that you know... Unless you believe you are strong enough to live with this information, without telling him. Again, you alone know your situation well enough to decide this.

Please feel free to send me email if you wish to have more feedback regarding your situation. I would be happy to hear from you!

Warm hug,
Maria
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|2009-12-14 14:39:48 Anonymous

Artzy, save yourself by behaving as though you never even knew and by being your usual self until you can get it together and get out of that situation. It may take a few months, but if he has not alienated you to the point that you have no one to turn to, find someone that can help you financially, so that you are not dependent on him...do not let him know in any way that you are on to him!
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|2009-12-14 17:15:15 Anonymous

thank you very much for the advice. That is exactly what i have decided to do. I am secretly looking for a jb and have gone for two interviews. As soon as I can secure full time employment I will leave his ass and he will never know what i know. He has a horible temper so it is best not to confront him. I will just leave.
Thank you - thank you - thank you
I am so happy i am not alone
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|2009-12-14 17:43:40 Maria

Dear Artzy, I agree, especially if he has a bad temper you should not reveal to him that you know about this matter. In my previous response to you I was viewing all possibilities in an independent manner, but now after hearing more details about your situation I really believe you have done the right choice. This way you make sure he cannot hurt you. Also, I believe it would have been very difficult for you to trust him again after this kind of a betrayal, even if you were somehow able to continue the relationship. Now when you mentioned his bad temper, I really agree that you should keep this knowledge to yourself and prepare your leave in silence.

Please keep writing and let us know how things are going with you. My thoughts are with you!

Warm hug, Maria
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